Best fiend gone, girl gone for good all in the same week and now my number two who was helping me through it just stole 100 dollars from me! Man when it rains it pours and I just can’t seem to reign it all in anymore! Tired of the battle, tired of not winning the fight. Tired of looking for answers to questions I already know, then after the fact acting all hurt about it like I didn’t know how it was doing to go down. Yup no end in sight over here, that is for sure, we are the creators of our own demise! The demons we choose not to deal with, will inevitably deal with us, at the worst possible time. You think I would learn, every single time I have screwed up it was for a reason and down the line even though I couldn’t see it, it got better. Maybe if for once in my pathetic life I got it right and I got ready to deal with it, before it could deal with me, hmmm wonder what might just happen!
Have you changed or are you the same? The question I keep coming back to as I look for the eluding why I know I’ll never get. I man would of cane back and pardon the expression grabbed the opportunity by the balls. I tried to limp back in the same boy I was with more lies and conjecture! In the end, substance is what matters, doing what we say we are going to do all of the time, not part of it. Can I ask you something else? What matters? Do I even need to ask it? Those moments when you have a choice in front of you and you know what you should do, but still ponder the decision in your head. I never jumped, I didn’t want it bad enough and now 15 years later here I sit at 36 years old. So many wasted years, the creator of my own demise. I should be with her at horse shows and be at my best friends sons football games. Instead I am surrounded by strangers who are supposed to be my friends! Can I ask you one more thing? Was it worth it? Think about that and I’ll answer that question later on today.
I didn’t intend for it to go down this way, when I went down this path I am pretty sure the last thing that I thought was going to happen was me pissing it all away. I didn’t want to be the bad guy, but I guess somebody has to right? I didn’t mean to hurt them all as badly as I did, but I get the anger I see in their eyes as they put their faith and trust in me and I let them down. Giving kids at the gym who have nothing shoes and being friends with the handicapped guys, just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. For all the good I do, it seems like everything else I do is ten times worse. By no means am I or do I want anyone to feel sorry for the fool who created his own mess, but sometimes it sucks being te bad guy. The guy that everybody knows could be so much more, but he chooses this for himself. I had time to fix it and I came back the same and now the girl who I should have married has blocked my calls. I don’t dare try to call my best friend after the way shit went down, I just doubt there is anyway to ever go back down that road. Sometimes these decisions we make with the best of intentions, leave us with more questions than answers. I realized the hardest thing in the world is trying to figure out the riddle of yourself, the second hardest thing is the why. The why that we don’t always get and the why that we have to sometimes accept even though we don’t know why. Maybe it was too hard to hold on any longer, maybe it was another guy, maybe my best friend got tired of seeing me waste it all over and over again, and maybe the Easter Bunny will have a kitten tomorrow. Great line in a Tim McGraw song, “Well you do what you do and you did what you did and there is no such thing as what might have been, it’s a waste of time, it will drive you out of your mind.” I have now lost the past six months of my life holding on to the what might have been and now the song rings true as it is driving me out of my mind. Unable or unwilling to do something about it, it really doesn’t matter at this point anymore, what mattered is gone and now I must move on from it. What might have been is a waste of time, it is the what now that matters. The what is in front of you and simply if you have changed or are you the same? I’m tired of playing the bad guy, the beating I have given myself and the things that I have lost just weigh too much on me now. The bad guy better figure out a way to turn this shit on his head, because at the moment the bad guy is a lot closer to Hell than Heaven and I am running out of options and time!
Time moves on and with it so does the life you wanted and the people who matter. Your thirty six, they trusted you before, but now they simply can’t wait any longer for you to right this sinking ship. They to are getting older, they too have hopes and dreams and what they once saw in you, they simply can no longer wait for. My mom is running out of time, her health is fading. The one and now my best friend have now moved on because I gave them no choice. I refused to change, I refused to show them they mattered enough for me to change and now I’ve lost it all. I came back the same chump with the same excuses with no answers to the questions they had still. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and who’s the fool? They expected more out of me, they had me tied to their plans and I tied myself to a pot pipe, a liqour bottle and whatever else didn’t matter. I thought it was going to be handed to me and I didn’t want to work for it. And boy did life hand it to me, I have nothing left but these bitter pills to swallow! As I said, take care of life my friends, because trying to at thirty six is burying me!
This nightmare that I have created that is, not any wiser like the song says, but sure as hell a whole lot older. Paralyzed seems to be the word, stuck in this moment in time that I swore I never would be again, wondering what the hell happened and what will happen now. My mind yet again playing tricks on me, trying to convince me of things that just might not be. In the end, I still wasnt what I was supposed to be, so what does any of it matter anymore? I am tired of pretending that any of this that I have created is okay, the smile isn’t getting harder to fake, it is invisible at this point. I have hurt so badly who matters, that even if I found a way out of this mess, I am still not sure I could fix things with the ones that matter and that is all that seems to matter in my mind non stop, night and day! I simply wonder how much longer this can go on, and if I will ever wake up from this nightmare that I have created! My heart sinks every second now as I think about what I have taken from my mother, the woman I thought was it and my best friend and his family. It is bad enough they lost their daughter at six, but I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to get it right this time, I made a promise at her grave and I, yeah I messed it all up again. Here is the best piece of advice that I can ever give you, so listen up. I am thirty-six years old and have made every wrong choice a man of my age can make. I have built up amazing woman on my lies and then watched them break and ran like the sissy I am. I didn’t have the courage to get my shit together and hold on to the one that really matters and now she holds on to someone else. I thought I was honoring my best friends six-year-old daughter who has passed away and now he and his wife hate me. I chose drugs over a life, I chose fun over doing the work I was supposed to. I have hurt everyone who has ever mattered to me and now alone and bitter I sit. With only fingers to point as to why it is not my fault, yeah don’t feel sorry for me I did all this. So my lesson to you would simply be this, take care of life, before life takes care of you! As I sit here writing this, I have lost everything that has ever mattered to me, had my heart ripped out and stomped on and I could go on and on, but guess what? Everybody has a sob story and problems, so wake me up when it’s all over!
“I took a walk to clear my head, and this is where the walking led,” as the Luke Bryan song would go. The walking has led back to where I started and it appears I have let it end where it began. I took a long walk in the dark and the pouring down rain with my dog tonight, the only one left who seems to understand me, or for that matter can stand me! Suppose to suck it up right and say it only gets this bad right before it gets better, but I just seem to keep making it worse! You ever been there? You know where I am talking about, surrounded on that walk by darkness, no matter what you do it makes it worse, it keeps piling up, people start losing faith in you, hell you start to lose faith in yourself. On this long walk in the bark I took tonight I started to learn some things about myself, some really ugly things. I realized myself and you reading this, just what ugly things we are capable of doing as human beings. The words of my best friends wife echo in my head, “you are the most selfish, worthless bastard I have ever met.” I thought I was honoring her daughter we lost at six years old, for once in my life I thought that I was doing the right thing and it all blew up in my face. I thought I was going to do some good in this world and change things, I thought I was going to make a difference and make it up to the people I had wronged and get the things back that I wanted, and I thought. As I stare in front of me at my dog’s tail and the cold wet pavement as the rain keeps pelting down I realize two things. What I want is at the end of that path and I let it get away, I gave it no choice to move on and now I must deal with that. We all make these choices and in the end whether we like it or not we have to live with the consequences. Sometimes you don’t always get a why, sometimes you have to just give up the things that you don’t want to and move on from that point. Sometimes to clear your head and get clarity, you have to take a long walk in the bark. I pissed it all away, I took it all for granted and my back is up against the wall more that it ever has been. I guess it is about time to start backing up all this shit I am talking about all the things that I am going to do. I guess it is time to get mad at what I have pissed away and what I have let life take from me and start taking back, I guess it is time to stop being that nice guy who gets stomped on. The second thing I realized when I looked down that path and saw my dog’s tail wagging, be happy with it. He couldn’t be happier walking down the sidewalk wagging his tail in the pouring down rain peeing on stuff. He is five and if I am lucky he will get five more years and he realizes is that, see he has fun everyday, he lives everyday as if it was his last, you don’t see him sad! He doesn’t feel sorry for himself, and he sure wouldn’t fall apart like I did over a girl who never gave a crap about him! Yeah I looked into those eyes and realized a lot of us quit living, got content and said it is okay to just get by, you deserve more. Take a long walk in the bark, feel the rain on your skin and figure out most importantly what you are worth! For a second I simply forgot!
Over 500 posts, gone in the blink of and eye. What I was going to use to propel myself has buried me farther than I ever thought possible. In this never-ending search for answers, I realize there are no question’s, I have all the answers. My friend Trey said it best tonight, “sorry to say it bro, but nobody wants you in the condition you are in. Truth stings and the truth as bitter as it may be always, always rings true. Who is there left to blame? This entire mess comes down to me and now I want to cry bout it. The life I could have had I have now lost and now all I do is waste these endless days wondering why and what if. The why is easy, as I chose to be lazy and thought that it was somehow just going to get handed to me, the what if, now that is the real killer in this scenario! Can I ask you something? Have you changed or are you the same? I knew what it would have taken and I know what I did, I am left with wonder and what if. I wonder who lays his head down next to hers now, I wonder how much my best friend and his wife hate me right now. I wonder how as I watch my mother fade away, how much of it is my fault and if this last fuck up was really my last chance to give her grand kids. This stupidity and pain that I have caused is bitter and never-ending, how can it be when I wont put it to bed, when I just wont do what I am supposed to do! Seems pretty simple right? Do what you are supposed to and things will work out, yet I take the path of most resistance every time, I have to turn it into a battle and then point the finger like a politician blaming everyone else. I came back as the same piece of crap loser I was like every other frigging time before and what did I expect to happen? I kept saying it couldn’t get worse and every step I take looking for these answers all I seem to do is make it worse! Can I ask you something? Have you changed or are you the same? Are you the same person you were yesterday? Worse are you the same person you were six months ago still trying to convince people you are something that you are not? I know that something is going on, I know it has been for a long time, it is called life and it has been going on around me for far to long, tonight I must decide not to search, but find answers!