Running out of time, but somehow I have to believe that time won’t run out! What I want has collided with what I did, but at 11:50 last night hope! Maybe just a glimmer, maybe not hope at all, but I have to believe and I have to know I have to be better this time. Hope, I’m living for a maybe and I’d like to say maybe it isn’t my fault but it is. Don’t put yourself in a situation where your hopes and dreams and everything you want comes down to a maybe! Because maybe tomorrow never comes, it can happen that quick. Because maybe what you want, and what was supposed to be yours is lost, because maybe you didn’t do anything about it when you had the chance! Maybe you’ll die tomorrow, maybe you’ll love to be a hundred, life is full of maybe’s, so I ask you this? Why add more maybes and more chaos to it, because not maybe, I’m a 100% sure I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hands! It was my world and I would have done anything for it until I didn’t, because maybe I thought I had time. And now maybe all that time I had has caught up with me and maybe the most amazing thing to happen to me is gone! Maybe it all works out for me, maybe it doesn’t, but one thing I know for sure, life gets a lot easier when you take maybe out of it and your words match your actions! Because maybe they never left at all, maybe the actions taken were taken because just maybe it was the only option they had left! So maybe you can be mad about it or maybe you own everything you did, take your lumps and come back swinging taking everything you want! Because maybe, just maybe tomorrow never comes, but if it does come, this time I’m coming with everything I’ve got….
“Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know your word says, “woe to those who call evil good,” but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it a lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it a choice. We have shot the abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted out neighbors possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!”
Agree with all of what Billy Graham said, some of you wont, but all of you will admit there is a lot of truth in what he says there. I used to say don’t be a fag to my friends, after Orlando I decided it wasn’t funny and it wasn’t and indictment of them, more an indictment of my character. I was raised a certain way, not to hate, but that gay was wrong. Who in the end are you or I to judge? How pissed would you people you didn’t even know decided to judge what you were doing? Got nothing to say about that one do you? I don’t either, I used to think it was okay for a lot of things, but laziness turned into lack of ambition and loss of everything I wanted and well those things just weren’t so okay anymore. Life comes down to nothing more than choices, period. Anyone who tries to tell you any different is a flat-out liar. Believe in God like I do or don’t, he’s there for you if you believe, but believe this. The time has come and gone and everyone is waiting for you to make that move that God can’t make. You can lead a horse to water, but it always holds true, you cant make it drink. You and only you can change you, not somebody else, not God not anybody, they all can help, but YOU have to want it this time…..
You never thought it would happen, you never thought that this moment would pass. Sometimes, when life presents us with moments, with have to grab them, if we don’t we end up here. All it took to realize how much it mattered were the words, “I am done, done and I am seeing someone else.” Your future, everything you wanted was tied up in that moment, but when the moment presented itself yet again you let it pass. Nothing kill more outside of losing a loved one than not having what you want and knowing there was a moment when you could have had it. I’ve found what stings the most is not being wanted anymore by someone or something you want so badly. Moments my friends will pass I promise you and looking back now, too many have passed, it’s getting to be too much. This last moment was supposed to be it, but did I knock of my crap in time to stop the moment from passing? Nope, I just counted down the days until the time bomb that I knew was going to go off went off. I promise you this thing, a moment will pass if you let it that breaks you and then this happens. Yeah you lose some weight and start hitting the gym, but it doesn’t matter as much as it used to because there isn’t a K,R and a S to go home to. Those three letters were your life and now its all a passing moment. A moment you wanted so bad, a moment you thought you could live without, and therein lies the problem, you thought! How many times in your life can you look back and say you thought? I promise you down the road what you thought will be wrong, you will run out of time, you wont be smart enough to do something with the borrowed time you were given and what was once yours will end up somebody elses. Only let it happen once, this is number three I should have put a rock on and now again I approach 40 and the moment isnt passing, after what I was told tonight it has passed….
The one thing that never escapes me thru it all finally has, the words. More questions again that lead to fewer answers and more excuses. You had it all, right up until you didn’t, because the clock finally struck midnight on your sorry ass Cinderella. My own worst enemy doesn’t even begin to cover the shit show that I have created this time. The moments of intense bring you to your knees pain coincide with the feelings of do I even care at all. Caught in the middle is me with only one question left. You aren’t getting any younger, so when do you think you might want to do something about the situation? It’s what you didnt know that kills you now, it’s what you didnt think mattered so much, but really did. Sometimes we underestimate or take things for granted and only after they are taken away from us do we realize just how important they were. They were supposed to have our babies, they were supposed to help us to that next step in life, they were supposed to help us get that promotion. But we were too stupid to realize it at the time and believe you this, when you do realize it. It hits you right between the eyes and dead center of the chest. Yeah what we think we know and what we really didnt know will collide and the later usually wins when you sit and wait for it to happen. All that in hindsight bullshit turns out to be true you find out, what the fuck I would have done different. The losses mount, and the win column at the moment is looking pretty bare. Far better than quite a few but still unable to get out of my own way, because what I didnt know I now do know. This is the only ride we get and I have sat in the passenger seat for far to long and if you are to its time to grab the wheel. It’s all still there in front of you if you would wake up and quit feeling sorry for yourself and take care of the problem. Shouldnt be to hard considering you are the problem, so who better to fix yourself than you? There is a move to be made and it can be made, nothing is lost yet, key word stupid is yet Maybe you didnt know how much it mattered, but you sure do now, your move…..
Everybody else has already forgotten the mistake. You’re the one who keeps beating yourself up over it, their waiting to see what you do! People put their lives on hold, people stood up for you, people deserve better from you and your still busy worried about what doesn’t matter, the mistake. The mistake this time will be far worse than any you have made before. Because the mistake is letting your life pass you by worried about something you can do nothing about. I kind of have fun, it kind of matters sometimes, but losing what you want because your worried about what you did is wearing on me tonight! Seeing someone I used to be close with at one time, now on the run for murder because of drugs makes you think. Another relationship biting the dust, and while it may be a blessing and you are starting to see the ugliness of the other person, who is to say it wasn’t right? Not you, that is for sure with the lies you told and the tales you spun, and that brings me back to the guy on meth and the dead body. He used to be a nice enough guy like me, hell I really liked him at one point, but when do your decisions start to not only catch up with, but own you? Been thinking a lot about those moments lately in life where you go left or right, what would have happened if I would have went the other way. I have done nothing with myself for a while now, I haven’t regressed into meth and murder, but I have progressed. well that’s a fucking joke. Don’t you get tired of it all? the constant battle of over and over not only losing yourself, but watching what you want to walk out the door? What and who matters? You will find people who talk about it, aren’t about it. Those who are about it will show you that they are in a second, those that can’t will talk your ear off about what their going to do. That works at 7, works well at thirteen and at eighteen graduating high school, at 38 people don’t give a shit about what you say, they care about what you are about! And I am about to lose this fight, that is the only thing that is clear in my mind tonight. Not the pain, not the fear of being exposed, but the fear I have gotten to old and pissed away one too many chances! Yeah, but that really isn’t going to work, it’s not the mistake that kills you, its not the heartbreak, its not the getting kicked in the ball’s when you are down, this I have learned in life. The one thing that gets easier once you do it and slowly kills you is quitting and that’s a fact. And I just don’t have it in me, I fucked up a million times on this yellow brick road I have traveled, but I’m still crazy enough to believe in myself. I’m still crazy enough to chase my dreams and I still think after all is said and done I get what I want. Why the fuck not? Why not believe you’re going to come back with Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack” playing in the background bigger and fucking badder than anyone ever thought you could. Wonder what would happen if you quit believing in the mistake and started believing in yourself? You can still have that moment we all get in life, that one moment to change it all. Everyone is watching, the mistake is made, what shall you do know is what matters!
Easy only makes it harder down the line. Easy makes you think you have time, easy makes you lazy. They always said you can take the easy way out, that’s where I quit listening. I missed the but if you do it will haunt you for 16 years. It doesn’t haunt me anymore as much as it owns me, but in the middle of the shit storm I have created got a moment of clarity. A moment of I better start living life now and stop letting it live me. A face popped up on my Facebook feed it was tied to a police report. A face I used to know a face I used party with and hangout with. A face that I used to do a shit load of blow with, it almost took quite a few of us that year and it did take the person I’m talking about a little brother. He od and the guy doing blow with him just ran and left him. As I started taking inventory today and realized what I have cost myself, I realized something. It’s never as bad as it seems, that face I used to know got hooked on meth and killed someone two nights ago and is on the run. The thing that is crushing me right now may not have given a crap about me I am coming to find out after the fact. I’ve completley lost my train of thought overcome with the emotion of MY choices and what taking the easy way has cost me. Stay positive, it’s been darker than this and you survived, easy is a choice and living you life is a choice, but remember this. Easy my friends, is the biggest lie of all….