What Is This Heaven You Speak Of!

What if I’m wrong? What if I’m right? Either way it would seem I am right. If he is up there and there is a Heaven like I think there is than I have one question. How ya living and would you get in with the way your living! Worse, what if I am wrong! What if it really is six feet of dirt a box and darkness? Would you waste another second of this life? I can’t be fake anymore, I can’t go on like this, I do believe so I have to start acting and living like I believe. God knew it was going to go down this way long before I did, I gave him no choice but to let it go down this way, my attitude sucks! Wonder what my attitude has cost me in the past, but I can’t worry about that anymore! I’m still trying to make it through one post without cussing! I can’t worry about it anymore, there is a plan, it happened for a reason and I have to get down to the business of living! I sat today in the pews listening to Pastor Minton talk about attitude and motives! He said some people give to get, they miss the whole point! What’s my point? Whether I am right or wrong about Heaven, let’s all assume I’m right. Let’s all assume you’re being judged and those who matter too you who are up there are watching! What would your motives be than??

It’s Not Even Close, My Best Post Ever!

That Look Your Dog Gives You When You Roll Around In Grass In Twenty Degree Weather Like He Does!

Why the hell not I figured, he does it so why can’t I? Are there any rules about humans rolling next to their dogs in freezing ass weather looking like fools? It was dark, so it wasn’t like people driving by could tell what was going on and if they could? Well it wasn’t like they were going to stop and try to talk to the guy who looks crazy rolling around on the ground with his lab! I just felt like it was holding me back and getting in the way! A friend of mine just gave something up and that is what he has said about what he gave up and I realize there is one change I haven’t made and if I have the guts to make that change, my whole life could change! It is the one thing that has held me back, it is the one thing that has kept all my hopes and dreams on the bedroom closet floor, it is the one thing I can’t let get in the way anymore and guess what I don’t want to let it get in the way anymore. I have let it win too many times in the last sixteen years; I will never let it win again that is for sure. It, no I have run myself into the ground and yes it sure helped, but I won’t deflect or duck, I did this. Funny the look on my dogs face now is, yeah right, you have done this song and dance before talking about giving it up and here we sit Sir. Nothing like being mocked by your five and a half year old lab, and hell he is probably right I should just quit now while I am ahead. Except I am not ahead! I am so far fucking behind that I may never catch up and I am tired of the way my dog looks at me. He is more disappointed than most, because I try to hide it from them, I don’t hide any of my ugliness from him. Why would I? Who the fuck is he going to tell and hell if he does tell somebody what will it matter at the point when I am making millions in Vegas with the talking dog act lol. What is my point? Take a look at your dog right now. Your character is in his eyes, what he sees is what you really are no matter how much you try to deny it and what he sees when he goes to bed tonight, I promise won’t be the same thing he sees when he wakes up in the morning! I always say some tacky shit right now like game on or game over, or it is do or let it die time like there ever was some fucking option! Tonight, I’ll let my dog have the last word. Dozer here, how are you all doing? Sniff everybody’s butt, so in the real world that means say hi and shake everybody’s hand. If you get caught sniffing butts as a human you go to jail and I am pretty sure if you are sniffing butts guy in jail a whole lot worse is going to happen to your butt, so let’s not go down that road. But be nice to everybody, why the fuck not? I shouldn’t even have to go over this one, but you idiots don’t get it and you call me a big dumb lab SMH, think that is what the kids are doing these days. Live it! We get 10 years maybe a few more if we are lucky, as I Dozer sit here and write this at almost six, my life is probably more than half over! While you don’t age that fast, if you are wasting it and not living with whom and what you want, then you might as well age like a dog too! It is only over if you say it is over and choose to quit. If you choose to lie down then nobody can help you and nobody will help you if you won’t help yourself. When you whine, or as we call it bark, you are going to get yelled at or ignored, because ain’t nobody want to listen to that shit! Bad shit is going to happen, but you live through the rain and the question will always be what did you do to fix you when you were standing in the middle of that rain storm? Did you let it break you and if you did, what did you learn? And if it did break you, are you going to go back to how things used to be or have you CHANGED! So here I am a five year old black lab giving you all that dog cocked head to the side look asking one question. What are you going to do now? Because we all know what you did and we all step in it sometimes! And if that pile you stepped in belongs to me Dozer, my badJ

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I Think This Shit Has Gone Too Far!

Tired of talking about what I could be, even more tired of not being who I could be. Tired of not being the Superman I want to be, I want to help everybody, fuck it why not everybody’s got dreams right? Except this aint no cute Russell Wilson Commercial where he raises his voice 18 octaves and sounds like a pussy. Sorry Russ, love you buddy, but maybe a little less rah rah Pete Carroll and little more beast mode passion, just a thought pretty boy! Right and there it is I am just as big a part of the problem as I am the solution. We murdered Tim Tebow, chewed that nice guy up and spit him out like he was knocking out his Fiancé who went on to Marry him. Like he was beating his kid so badly that he left facial lacerations, hell we crucified him while his Teammate at Florida might damn well be a serial killer! Nice guys do finish last, he isn’t black enough are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck does that even mean? And please all you know it all’s, tell me what the definition of black enough is? And there is your problem, just like I took shots at him for being too nice, you guys take shots at him for his race? Man sad situation the state of affairs as I see them tonight, twinkle twinkle little star, I think this shit may have gone a little too far folks. I think we can’t turn our head anymore because it isn’t at our doorstep, because you know what? It could just be a couple of doors down and it might end up on your doorstep and then what? That is what I am faced with now, not then what, but now what? Sitting and plotting still not making the move and I realized something tonight. Until I make that move, I won’t ever start living again. I sat tonight and watched my Huskies destroy our rival, with good friends and a little crown apple in my cup, disclaimer, don’t try that shit, it is like candy and you might drink a little too much, but that’s not my point. Things like that used to be fun, things like that used to be enough to get me by and now just getting by isn’t getting it anymore! So if I know this shit has gone too far and I am the one who let it go too far then……..

Looks Like It’s Time. Might As Well Be, I Bet My Life On It!

I didn’t just place my bets, I went all in, I bet my life on it! So then my question is. Why would I leave it all laying on the bathroom floor? The answerless question I have now been looking for and answer too for some fifteen years now! There isn’t anymore time to talk about, the time has come. There isn’t anymore time to plot and plan, the time has come. There isn’t anymore worrying about what you did or what you can’t do, you bet your life on it and the time has come for you to worry about what you can do. Because a time will come where your to old or your health is failing and you won’t ne able to do it! The time has come to get rid of all the distractions and things holding you back and you know what they are! You see, the time someday will come for all of us and when that time comes if I let it continue to go down like this I won’t have those kids and memories to look back on! I put it all on black and let it ride, always been a gambler and a risk taker, but the biggest gamble would be that I still think I have time to waste! All in and away we fucking go!

Used To Be And The Powers That Be!

Used To Be.

Used to have faith in the powers that be, until I grew up and knew better, used to trust myself until I turned out to be the mother fucker who let myself down the most. “A wise man told me that holding a grudge is just like letting somebody live inside of your head rent free.” I used to let these demons and things I did live in my head rent free, but that two-day mishap of being a fucking pussy won’t happen again, maybe I am being a little hard on the beaver Ward. Maybe I wasn’t the pussy again, but maybe we all once in a while need to be checked, shown that the clock is still ticking and just because you are in the best shape of your life, and just because you got to hang with your family yesterday and your bf did call you a month ago, you have to finish this bitch. Because none of that shit matters if you let shit go back to how it used to be. You aint got time to be content boy, your still trying to catch up to being a man after all the shit that you did. But I’ll give myself some credit, I am starting to see how boys act and I am starting to see how men act. Boys whine about why it happened to them and why they can’t do it and men don’t say a word, they don’t need too. They go out and make that mother fucker happen, it is simple as that, No excuses or reasons why not, just action! Used to be you could walk down the street at night, now millions all over the place who weren’t there are destroying shit that doesn’t belong to them and hurting others in the name of racial injustice? Right that makes sense how? Worse half these mother fuckers doing it you and I both know are just there to be jack offs, they could give a fuck less about what happened in Missouri. Half those mother fuckers looked like little punks with smiles on their face because they got to fuck shit up. They are as bad as the WTO protestors tearing shit up wearing their Nike’s with their Starbucks in their hand, give me a fucking break. Oh-uh looks like the bad guy, the mother fucker who didn’t give a fuck that he fucked it all up decided to show up. And when that mother fucker shows up I feel like I can take on the world, the feeling in my blood I can’t explain it, but I got a question? Can I make this mother fucker stick around permanently? Because if I don’t and I go back to what I used to be, well fuck man I might as well pull the trigger I am already in the cross hairs!

“Wave After Wave!

Proud to be and American, used to be

“My face above the water, my feet can’t touch the ground.” I feel like that song like I am slowly drifting away. Again not the post I thought I would be writing right now, again trying to be better than I was and finding it hard to accomplish what you did before. That Eminem moment again where every fucking time you are supposed to shock the world and when you don’t it is on to the next nickel and dime dbag even though you know you have it in you and you are better than that. I wish I could make shit easy, but easy seems to have faded to black a long time ago. I am working against myself; I am realizing how happy I was that I got to spend yesterday with my family when I have missed the last four and there are so many who will never get to spend another thanksgiving with who they want too. So why is this so hard to figure out? Why am I letting it all drift away? Oh that’s right, I am still stuck on that thing in my past that I said I wasn’t stuck on. It isn’t that hard, I just don’t want to forgive them because of how badly I hurt them, but I know in order to forgive myself, I have to forgive them because shady actions are shady actions. And there were shady actions on both side and the second I try to say someone else’s shadiness was worse than mine is the second I try to justify and the entire fucking reason I am still having to write about this. It feels like these last three or four posts I am just putting words down on paper to put words down on paper and I can’t do that. I can’t be fake anymore, I can’t let anything slide, what I had a couple days ago I still have it and it hasn’t gone anywhere, but maybe I have. Maybe I still am afraid of it, but that can’t be I know better, maybe I am scared it is still what I want and every second I waste pushes her closer to marrying someone else! And maybe there really is a man in the moon and I bet he hangs out with that Easter Bunny guy all the time! Maybe it is time to reboot and recharge and hit this in three or four hours after a little sleep and see what the fuck happens…….

Not Again!

Part Due, You Gotta finish.

So I have to write a better piece on pain pills, penis pills and your daughter having cancer and figure out how not be such a piece of shit and figure out how to be better than I was the day before. Yeah this shouldn’t be hard to figure out at all. It all comes down to one thing now, I say it every Sunday with my friends when we put four fingers in the air to start the 4th quarter of ever Seahawk game, YOU HAVE TO FINISH. Close only counts in horseshoes and some other shit my Grandmother always used to say to me and why get this close to not finish? But that is the question I am asking myself tonight, I know the actions to take that finish this and I know the actions I am taking that are letting it continue. Same story different day bro still has and always will come down to me and what I choose to do. I have to be careful, I am close and yesterday and today my writing has fallen off, or at least I think it has and I am not happy with it. How do I get to this point and not finish, it is the story of my life. I busted my ass in the gym and lost all the weight and got content and didn’t finish. I haven’t finished a fucking thing in my entire life, I get to the finish line and I quit, or I don’t even get that far, you gotta want it. Nope Reboot, this one sucks too, at midnight Pain pills, Penis Pills and your daughter dying of cancer will be what it should be I apologize!

I Can Do Better! We All Can!

Pain Pills, Penis Pills, Your Daughter Dying Of Cancer And Sitting Still

His daughter has become and inspiration like Lauren Hill has across this country. He is Cincinnati Bengals defensive tackle Devon Still. Wednesday he was being accused of not paying child support in months, this is what he had to say on the matter, pay attention Ray Rice! “My daughter’s battle with cancer has been so inspirational to many all over the world. When she gets older, I want her to be able to look back and read about her positive impact on the world, not about the private issues her parents were going through. I am not going to retaliate against the mother of my daughter, and the untruthful reports in the New York Daily News article, by criticizing her character. I am going to continue to allow the court system to handle this matter, as it has been these past couple months.” Oh Mr. Still, where were you years ago when I needed you most or even just a year ago. Funny when you run into somebody and that list that you thought was so short of people you had things to make up to all of a sudden grows considerably larger! The texts I wouldn’t have said, the things I wouldn’t have said and still there isn’t shit I can do about it, but I sure think about it. Oh Michael J. Fox where are you now with that DeLorean, I could sure use your help. I got a few Biffs in my past that I created, Biffs that are not staying in my past, but chasing me down in my future! What if we all took the high road and stopped letting the little shit slide. He could have blown his top, he could have said fuck this bitch with all our daughter is going through, but no shots were taken. So in ten years when your daughter is googling you and watching you go Mike Tyson’s punch out, Devon stills daughter will not only be able to hold her head high because she beat cancer, but she will Google her dad and see a man who decided to be the bigger man. Boy if I could just learn that lesson, but no I sit, wine and bitch about it until I drive it into the ground and nobody wants to hear it anymore or be around me. All that I had to be thankful for yesterday has turned into today being angry at myself for ever letting it get this far. But maybe that’s the right combination for me, pissed off over what I did and thankful for what I have in front of me. I don’t like it, this piece can and will be better and I have to try again later…..

2 A.M. Disaster! Tempting Fate Or Masturbate?

Tempting Fate, Too Masturbate!

I have regressed in some ways with this tempting of fate, but I am okay with that, I will take one step back if it takes me three steps forward. It is 2 a.m. I know even if I lay down that I will still be wide awake when most of you fools get up and go stand in the rain and the fucking lines. Good luck to ya’ll I would advise stay away from a Wal-Mart as those mother fuckers don’t care, it is every weave, crack head and trailer park for itself. Whoops not supposed to judge right, my bad did you even happen to read the title of this mother fucker? I think a couple posts back there was something about a lesbian penis? What the fuck is a lesbian penis man? And why the fuck do I have to fucking cuss so much, I sound like a fucking idiot! So in a world where lesbian penises exist and I am tempting fate so I can masturbate, I guess I still have the same question I had a couple of days ago? Would you tempt fate for that one shot? Not for a shot to masturbate and blow it all, but for a shot at it all. Would you tempt fate? Knowing it is more likely that it won’t happen then it will? Would you still do it? Knowing the shots that you would have to take and how you would have to drag yourself even further through the mud if you didn’t pull it off? Except that is the problem this time. This fucking time not pulling it off is not and option anymore, I am starting to get too much back and with a little work I can get everything back save one thing that I am not sure I want back and if I have to I can learn to live without. I will tempt fate; I am too close this time not too, too close to it all falling together for it to fall apart this time…..

On The Fly Bad Guy!

I Just Hate To Be The Bad Guy!

Fuck man having that Eminem moment right now! When you start to actually pull it off and now people are looking at you like what’s next. You have to do better, you have to be bigger and fuck man I am still trying to put all this shit back together on the fly, riddle me that shit. But once you start to do it, what you did the day before isn’t ever going to be as good as what they expecting you to do today! Backs to the wall, stacking all the chips up this time and cashing those bitches in, I have been sitting on my moment for too long and not doing something about it. Today all those odds that I stacked against myself just don’t seem as high as they did yesterday, and let’s be honest this is where it ends. This is where I do or let it die, this is where I pull of the promise I made to that six-year-old little girl at her casket, this is where I make all my dreams happen or I have to walk away, yeah I hate to be the bad guy, but I left myself no choice. The bad guy is the only guys who has ever got it done for me and so fuck it away we go; I will be him why not? The only times I get shit done is when I don’t give a fuck and realize it was never out of reach the only mother fucker who put it out of reach was me. Six months ago some bitch destroyed me and I let her, I couldn’t face relatives and I lost my best friend because of my actions and his daughter is the one I made the promise too. Six months later there are signs that the girl may have made the wrong choice, and that feels good, but I could never go back to that, I aint perfect, but don’t ever let someone who took your heart for granted walk back in. Six months later I have talked and started the ball rolling with my best friend and tonight cousins who I grew up with and made memories with sat in the same living room with me tonight watching the football game and telling one of their sons some of the things that we used to do. So forgive me if I quit listening to you tell me what the fuck I can and can’t do, I been telling myself that I can’t for too long. Funny thing happened when I quit running and chose to face it, shit got better and people forgave! People are only looking for two things, what the fuck did you learn? And what the fuck are you going to do about it? I just hate to be the bad guy, but in the next month it is all on the tips of my fingers, it feels like I have been born again and the fire in my heart and the burning in my blood tells me the struggle is almost over. That break is coming, but I have to make that break, I have to approach it with the right attitude and I have to be ready for it this time. So today with eighteen minutes left of Thanksgiving I am thankful for second chances……