When You Flip Off The Guy Who Cut You Off!

And then get up next to him and he’s twice your size! Now what stupid? People told you for far too long deal with your anger or it will deal with you at the worst time. Deal with it or it comes back to deal with you at the worst possible moment. A dream was in front of me today, a dream still in play that I thought long ago expired. But I’m still to busy fucking around with what I know is the wrong thing and now I’m going to ruin more lives. Walk away clean like I do and move right on to the next thing. You ever look in the mirror Snow White and wonder at what point you lost all control and stopped recognizing who or what was looking back? I want to say I can’t stand myself, that I’m human and I feel something, hell you believe all the experts and except for the bodies I show all the signs of a phycosiopath! I lie so well everybody believes it, boy I’ll act like and sure tell you that I care, but when it comes time to care, I’m ducking, diving and dodging trying to get away from it! Realizing as I get older I’m tired of my childish actions costing me things that matter. Some I’ll unfortunately never be able to get back as badly as I may want too, so I must focus on what I havent pissed away. There’s still chances in play and people who haven’t given up on me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got this pissed off twice my size dude who it would appear wants a word with me..

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Google….. Weed Maps!

Didn’t even know it existed, but and hour away from a weekend where I beat it, I was stuck in 100 degree heat with a two-hour wait, I was hitting up weed maps near the Gorge. And not just googling it, losing my mind trying to find it. Objects in mirror are closer sometimes then they appear and as I went around I-90 the wrong way, when I looked back in the mirror I saw it. They had caught up with me, they who have helped change my life, I had a 45 minute lead until I got stuck in traffic and they caught up with me. And how disappointed they would have been  and how it would have drastically changed my life for the worse flashed right before my eyes!  I was about to hit my blinker to turn left into the pot store parking lot, but I looked up, I didn’t get caught, it didn’t beat me even though it was seconds away from fucking up my life, I realized I won. What? Yeah I have no fucking clue, but everyday you beat it and doesn’t beat you is a win! Realize what matters and what you’ve lost and still could lose and shit gets a lot easier, let’s just be honest! It all comes down to your approach Tiger Woods!

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In Too Deep! Like Balls Deep

And I’m not talking about the burying your dick in a chick deep, this shit is serious! This time there are no words to save it, I don’t even trust my words anymore, hell and for sure I can’t trust myself! Yeah, this is the life I chose and now everything I had is forced to choose something else! “One shot, everything rides on tonight, even if I have two strikes, I’m gonna go for it, this moment we own it!” Like him or not, Whiz is right, this moment right here and now, we own or we let it own us bottom line! Everything rides on the decision I make tonight,  we are way past the point of three strikes! I made a really big cut Taylor Swift, but I don’t have tens of millions of dollars and another hit record to fall on, I’m about to fall on my sword! The song would go on to say, “bandaids don’t fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show and when you live like that, you live with ghosts!” I’m balls deep in it now, tomorrow words won’t save me, this time, the one area I have always failed at correcting, must be corrected or I want to be balls deep, but far too deep in over my head……

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All The Words I Meant To Say, But The Words Got In The Way!

And now those words have brought me to today! Today, realizing how much we depend on things! How much I depended on my cpu and the Internet not to go down and then it did. What do you do when life throws you those curveballs? Do you get out and do something about it, or do you sit around waiting for someone else to do it? Life comes down it would seem to one final principal, who wants it more! I sure thought I did, until everyone else started getting what was mine, and worst of all you ask? Not because they were better than me, others who wanted me settled, because I wouldn’t get my shit together! This Saturday morning I will leave on a three-day trip that will define the rest of my life! It will decide the final battle, it will decide if I win and once and for all get my life back or if I will continue to keep faking it! Sometimes I listen to Joel Osteen and a while back he said something about you have to fake it until you make it, well I’m tired of faking it and I’m flat to old for it pushing 38, by Tuesday I’ll have my answer!

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I’m Paranoid! What It Was, And What I Made It!

I’m tripping the song would go on to say! Afraid of success of my own fucking shadow, hell I have no idea anymore!  You ever realize after you survive it that the big bad wolf knocking at the door turned out to be little red riding hood? Seems like most of the time we make our demons much bigger than they ever were by themselves! Whatever it is that you an I are letting get in the way, we both know what it is and shit has to go whether you want it too or not! This is my fight song, this is my I made it bigger in my head than it ever was song! This is my if I knock off all the dirtbag bullshit I can still take back my life song! Yeah it may just be a song, but listen to it, sometimes it only takes one match, one shot, one chance to change it all and why the fuck not you and why the fuck not right now! The hole you are in, you dug it mother fucker, so start fucking climbing! It may just be a long way up, but in the fucking end I promise you from years of experience that it will be worth it! Game over, times up, so what say you? What is your move? Everybody is pulling at you and eventually you either have to do something about it or be pulled apart and eventually has now turned into today! What it was I made it in my head and what it is lies in front of me still one last Chance I didn’t deserve to pull it off, so game on!

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What If I Was Wrong About Everything!

seriously though, what if I’ve been wrong about all of it? What if it all was a test and all that pain i thought was unbearable got me to this point? What if I realized I survived it and I quit playing the victim? What if you did too? Maybe I’m just paranoid, but what if I was wrong? What if what  I thought was going to end me, actually fucking makes me! What if it pushes me to that point where you break and you figure out a different way to do it and get it done, yeah what if? Tired of wrestling with all these demons, tired of finding all these reasons why I can’t when I know more than fucking anyone else I can! Doing it’s scary, but doing it? Far scarier I’m living proof of that and all I have to do is knock off the bullshit and it will all come together, but will I? Worse, why am I even allowing that to be a question? You ever get tired of doing it to yourself? What if you’re wrong about that Heaven place you believe in. What if what you get on here is it and there is no God. Just because you and hundreds of  millions of other people believe it, doesn’t make it so! So believe in the God that you do, but live as if he doesn’t exist, yeah looking back now, I was wrong about a lot of it. But it was one hell of a ride I wouldn’t trade for the world!

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I Wasted All Of 2014! And Now Half Of 15!

I looked back yesterday at thirty-seven and realized the last time my parents had anything to be proud of was high school sports! Next summer will be my twentieth, so we’re going on two decades! I’d like to laugh, I’m probably going to cry as I write this, and now I have to figure out some way to right all of this mess I’ve created! Don’t blink Kenny Chesney, time for sure moves faster than you think! 8 years ago it was a Kenny concert at Qwest now Century Link Field. The girl I was with is married with two kids, I’m still chasing my tail trying to figure out what happened to those years! I played the blame game and I made excuses and nobody wants to hear that shit, real men and women fuck up all the time, they admit it, own it and don’t do it again! Cowards live like you do and now what will you do with yourself? Choose nothing, continue down this path and a year from now be writing about how you wasted 15 and half of 16! I hate to be the bad guy, but the one who brings the truth usually is and the truth is, not just me, but all of us can’t continue like this! You get to a point where the only thing it says on your resume is dirtbag and you have to decide if that’s how you’ll be defined or if you’re going to start defining yourself! Because now you’re into the second half of 2015, potentially with everything you still want right in front of you, this moment will define you right here. Are you going to own it? Or are you going to keep getting owned?

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