Only One Question Left To Ask. What Happened?

Asking the question more and more these days as I lose more and more time. More and more seems to be a constant thing. More time I wasted more time I can’t get back, what I would give for five more minutes like that Scotty McCreery song. “Time rolls by the clock don’t stop, I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, good times. Oh but they just keep on flying by like nothing, wish I had me a pause button, moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it and give myself five more minutes! If only I could have that pause button, but I’m here left with what happened and I want it back. Can’t live there, can’t keep hating yourself for what you did, it’s a path to nowhere and more wasted years. Years, that Luke Bryan line about the days go slow and the years going fast is all I can hear pounding in my head like the band at high school basketball game I coach. These terrible things I have let prey on me have almost won. I’ve compromised almost everything and for what? To be standing here and looking at it all going what happened?Wish I could erase it all and make them all believe in me again, but that ship has sailed, because unlike the song, I was a really good liar for far too long. Built it up on what could have been so well and then waged a war on myself over and over again tearing it down because I couldn’t answer their questions. I just got mad and yelled louder, because that was all I had left. Made them feel bad for my actions and now my actions have led me to this. “Did all my dreams never mean one thing? Does happiness lie in a diamond ring? Oh I’ve been asking, oh I’ve been asking for problems, problems. I wage my war on the world inside, I take my gun to the enemy’s side oh I’ve been asking, oh I’ve been asking for problems, problems. So look me in the eyes, tell me what you see, the perfect paradise, tearing at the seams? I wish I could escape, I don’t want to fake it wish I could erase and make your heart believe, but I’m a BAD LIAR! Hush my dear it’s been a difficult year and terrors don’t pray on innocent victims!” And the difficulties of 2018 I have carried into 2019 and now going on twenty years wasted all there is that’s left to say are two things. Oh I’ve been asking for problems for a long time now and what happened……..

You’ll Miss Those Years You Wasted Afraid It!

I wish I could be stuck in this moment and freeze time. I could be doing a lot better now, but I sure as hell could be doing a lot worse. But here, where my dad stays 68 and my 66 years old diabetic mother stays 66. Wishful thinking right? But even a bad liar can’t convince himself that scenario I presented is realistic. Time proves over and over again that it wins and at some point we all lose! Listen to Garth Brooks, don’t miss the dance, I’m not perfect, but now at 41 I have figured out some things that boy I wish I would have known before. Life sucks, life’s amazing, we go up and sometimes we go down and life brings us to are knees, but remember this one thing. You’ll miss those years that you wasted afraid of it, take it from someone who knows! The Dozer I love you, come here boy who for the last two months you haven’t been able to say. The walks, the air, the life and all the joy that dog brought, Rest In Peace buddy! Already saving voicemails from my sixty-six year old diabetic mother. One day I’ll call and I’ll just get “ you’ve reached 360-***-**** please leave your message at the tone. Cold reality, but simply the facts of life, yeah, I’m guessing if you’re reading this right now that you too would like to have a few of those years back! Bad liars only fool themselves in the end and now here in the here and now, I’m sorry for it all. Sorry for all it cost me and more sorry for what it cost everybody else who believed in me while I was just content with getting by! Caught somewhere between being forty-one and looking back on all I wasted and trying to pick myself up off the ground one more time. Trying to convince myself that it’s not over because I did that and I wasted that and I did all of this. Arguing in my head if I can actually dust myself off for one more round, one more chance to throw that one knockout punch and change everything. The ending you wanted, a chance to come to terms with all the years you wasted and things you did! Know this, for you or I to ever get there, where we want to be it comes down to I. Not he did or she did or that wasn’t fair, pussy bullshit, you did it mother fucker, you got yourself into this mess, so you sure as fuck can get yourself out of it! It comes down to how bad do you want it and what matters. Worrying about images and what other people think? Or taking the hit and making it happen, can’t be afraid of the hit, we all take them and it’s all about how we come back from them. Oh yeah, one last thing, QUIT BEING AFRAID OF IT! You like me, have no more years left to waste my friends……

“Such A Bad Liar”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me what you see? The perfect paradise tearing at the seams! I wish I could escape, I don’t want to fake it, wish I could erase and make your heart believe!” I’m a bad liar, but you knew all that from the start and what I keep saying will fall together is slowly tearing me apart at forty-one! I waged the war on myself, In my mind. The  song would go on to say, oh I’ve been asking for problems and now they’re at the doorstep knocking! Hungry wolves who haven’t eaten in three days ready to feast on what’s left of me and then theirs me sitting here wondering how the fuck and when the fuck does it all end. I think the better question is this. Do I end it? Or does it end me? My crocodile tears don’t have the same impact they did before. I’ve played that card and showed that hand one to many times and now once again I am a man of one fear, the time I wasted. Wish I could escape it, wish I could erase it, go back in time somehow, but somehow it all seems like a moot point. My lies have collided with what I was going to do and again as I said before, oh I’ve been asking for problems. Now the problems staring me in the face I have no answers for! With the wrong woman because I am in fear of losing my daughter who I have raised since birth, but she isn’t my biological. I set up this trap game for myself a long time ago and kept hedging my bets on the answers just falling out of the sky! And now it’s to late to apologize for the time that I wasted that I can’t get back. The promises I made that I couldn’t  deliver on and the disaster that I left in my wake. And now all I have left to say is I’m a bad liar……