The Older You Get, The Wiser Oh Shit!

The wiser I sure the hell  haven’t gotten. Damn who knew it was going to go down like this and now all I can do is laugh. Soon some things that I love are going to be taken away from me because of my choices, yeah older but still making those little kid choices! This is the last ride, ride or die remember as Vin Diesel says, I choose to ride! Parts of me have died because of the cowardly way I have chosen to live and I can’t stand what the fuck is looking back at me in the mirror anymore. Things we care about start getting taken away when we choose to get older but not wiser, you keep doing it the same way and keep getting the exact same fucking results and here you are staring down the barrel of the same fucking gun trying to outrun yourself! The long days turn into longer nights, the sleep gets less and less and those nights and days start to blur like the lines you drew that you swore you would never cross and now it’s all fucked! Well, the older you get, the wiser nope, it’s all gone too shit!

There’s A Way, If You Have The Will!

Rah rah bullshit again, fuck the will, fuck the way, just make that shit happen for once in your life! It’s all setting up nicely for you to come out on top, but you’re still sitting on the fence Humpty Dumpty afraid to make a move. Don’t stay on that fence to long, because we all know that story ends with a great fall! So what’s it going to be? It’s all setting itself up to make you come our on top, it is all looking like it could be better than you ever imagined so what are you going to do about it? Oh nothing, as this post has set in your que for the last two days while you watch it all unfold in front of you! You have no will, that’s why there is no fucking way, you stand for nothing and crumble like a building hit by a ISIS rocket every time you’re called to answer the bell! You keep letting the past interfere with what could be and now what could be was at your doorstep again! In the end life comes down to one thing my friends, it isn’t finding a way or having the will, it’s about wanting it more than what’s against you and breaking its will!

When You Quit Giving A Shit About The Why!

It gets a whole hell of a lot easier, I promise you my friends! It’s amazing who you thought would be there and who ends up being there in the end! As I sit here at thirty-seven, just in the last two years so much has changed and now I must find a way to change with it! I’ve come to one conclusion, when you quit giving a shit about the why, life becomes a whole lot easier, the why is a trap game my friends! I’ve spent years trying to figure out the why, why this was done to me and why that happened that way and I have come to the conclusion that I am the why. The why behind the anger, the why behind the bitterness and the why behind why it didn’t happen! The why behind the failures and even the why behind the triumphs even though they have been far and few between! But yet I keep asking myself why this happened and why they did this too me when the whole time I have had the answers, wtf is wrong with this picture man? So in the end I am left with one choice, quit giving a shit about the why, and hope and pray I am right and this gets easier…..

I’d Have A Hard Time Looking At Me Too!

i gave up, I quit because it was easier and while I may have hidden it well, when I look into my dogs eyes and the mirror, I realize I didn’t fool everybody! I forgot it was about family, real family and the ones who become family because when we need them, no matter what they come running! I went looking for answers when I created all the questions, so what I set out looking for, I had all the time. A dog chases it’s tail because it doesn’t know any better, you keep choosing the same thing and have known better for a long time! Owning what we did can be hard, but spending our lives running from it is far worse! And I’m tired of running, my lungs are screaming for air and it feels like I’m running on a treadmill to nowhere because I’m still stuck here! And here seems and feels a lot like the end, that’s what I’m supposed to say, that’s what they want me too say, they’re all expecting it to end here and me to end with it! Yeah, I’m having a hard time looking at myself right now, but this I know! “At any given moment, I have the power to say that this isn’t how it ends!”

Well We Know Who She’ll Be Thinking About When She Pulls Out Her Dildo Tonight!

Made you look, and while I know that is what the girl from my past is doing right now thinking about me because she saw me today, live it. Time goes by faster than you think, you lose things that you never thought you would lose and at thirty-seven, you didn’t even know some of these closest at twenty-seven! Things change, life happens and moments pass, like me passing that girl today and her eyes lighting up, dildo or rabbit? Keep praying on Sunday and go back to your porn, drugs and judging the other six and get back to me and tell me how that works. You can’t live it Sunday and be something completely else the other six! You want something, you have to want it every second of every single day, not sometimes, not in the moment when it feels cool, but every second! Those seconds where it is just you and nobody else around at 4 am and you’re the one putting in work! We know who she’ll be thinking about, we don’t know the details and there’s the problem, quit assuming you know and ask the damn question! Assumptions have a way of ruining everything and who are we to assume dildo or rabbit? Some of you will get that, some of you are dying right now, yes this was written at twelve thirty in the morning, PG-13 went out the window a long time ago! It’s time we sit down and have a little heart to heart with ourselves, this shit is ridiculous man, did you see the title of this post lol, time to get some sleep, but stop and think, I am right and it goes faster than you think….

One Mindset From Here On Out!

To win, I am I’m it, i  in it deep, but what I did is a minor thing compared to what I have to do. What I have to do is simple really, I have to beat myself, oh this should be fun, yeah I bet this one turns out to be a gem! Everybody says you can’t beat and enemy that knows you better than yourself, but what if you don’t have a choice and you have too? I have to give up all the hate, anger, bitterness and resentment, I have to change everything that I have let myself become. Could be worse I suppose, I’m thirty-seven, not dead, this is my chance to build it from the ground up, this is my chance to build the me that I always wanted to be! I just wonder if I have it in me to knock of the raw-raw bullshit, quit talking about it and finally do something about it. One mindset from here on out, I forgot about it for a second, but Vin Diesel says it best, “ride or die remember!” It’s all in, 100 miles and hour straight ahead, either through the wall or the wall takes me out, but this sitting on the fence shit doesn’t work!

It’s About To Go Zero To One-Hundred!

And not real quick like Drake said, even quicker than that! Faster than a speeding bullet and all that other nonsense too, shits about to get real and how you deal with this shit in the moment will define the rest of your life. I heard my father the other night when I wasn’t supposed to saying that his only child is a piece of shit whose never going to amount to anything! It wouldn’t have stung so bad if that first part wasn’t true, but he’s right, I hate the piece of shit that I have let myself become, but there’s the catch! I can still choose at any moment that this isn’t how it’s going to go down and I can choose to write a different ending. I can choose to amount to something, but I have to do it right this time. No motives, no lies, no hidden agendas! Not to show them or to shove it in someone’s face because they shoved it in mine, I’m better than that and too old for that shit! No, to prove to myself once and for all that I am worth it and they held on and didn’t give up for a reason, because I was worth it! One shot for the one thing we all want, redemption! It’s going to go zero to one-hundred whether I want it too or not, so I better do something real quick…..

Smoke!

When it cleared all that was left was the mirrors and my reflection staring back at me! Turns out the only fool I fooled was myself! As I look back on all of it now, what a fool man, I had it! Some people never get to have it in their life and I could have had it all, but I only cared about getting to the next day and not the big picture! And now the big picture is, this is what I have let myself become and this is what I have created! Not the monster under my bed Eminem, but far worse than that. A monster that looks good on the outside and says all the right things, so you never see it coming when it all goes to hell. The smoke has cleared the look on their faces is all that’s left for me to make disappear. The air is thick and heavy now, I see the looks and their waiting for me to choke again just like every time before, do or let it die is now knocking at your door, but remember what we said last night about fear. It’s what you choose to do with it, so if you will excuse me, the smoke has cleared and the fear is knocking. I’m tired of running, win or lose I have to answer that bitch this time, it’s the only way the smoke completely clears and I shut the doors to my past….

How Do You Block Out Fear?

You don’t, it’s what you choose to do with it. The moment is coming where I have to be bigger than it all or it all swallows me. Where I must admit what I did and I admit no matter how badly that it cost me certain things I’ll never get back, because right now it is causing me the rest of my life! The bad and how it sucks right now won’t last forever, it ends as soon as you put and end to it my friend! You see we all fear certain things, I fear I have fucked up my life so bad that I will never be able to fix it, but that fear serves a dual purpose! It can bury me or it can push me to new heights and some of the greatest thing of my life! You can’t block it out and you can’t fight it, the fear knows you as well as you know yourself, you created it! everrybody in this life gets a moment and everybody has to face the fear, it’s when you figure out what your made off, if you have the guts or you don’t! No more excuses, no more ducking the hurt, the past is done and has been done with me for a long time. It kills me tonight, but what I fear the most is if I keep losing this battle the fear wins and I don’t know what’s left then! Closing my eyes and trying to sleep has gotten harder and harder and I can no longer accept what I have done, it’s about to do me in, all that’s left is what I do left with the fear….

A Line Had To Be Drawn!

I’m just better than this, maybe it’s time to start from scratch, maybe one more time it is time to burn this bitch down and pray you have one more do over left. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be a homeless guys dog. They spend all day with their owner, dogs love that and they get spoiled, everybody says homeless people take care of their dogs first! How cool would it be to see a homeless guy with a cat on a leash! No wonder my A.D.D. ass can’t get anything done, I’m all over the place. At some point a line had to be drawn, I know why the ones that I don’t want to be gone are gone, a line simply had to be drawn. You can tie yourself to a ship going down when the captain is doing nothing to save it. Hell, you can’t even hang around that, it will destroy you while its destroying itself! It will say it’s going to knock off the bullshit, it will but only for a moment make it look like it knocked off the bullshit, but in reality it’s just added more bullshit to the equation to try to cover up all the other bullshit! Now that right there is shit, but it is some of the truest shit you will ever read, a line had to be drawn! So then my question is this, are you the one drawing the line this time and saying enoughs enough? Or are you hopping on a boat from Libya to Europe crossing the line and hoping!