A Change At Redemption!

Too many times we go after it out of revenge. Forgetting most times, that it was our own action, or inaction that caused it in the first place! I for a long time focused on showing them and focused on revenge, yesterday I realized whose fault it was. Yesterday I saw a way out and my lady shot, not at revenge, but at redemption! I almost let time run out, I was so focused on and mad at the things that were done to me that I missed it. It was a change reaction, my one bad action turned into inaction and created this whole fucking mess, nobody else in on the hook but me. Personally, I think I’d rather have it that way. All on my shoulders,  all on me to fix, a chance to see what I’m really made of, a chance to see how bad I really want it! I keep coming back to life being about moments. Not moments that money can buy, but the moments that change us. The moment we fall in love with her or him and we know this is it. Holding your baby and looking into her amazing blue eyes. Winning a state title with your high school buddies, or doing what they said you couldn’t do! We all have fans out there watching thinking it’s going to go down the same way as before, their ready to laugh, just biding their time! What if you shut them up this time, what if you take your chance at redemption and run with it? But there’s your problem, you never have, so your life has come down to what! Your call, is it one more what if, or do you take what out of the equation this time? You say it matters, you say last night you learned something and realized just what matters! You say a lot of things……

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Black Lives Don’t Matter! “We Either Heal Together, Or Die As Individuals!”

Its Charlotte today, Chicago yesterday and coming to a neighborhood near you tomorrow, it is  a line from “Any Given Sunday.” We either heal together or we die as individuals, and that  is where I fear we are at. Fear has taken over, I wouldn’t want to be black and pulled over right now, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be a cop. I don’t even want to go to  the mall, you will get shot or stabbed there too! I think I will just sit at home and be afraid and do nothing. Now  we have athletes protesting the anthem and I have no clue which side I come down on. Family who took bullets for this country, I also get that lately a lot of black people have been getting shot by cops. I believe Chicago has hit 500 homicides and it is only September. For all the good things people  say Obama has done, the violence is definitely not one of them. The one thing people have always gotten right time and time again, killing each other. It is how nations  are founded, it is how we punish the worst of the  worst, some do it out of jealousy, some  out of revenge, doesn’t really matter why we do it, it has to stop. We either heal together, or we die as individuals. We have created a department of Homeland Security out of fear. Feel any safer? We turn on the news and  its cops dead and its black people dead and  its level three sex offender and its are world going to hell and not enough people with the guts enough to step up and do something about it. Why would you? They shot Lincoln and Luther for doing it. But they knew what was at stake, they knew what happened very well might happen and they did it anyway. We need more men like that, not these fuck boys that we are raising. We need people who understand what’s at  stake and know the  consequences could be high, but we are running out  of time if we continue to do nothing. Because black lives will continue to not matter until it is all out race wars and riots. Cops will be afraid to show up for calls, in the end  everything this country was built on will crumble, so one question. Together, or individuals?

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We Never Close!

Close chapters like we should, close the book on regret, close the book on looking back. They say don’t look back, don’t go back, but what if you feel you never really gave it a real chance? What if you still keep going forward, but your mind keeps going back, please tell me, what the fuck then? We never close, too many 4 a.m. sessions where my mind wont stop and it goes one place. One place I don’t know it I want to or for that matter ever can go again, but again and again there it is dealing with me  instead of me dealing with it. All these games we play to pass the time until it all plays out and now others are getting hurt, because I have to admit. I would drop it all this second to have it all back, whatever the hell that means. “To be honest at times I am tempted by past pleasures that I used to dabble with, but I am reminded with the pain that it caused me, a cheap thrill isn’t cheap, it is costly.” Costly in the time that has passed, costly in the fact that I will never get it back, costly in the fact that I can’t ever close now. I can’t slip for a second, I cant make another mistake, I cant keep choosing what’s easier instead of what I should. Figuring out a different way is the only way, because I have mad mistakes and let shit slide and now as I look back, I realize I slid away with it! Today one of two things must happen. I have to fight for it, or I have to let it go and move forward, I have to decide which is more important and I have to close the book on one or the other, because the other is killing me…..

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The Difference

The difference between can and can’t lies all between your ears. My dad taught me young and boy did he turn out to be right, “don’t quit, it only gets easier the second time.” You can screw up, you can step in it so bad you think it is over, you can fall, take some huge blows that life will throw. But the difference is, how many times can you get back up? I equate it to this, the final fight in one of the Rocky movie where he is fighting the Russian. He took some huge shots, he took everything the machine had to throw at him, but heart one out in the end. The machine started to doubt himself and the machine started to break when it couldn’t break what it was up against. The difference is, will you break? Life will make it worse, just when you think it cant get any worse. Time tears through your life-like a tornado, taking away the things that matter most like they were never there. Kenny Chesney has a song about not blinking and life going faster than you think and the difference is I realize it now. Not twenty years ago at 19 when I could care less and had the whole world in front of me. The difference is, none of it has gone down how I had planned or thought it would and now looking back on the last twenty as I sit here at 39 I have questions. Questions that I dont know if I will ever have the answer to. The difference is, most people my age have those questions answered, but when I am asked them it is just lies and excuses, because that is all I have left. There has to be a difference this time, I have to be better this time…..

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Today This Ends…..

The back and forth and the running back to it when it could give a fuck less about you has to stop. It will destroy you and in the end you will be destroying yourself, you have to power to not go back to it. The why not’s have to outweigh the whys this time, this time it has to be different. This time you have to realize it wasn’t all your fault and what went down on the other end was pretty shitty. Tough, when something that means the world to you, could give a fuck less about you. But when the cards are shown, and the hand is played, sometimes you have to quit being a sucker and just walk away from the table. Walk away as bad as it hurts, realize that even though you wanted it, some things are really just too good to be true. Holding on to what has let go of you will end you, it will keep you in the same place, it will literally paralyze you if you let it. All that progress you made and all it takes is one text, or one post and it destroys it all. Sometimes it isn’t about the excuses anymore, the why you can’t or how badly you feel about the shit you did. Everybody does bad shit and everybody fucks up, you learn that as you go along in this life. You can keep saying tomorrow, that you have time, you can say a lot of things, but you might want to think about today being the day that the excuses end.

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I Used To Think…..

I used to think a lot of things, but now all I think about is the would have, should have and the could have. The three things in life all rooted in regret that we all go thru at one time or another in our life. When what we should have done, collides with what we did do and we don’t like the outcome. But we had time to change the outcome and we wasted out time thinking we would never run out of time. I met a handicapped guy at the bar today and thought to myself, hes trapped in his own mind. He drinks too much to forget, forget that people look past him, forget that girls wont talk to him. He would die for 24 hours of my time, to be able to not be mentally handicapped for one day, and what the hell am I doing with my time you ask? Leading two more down the path of destruction, I don’t want to even tell you what I did  last night after what I did Saturday. But boy I sure as hell will call somebody else on it on the other side of the situation. Tell them what a bad person they are for doing the same thing that I am doing, actually even feel good about it for a second. A second, before the reality of all that I have done starts setting in and closing in on me. Time wasted comes back to haunt you my friends and chances really do come back around when you blow them sometimes, but you only get to blow them so many times. That only make the mistake once and learn from it bullshit they tell you couldn’t be more on point, know that. Know that you are better than this and far more capable than this and  know at one point no matter how far you’ve gotten off track that you believed it once to. Nobody will be your biggest critic and your biggest fan other than yourself, know that! Do it for the right reasons, do it for yourself, don’t do as I did. Don’t go out and do it looking for vengeance, revenge is a dish best served cold. Take care of what you need to, take care what you said you were going to take care of watch what they say then. Better yet, watch when they have nothing to say, because you shut them up and there’s nothing left for them to take shots at. Life about the moments that money can’t buy. I used to think it was about money and things, being the popular guy, having the cool stuff, I used to think a lot of things……

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“Posting Pics Like Some Hollywood Star”

You ever laugh at how you do it to yourself? How the worst fucking wounds it is true like they whoever they are said. The worst wounds are self inflicted, words hurt, sticks and stones lied too and other people can hurt you, but it sure seems like at hte end of the day the worst wounds I inflict myself. I tried drunk, I tried sober, I tried to smoke myself into a weed coma, this getting over you as they say is hell.  Having the guts to block numbers and unfollow, friend and erase everything else like it nevver happened is hareder than it looks my friends. Great song  from Kane Brown, “I used to love you sober.” Sometimes the liqour and the friends help me forget it all, sometimes  its like it all went down yesterday, the heart wants, well what the heart wants. Those choices we make that we now question, but we know we can go theere or it is a death sentence. The whys and tthe unasnwered qustions that we all have that we one day realiize its part of being and adult, we may never get the answers we seek. It hurts like it used to, more than it used to and as I write this the thing thats making it hurt chimes in with a Go Hawks. Our favorite team, all I can do not to grab the phone and send that text, but what good would it do? Going through hell getting through it all and if I pick up that phone I am right back at the same spot that I was before. But the high, the second you see the text come in across your phone and the name attached to it and your fucked, “Sometimes I find peice of mind in a bottle of wine, sometimes I break down and cry.” And sometimes I dont know how to end, get past or get over it and it scares the hell out of me. I cant bank on the freinds trying to apeize my mind with the “youll get over it, youve gotten over it before.” That was before, that wasnt a week a way from my thirteeninth birthday with the  years ive wasted playing  throughout my mind like a bad movie that ive watched one too many times. “You cant start the next chapter of your life, if you keep re-reading the last one.” Did it, didnt cave, feel good? I cant say what I feel, but I can tell you this  much, I feel stronger……

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