Nobody Knows What’s Going To Happen!

Make it happen, question it all and in the end fuck them all if they don’t like it. Give em hell while you can and give yourself something to look back on in thirty years! I’ve given nobody whose believed in me anyrging to be proud of and I promise that shit starts now! All the bullshit and reasons why I can’t are over, I better come up with some reasons why I can before the clock strikes midnight. Before these things I do over and over again become bad habits I can’t break!

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Go Mad For A Couple Grams!

Mad, it was more like lost my mind and derailed my entire life Ed Sheran. And it wasn’t even the good stuff, we’re talking about grams of weed man, but boy did I go mad Ed Sheran How quickly I forgot what mattered or just flat didn’t care because I got high, because I made what never mattered more important than what always did! Time to shed it and let go, I’ve carried this weight around on my back for fat to long, what is maddening is I choose to carry it. And now it would seem I am mad about everything, even the little things I should let go! But no, I’m still going mad chasing after a couple of grams, such a little amount and yet all you need to shit can your life! I simply can’t do it anymore, the worst thing in life is seeing what you should have on a daily basis and then doing everything you can to sabotage it and make sure you’ll never get it! At some point you run out of grams and you sober up, and this I promise you. When you so sober up and see what you have done, you won’t be going mad for grams, you’ll be mad at yourself man..

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The Day I Die Is Rapidly Approaching!

But in the meantime, time to plot and figure out a new plan Stan! Everything has gone to shit and I’ve gone to shit with it. I could say it’s about to get worse if I don’t do something about it, but I don’t think I can say that anymore and look at myself in the mirror. What’s that saying, something about yesterday, you said today and now today has come and you’re still writing checks your ass can’t cash Jack. You’re supposed to be a man mother fucker, you’re the one whose supposed to be handling business, not having the business handed too him! It’s insane this one night stand with insanity that I have let continue on far past one night. I guess if I have learned one thing it is this, we all make mistakes, fix what you did the best you can and don’t carry it with you, that shit gets heavy I promise you! And then I realized, that day wasn’t approaching, it’s here and it’s over!

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That 4 Hour Call The Doctor Moment, When You’re Caught With Your Pants Down!

When the egg was squarely all over your face! When there weren’t excuses for what you did and the less you had answers the more it all started to make sense. Truth is, there are no fucking answers most of the time, sometimes life sucks, there are bad people in the world and sometimes by no fault of your own they will change your life forever! Until the day I die from here on out it is one thing and one thing only, balls to the fucking wall make it happen! Day in and day out you die a little more living this way and accepting less, it’s like you somehow feel you need this fight and stay in it when you have every weapon necessary to win it! “My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you, we made the same mistakes, mistakes like friends do!”  It’s from a song called until the day I die, I have my hand around its throat, it being what has kept getting in the way, it being me! And now I’m on hold with the nurse, caught with my pants down like the rest of the world, exposed and when you are exposed, that’s when you learn what you are made of! Memories remind you of where you have been. The good, the bad that left scars and now the future is in your hands, so you can sit around with thee erection lasting longer than four hours, But I’d do something about that and I’d do something about the state of your life while you still can….

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I Was Playing In The Beginning, Got My Throat Slit And The Mood All Changed!

Should of learned a lot from it wasn’t as much a slit to the throat as it was a BLOW to the nose pun intended! As I lay there and ounce of coke done all to myself in one night knowing I should be dead, begging God telling him to stop the uncontrollable nose bleeds and I’d never do it again, I should have learned and never done it again. I should have left it there on the bedroom floor, but I didn’t know then like I do now that life was keeping score! And the scores looking a little lopsided at the moment, life a whole bunch and me a big fat zero! I got my throat slit and I was the one who slit it, but the moods all fucking changed, I think I dodged a bullet one last time and if I did? Bring it on, and you better look the fuck out, because shit will change and I’m talking shit changing on a level nobody has ever witnessed before. Don’t you hate that shit and I’m literate, but I couldn’t decide if it was saw or seen so I chickened out and went with witness! And that’s where the slitting of the throat starts, somewhere small like that, giving up the small battles leads to somebody else winning the big battles and were talking about really winning, not Warlocks and Wizards my friends. I was playing before, played with my future, played with it all and lost, got my throat slit and I’m bleeding all over the kitchen floor, and I can say like every time before the mood has all changed, but the question is have I changed?

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It Isn’t And Option!

You may have thought it was, hell you may have even made it and option in your head, but it never was. It has to happen, you can keep pretending, but the second you sack up and grow up and quit pretending you’ll see there is but one option left. It’s gotta happen, it isn’t bo maybe involved I heard my friend say the other day. He simply said I have to do it, it isn’t a choice. When you take the choice out of it and realize you just have to do it, it comes into focus! Things behind the scenes that you don’t see right now start lining up in your favor, their sitting there waiting for you to realize it’s not and option and it never was! It’s all there, it’s just waiting for you the last piece of the puzzle to put it all in place. So you’re out of options my old friend, it isn’t a choice anymore life just got real. No more it will be okay sitting around getting high wasting days, the option is this. Choose a life and a chance at everything you want, or there is another option. Do nothing and fade away…..

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“One Hell Of And Amen!”

“The preacher said he died to young, over there toting that gun for Uncle Sam and our freedom.  Mom and Dad dressed in black, they folded up that flag, handed it to dad and started praying, yeah he went out twenty-one guns a blazing! That’s one hell of and amen, that’s the only way to go, fighting the good fight until the good Lord calls you home. So be well my friend, until I see you again this is our last goodbye its a hell of and amen. The doctor said he ain’t got long, he just smiled and said bring it on, well if you think I’m scared, you’ve got me all wrong. No, a little CANCER can’t break me, my hearts right and I believe we all hit our knees and started praying, he never gave up and said the good Lords waiting!” The thing I fear most in this life is failure, but the truth is on the way too getting where we are going we fail all along the way. So in the end I am afraid of being exposed for something we all do! I know how quickly it can go as I think about June approaching and five years now that my former best friends daughter left us! So here it is, one shot, one Hell of and Amen! One shot to stare down everything I’ve wasted, one chance to beat it and change it all, my last chance! With all that’s going on in the world I got a hope and prayer and why the hell not me, bring it on!

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