The consequences of doing what I wanted to do and leaving so many questions unanswered that serve as the worst sleeping pill in the world. Discipline is the only thing left I have to reach for, everything else seems just out of reach. The discipline to follow through on what I say and the faith that if I do, it all won’t be coming back on me, but back to me! The only difference between them and you and what you want and you is one word, discipline! How bad do you want it? One right choice to stay the course, stay on the path and believe in yourself lies right in front of you! So how does it end? Does it all come back on you or does it all come back too you? And are you going to make the decision or are you going to let it be dictated to you once again….
I have the ball with six seconds left down by two, but unlike Notre Dame, I have to hit the shot! Or my shot at any kind of life goes down the drain once and for all. March madness is almost over, my shot to play Cinderella is waning! It’s bad man and everyday I wake up it seems to get worse, but I’m still just that fucking crazy. A little stronger than I knew, I still think I get one more shot at this. All the hurt I caused and all the lies I told don’t matter anymore if I don’t give up and keep fighting! It almost won last night, it had me questioning it, I was doubting myself, I’d just taken to many hits! But that’s what everybody is just sitting back and expecting to happen because it has every time before. But I wasn’t ready before, I kept showing up at the same battle with the same weapons I lost with every other time. I’ve recharged and rearmed myself and I hear you say I’m going to be nothing in this life, but I hear something else. I hear there’s a chance, I hear those winds of change Nelson Mandela was talking about are blowing and I just wonder what could happen if I was ready this time! Get your shit together, because shit is about to go down and together we can change shit….
Do something, anything man or be passed over and forgotten, not even a memory! You’ve still got a shot to make your mark and change history, hell the Khardashians are famous for nothing. Man you ever get so stressed you forget what the hell you were doing? It’s the elite eight, it’s Cinderella time baby, its anything can and will happen time and that is how I have to look at the rest of my life! You ever wonder what would happen if you started a white people meet .com! Why not, they got black people meet, bang a milf, farmers only, I think just like everything else in life, white people are getting left out! I mean we pay more in taxes because we have better jobs and more of the wealth! Oh what’s that you say? We don’t because we find ways around it and tax shelters! Well then we must give more! It’s not like Bill Gates is saving kids in Africa and shoving his Monsanto down our own kids throats at home! I bet I don’t get shot in Missouri although I wouldn’t go for a cops gun, but I guarantee five cops don’t choke me to death in NYC! I see some of the looks my Muslim friend Kareem gets when he wears his my prophet is Mohamed t-shirt. I see that people don’t see that he’s the nicest guy in the world and takes time out of his day to teach me and others things. Chris Rock said it best, “it’s alright, if it’s all white! Shaq is rich, the white mother fucker who signs his check is wealthy!” Just remember as Eminem says, “white America, I could be one of your kids!!!!!!”
When you know that this is the end and you made deal after deal and never kept your end of the bargain! The reaper comes for all of us at some point and what he is bringing with him now looks pretty grim! I dint have a feeling this ends badly, this shit goes down like the Khardashians with the husband turning into a chick and all! Except there won’t be any million dollar sex tape, no t.v. Show and no million dollar clothing line, just the pain from all that you have done! When that sinking feeling sets in and you start to realize your dream and your last shot might be over. Where there’s no one liner to laugh it off, the one episode of your favorite show where the good guy doesn’t win. Life starts happening to us all the older we get and I have wasted so much of mine, I don’t have a clue where to start. Lost isn’t even close to the right words at this point and I’m starting to question if there is a point to any of it anymore! Time to make some big boy decisions, because time is running out on me and any chance of anything. One shot, one opportunity as the song says, so away we go…..
And fuck me man, I seem to be all out of those at the moment. Can’t look up and ask God, he’s as tired of hearing about it as everybody down here is. He’s saying the same thing that they are, why havent you done anything about it! It’s the one question that still needs to be answered and I’m looking everywhere for that answer except for the one place I know it to be, inside of me! Yeah it’s going to take every angel I got in Heaven at this point, both grandfathers, a grandmother a lab who carried me when I couldn’t carry myself and that six-year-old little girl who went to Heaven far to soon! It’s going to take every last bit that I got left, it’s not going to take a miracle to change the world and this life I’ve so badly fucked up, it’s going to take faith. It’s going to take a belief in myself like I have never had before, it’s going to take doing it the hard way for once instead of always sliding out the backdoor the easy way! It’s simply going to take one thing, do I have it in me to beat myself this time? Is the old me really dead and gone, because this simply can’t continue to go on…
As I gave the homeless guy Money today, it all came back to me, the knock at the window. When I was sleeping in my car, when I had written myself off and the cop was knocking not to be and ass and tell me too move on, but rather to make sure I was alive. Third worst moment in my life, right after the day my former best friends daughter died at 6 DNS waking up with a fifteen percent chance of living when I was 21! I think about that wreck that should have killed me and how I let it ruin my life instead of make my life. I’m tired of being fake, I’m tired of having to lie about shit, not having too but choosing to! And yet again another week has passed and here I sit like and old mother hen sitting on my eggs waiting for something to hatch! Sorry my stiche is getting old and tired, I promise you the one who is the most tired of it by far at this point is me and now I have to go pee. Maybe I’ll get back to you later with something worthwhile to say!
“Dwight, Doc Gooden: if your curveball isn’t working, you’ll know how to fix that. If the control on your pitches is off, you’ll know how to fix that too. But you will face a lot of hardship because of your inability to realize you can’t fix yourself.” never a more honest statement made, the last part of it mirrors the last seventeen years of my life that I wasted. One of the top five pitchers without a doubt I have laid my eyes on in thirty-seven years, the things he did at 19 and the composure on the mound never lead on to the white devil behind the scenes! I could say the same thing, and then I ruin their hopes and dreams. I look and sound like everything that you would want, but as my second favorite Hawk says, “it’s all about that action boss!” What you dead yesterday is done and like that Adidas commercial says, “do something and ne remembered or do nothing and be forgotten, nobody owns today!” And I’ve said tomorrow yesterday far too many times my friends!