I’ve said I’ll never give up, I’ve said only pussies give up, I’ve said a lot of things. I’ve looked a lot of people in the eyes and made them promises I knew from the start I wouldn’t or couldn’t because of circumstances I created keep. I’ve run life after life that has collided with mine into the ground, I’ve run it all including myself so far into this black hole that I don’t even think I know what light is anymore. A week from Wednesday I turn thirty-eight, and I’m still in the same place spinning the same tales as I was at twenty-eight. Even the best stories get old and run out of wind beneath their sails, seems to be the only thing getting old anymore is me. Chasing weed, the wrong girls who will do the right things on a certain dating website, not giving a shit about anybody or anything else! The moment when you realize everything about you is fake and you’ve accomplished absolutely nothing worthwhile in your life, the day you start questioning yourself and wondering why everybody else hasn’t given up on you! And then you realize you can’t give up, you do matter and the only one who thinks you’re a failure is the pussy over in the corner writing about it!
Not that hair shit that’s making women’s hair fall out, but rather when do you put this all to bed? When does the madness fucking end? Because quite frankly, the madness is about to fucking end me. The more I look back and the more I look in, the more I realize just what a piece of shit I am. Full of hate and anger of my own doing, unwilling to change and see that my way isn’t working, nope I just keep on running out into traffic hoping I won’t get hit. The problem is I look like a piece of Swiss cheese riddled with bullet holes from the hits I have taken and I’m just not sure how much more I can take. Of course there is that other option, I could for once sack up and do what the fuck I say I’m going to do. Let’s face it, the worlds a pretty ugly place. Hey kids, want to go to subway and have a kid’s meal with a six-inch Jared? Maybe hop on and Indonesian jet liner? Perhaps go hang out in North Korea for the labor day weekend? If there is no God and this is the only shot I get at this, then it’s time to load my gun and quit being afraid to pull the trigger. Everybody gets one shot in this life, guess it’s about time to take mine…..
“Hey, hey living like were renegades!” The ones who get it done, the ones that have no fear, that live like I used too. It’s about enjoying it differently the handicapped guy would go on too say. But what happens when you’re not enjoying it at all anymore? What if what was expected of you has long expired and now this is what’s left of your existence? How sad and pathetic would that be? You’ve had and lost what you wanted multiple times, but somewhere in there I think we all settled and if we knocked of our bullshit and did what was expected of us, just what we might accomplish my friends! Everyone’s always said they think I’m the one whose going to put it all together and take it to the next level and there are moments when I think I can. Those moments are fleeting and I tend to want to want to smoke weed and chase the wrong women more! What are your motives Charlie Brown? Believe in God or not, living my life commiting sin after sin or doing the wrong thing over and over again whichever you prefer has led me to this crossroads! The only limits in life are the limits you put on yourself. Everything that has been done in this world that was worthwhile, guess what? Someone was laughed at, someone was told they were crazy and mocked and then they made it happen! Live without limits and see what they have to say then….
Scary thought for all of us believers out there, but let’s be honest! There’s just as much evidence for it as there is against it. I was in a car wreck that I had a fifteen percent chance of surviving and while I credit the doctors, I credit that guy I can’t prove exists in the sky you better believe your ass. I blew it, he gave me a chance after that wreck at 21 and I threw it all away and now as I sit here at thirty-seven it is al falling apart and I find myself questioning it more everyday. I blinked, 17 years later I opened my eyes to this fucking shit show! What if there is no God? What if it’s a dirt nap and I just wasted 17 of the years I was given, hell some people better than I get in-car wrecks or CANCER and don’t even see seventeen! Everyday were worried about and ISIS attack and now it’s some Guru in Texas who molested kids and the parents knew and told their kids to enjoy it!!!! Are you fucking kidding me??? Maybe I hope I’m wrong and there is no God! Because if there is, I just bet he might be coming soon, so how ya living?? God or not part deux in a couple of hours!
Still in the same spot, not because I should be, but because I made the most lethal mistake of all. I quit believing in myself, I doubted myself and now I doubt if I have enough left in the tank to pull it off! I quit believing because everyone knows the easiest thing in the world to do is quit, not this fucking time! Sitting on the edge of wild and reckless and about to not give a fuck anymore. Sometimes our best things come when we let it all go and quit worrying about what doesn’t matter and start letting what does takeover! You can lay down again, that’s what everyone is expecting you to do. Or you could say fuck em this time, you could sock them all in the jaw and shut them up for once and all! You could do a lot of things and do could I, so tune in tomorrow morning for the follow-up price to this, it will more than sock you in the jaw!!!
How? Why? Questions I have the answers too, fuck I’m the idiot that did it. Look at me, or maybe better said what’s left of me. Over analyzed, whined and made excuses about it for far to long now and now a lot is expected of me. I at one point expected more of myself too, now I’m setting it all up again to go to shit and trying to find an ounce of care in my body! I know how this ends and it ends badly, really fucking badly. This sucks, this post sucks, I suck tune in a little later and we will talk s out why your life has gone to shit and why you e never gone anywhere! Playing Scared we will call it.