The Edge Was A Long Time Ago. I’m Sorry That I Let You Down!

Boy, where do I start with that one? The list is so damn long, the end may never be in sight! But a different end for me I sure do see in sight if I continue to live my life this way! Hard to be mad at anything but yourself when it was your dirty deeds that led to this point, and now you feel like what’s the point anymore! You question. It all more and more these days and somewhere in the middle of the storm you got old and those years you thought you had vanished! I just keep playing that NF song “Let You Down,” all the voices in my head have gotten to the loudest point! The point of pointing it all out too me. The looking back at 41 and wondering how it all ended up with this shit show! Lies and excuses became so easy to cover inaction, until the inaction got so great God himself couldn’t cover it! You think back, ten or twenty years and how you talked with hope and what could be and what came of it at 41 has you talking defeat at your darkest moment! On your knees, beaten to the ground, feeling like this might go down as badly as you thought! Hard to say the voices are wrong, when you created them and gave them all the ammo! Been worried about trump and a journalist and a judge and shit that just won’t matter in the end. What’s done is done, people and politicians will lie to cover their interests and asses, let’s all just be honest and real. This shit has turned into a Bourne Identity movie, somebody cue Matt Damon! Has anybody even said what this man supposedly did wrong? If the crown princes people are involved, but he isn’t? Harvey is going to go free, detectives are telling people to erase text messages, and young men are under attack! Are we really? Or did we quit acting like real men a long fucking time ago? Just asking for a friend! I don’t have any me too moments I’m not a scumbag, but I have more than a few I could have and should have been better moments that’s for sure. Perspectives sure change when I look into the eyes of my two-year old daughter, but I fear the edge was a long time ago and I’m sorry that I let you down!

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Kill Shoggi!

Shots fired, hell by the sounds of it that would have been far more humane! I don’t even know what to say anymore, and now 100 million dollar payment! Can we ask the basic question? What did this man know or who did he piss off, because nobody is sending fifteen people for me. At this point I hate, but can’t worry about the state of the world. The world is a dangerous place, so is the mind. But the fear of the unknown has led me to 41 and looking back at years wasted. At battle scars that showed some loses, but were supposed to lead to winning the war. And now as I look around myself, it looks like I have waned war on everything and everyone that mattered to me. I wish the good outweighed the bad, I wish I could make life fun again, I wish it wasn’t co Stanley chasing myself only to catch myself and do it all the fuck over again! I feel like it’s damn near impossible to shake it, how the fuck are you supposed to shake yourself? Lies cover lies until the lies run out, until they have all heard it before and before they believed in you, and now? Tabloid fodder of what could have been, just wasting out what left of his years he had. Same place different year, what a joke you’ve become. No more y’all of a comeback, just do what’s right and go away and fade away! Your choices have crushed you, hurt others and yet here we are. Same fork in the road, same chance to finally quit going left and take a chance and go right, but old comforts and habits die-hard right? How fucked Up is that? I just hope and pray that it isn’t too late. Then I don’t act on those hopes and prayers and get mad at why here I am stuck in this same fucking situation! Boy the ADD has kicked in, I started this shit off about a tortured wink, wink, might still be alive journalist and went off the rails. Going to have to take it way off the rails, going to have to go away from everything for a while and figure out a way to reinvent myself and come back bigger and badder. With a different plan, some how some way figure it the fuck out, because sick of this, being addicted to all the bullshit! Playing the victim to my own life that I am pissing away, whole people are walking into buildings that are supposed to be secure and losing their minds, whoops I mean heads……

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I Guess Somebody Has Too Play Superman!

Cape fits I guess, but the beat down was severe, and the comeback doesn’t seem near! It did, but kind of like the world these days, I got caught up worrying about what didn’t matter. When In the end, what really mattered were those days that I was letting pass by. I didn’t realize I had issues of my own that I had to deal with while I was trying to play Superman and help everyone else! In the end I worried more about the ones that didn’t matter, and let down the ones that mattered the most. And now what I want most of all is all of it back! Just one of the amazing women I let walk away, the people I can’t talk to anymore, because bad choices turned into worse decisions. And now I feel my life has become as big a shit show as that conformation hearing. I guess I’m a let down, the problem with that seems to be that I don’t have time to be a let down anymore. These battle scars will never fade as long as you continue to be at war with yourself! Sometimes we have to cut ties with things or people we don’t want too. Sometimes we have to let go of things that we never imagined we would have to let go of! Sometimes it’s called life and it’s called moving on and it’s sucks, but what’s worse you ask? Staying in the same fucking place lying down broken refusing to get up for so many years now you’re embarrassed to put it in print! Out of sight out of mind right, you can ignore anything if you want to. Until you can’t ignore it anymore, until yourself and the world stands up and puts on the red cape together! When it finally gets bad enough that your actions back up your words! When we the people realize we are bigger and badder than whatever is against us, when we make moves! Because whether they are for you or against you, there are always moves to be made! So are you heading for the phone booth to change? Or are you ducking behind it likes we all Gabe and will you let this continue! We will continue shortly, life calls……..

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Hate, It’s What’s For Dinner!

All this hate I keep coming up with! Is it hate speech, is it a hate crime, is it hate that divides, is it hate that we conquer! Is it the hate we don’t want to admit when you get cut off  in traffic and say fucking ni**er! When it’s a woman and you say that bitch doesn’t know how to drive. When it’s in a grocery store and you see the lady from another country using an EBT card and your response is go back to your own country? I guess my question is America, just what kind of hate are we talking about here? Hate that has the power to get a man elected to the highest office in probably the world? Hate that is making the victims the bad guys? Hate that we have turned away and looked away from for so long we have accepted it and made it okay? Right there is your answer America and some day probably sooner than later we are going to have to answer for it. All these mother fuckers running around doing shit in the name in the name of the God I believe in, who are worse than half the mother fuckers in jail, let’s just be honest! Say something America, like the song says, I’m giving up on you! Red or Blue, Trump or Obama, I swear on my momma all this bull shit we are worried about and are letting go on won’t mattet in the end! We are all going to die, so in the words of Rodney King, CANT WE ALL JUST FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT AND GET ALONG? Tired of kids getting shot in school, tired of the heroin epidemic taking kids before they ever have a chance! Tired of reading stories like part of a park in France is used for sex trafficking and prostitution! Tired of it all man, and you don’t have to believe in the Bible to see the parallels to back in the day when they all got wiped out! The lawlessness and lack of caring for your fellow-man can end you, it’s ended people before and for that matter entire populations! Hate may just be what’s for dinner, but it doesn’t have to be. What we, you and I do right now will maybe matter more than anytime in our history, there are moves to be made too save it all and change it all, moves that we need a few good men and women with some guts to step up and make! What changes the world is courage beyond what you think you’re capabale of! That MLK or Lincoln type of shit, this isn’t right, I may lose my life for standing against it and I can live with that! Real men, real courage, until we figure that out, hate will continue to be what’s for dinner!

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I Hate White People!

I’m 41 and lily-white, so let’s get that out of the way from the jump! I hate rich, white corporate people, I guess I should have clarified! You know the ones taking 9 figure bonuses while people are dying who can’t afford their drugs! Yeah, those douchebags, not a big fan! I hate that White guy in the White House, that this White guy voted for! I get that I will never get what it’s like to be black, I get I probably wouldn’t get shot in my own apartment! I hate that it’s my fault and every other white persona fault when shit like that happens! Because in the end, there are bad people in every race, color and creed, if we are all honest! I hate that nobody is honest anymore, it’s all half-truths and what they want you to hear. I hate that when someone speaks the truth, they are an asshole and everyone’s feelings get hurt! I hate that we the people have become we the pussies and let it get this far! I’d like to believe like Luke Bryan that most people are good, but lately? I’m having a real hard time convincing myself of that! You know what I hate the most? Because I used the word hate, that’s prolly why you read this post….. we will get back to this in a couple of hours folks!

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What Will They Remember!

The good times? At this point there just hasn’t been enough of them. And lately what should be good time has all the good time sucked out of it by the stress and the walls crumbling down on me! Built it up on bullshit and now I find my temper razor thin and find myself getting mad at those closest too me and I have no fucking clue at all why! I mean I guess the why is the easy part, it’s all starting to catch up with me at 41! All the things I put off, because I was sure I was going to have time for them! Then the cancer came and took my grandfather in his eighties! His mom lived until she was 104 and he was so healthy, I knew I had time! Now the time that I thought I had is fleeting, it’s going to take more than the holy water at the river Eminem! The marks in the L colloum are starting to mount up, I think more now about what they will remember more than what could have been! Sometimes I think what could of been is so far gone it can never be, but if I admit that, I admit defeat. And this I do firmly believe, there is but only one thing and or person on this earth that can defeat you. And that is the mother fucker looking back at you in the mirror in the morning. The mother fucker who looks back at you and says today is the day that we beat it. The face that looks back and tells you that you can’t, defeat isn’t a real live thing, that only happens in sports or competition! We let ourselves be defeated in our mind first! Then we worry about what they are saying, or what could have been or what they will remember! Once you choose to lose the battle in your mind, that’s when it’s all over. That’s when bad thoughts creep in, that’s when you stop getting back up off the mat, that’s when it’s all over. Trust someone who has put them self thru hell and back at 41. Trust someone who has lost and had things slip thru his hands that damn near broke him. Trust someone who has had to sit and watch others get his opportunities because of the choices he made! Trust me it hurts, trust me that it sucks and trust me that it’s not over! Hold on, make it happen, figure out a new plan or a new way to attack it and promise a guy whose still at the bottom fighting just like you this. That you’ll fIght, you’ll comeback swinging or you will go down swinging, but either way, you’ll give them something to remember!

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Did We Sell Are Soul To The Devil In The Process?

The process surely wasn’t supposed to be like that. It’s the left, it’s the right, it’s a senator from Zona, it’s Mrs. Collins whose constituents will handle that! I want to talk about change, I want to talk about how I was a screw up and figured it all out and cane up with a new plan! I want to quit hearing the voices about what I did, I want them to see the comeback! Any old mother fucker can run their mouth and talk about it, we all have lips! Speaking of lips, ladies I have a question for you! Your lips look just fine, why would you inject your lips with that shit? Why would you dress like that too while we are at it? You know that you are just asking for it stupid, in my Brett Kavanaugh voice! America I have a question for you! How can he be a judge, when he couldn’t handle being judged, when his own back yard wasn’t clean! Be careful young men, I have a warning for you, it’s a dangerous time for you! My voice echoing in the background mocking sexual assault victims! Hey, here’s a novel fucking idea! There’s a few girlfriends who weren’t happy in the end, but not one of them would say I laid a hand on or sexually assaulted them! I may have a head with no fucking screws in it but I know right from wrong, so do all you shit bags out there defending your actions! To all you kids out there, I am involved with kids and bring a kid can be brutal enough! In the end, fat, someone having less than you or looking or having different circumstances than you won’t matter! What will matter will be when you look back on it all. And at 41 I look back on it all now and think how could I have done some of the things I’ve done and how the  fuck did I ever let it go down like this. So cut them some slack, include them, be a kid and let them be a kid. I had two pretty good parents! A lot of kids unfortunately don’t have one, doesn’t matter if their in Jordan’s or ten-dollar off the rack at Wal-mart shoes, we are all fucking people man. And man, I sure feel that we have lost track of that somewhere along the line! And now I fear we have been toeing this line a little too long and somehow in this whole process, I feel like the devil one! But the devil will tell you himself, that the devil is in the details. He doesn’t have to be there, we put him there, so your move my friend!

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