To Her

Those were the words that made it all come crashing down around me! It was from a movie called “Safe Haven”, written by the mother and wife of a man to the woman who will take her place when the cancer finishes its job. It made me think, I have her, I have good friends, I have a hell of a lot save one thing. Yeah me, it always seems to come down too me and therein lies the problem. To her, to him, to my dog who I probably can’t save, to everybody I let down, I wish I could tell you just how sorry I am. How sorry I am I let it all go down like this, how sorry I am that I am going down with it. How sorry I am that I don’t have the guts to pick myself back up this time, to her. I keep hearing Adelle singing “Hello” in the background even though I know it’s not playing. One of those reflective moments in the movie where the dramatic song is playing in the background and the main character gets snapshots of his life spinning out of control. To her, to you all, take care of business, before business takes care of you! Because the business of life has a fucked up way of taking care of what we lived unfinished. I had the opportunities and now I’ve all but run out of time. It keeps getting better each time, but I won’t do what I need to, too hold onto it. So is it gets better on the front end, the fallout when it all goes to shit on the backend is magnified as well. Except this time the elevator might not stop on the bottom floor, the bottom might completley fall out of the mother fucker! To her…..

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Hello…..

  • How are you. It’s another Monday now, are you going to comtinue to let everyone down? “Hello, it’s me, I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet!” It would go on to say that we both are running out of time, the two me’s I have let myself become are about to collide. A train wreck of epic purportions Amy Schumer, but there’s no Hollywood ending for me. I guess I can say that I tried, but can I really say that? If I’d actually given a fuck then I would of given a fuck and done something about it instead of being here for the millionth fucking time! I’m doing it again and I know better and like Charlie Sheen just admitting he has HIV, you can only do stupid for so long before it catches up with you one way or another. It keeps catching up to me and it almost breaks me and then it doesn’t and I walk right down the same fucking yellow brick road! Hello stupid, no more, this shit just isn’t okay anymore and making it okay in your head is what pussies do, so what say you? Are we going to  see some heart? Or are you going let it finish you off like that kick Rousey took and never saw coming. Time to get rid of these demons YOU let hang around, so hello my friend it is and always will come down to you! Game on or game over……
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It’s A White Person Problem!

You don’t ever hear anyone say that, hell Chris Rock said it best. “It’s all right, if it’s all white.” I’d forgotten what it was like to have the world at my feet and yet here it is again for the taking. The life I want and the life I am living come down to one choice. I can keep feeling bad and saying sorry for all that I’ve done, but what’s the point? I did it and I knew what I was doing, that by far is the worst fucking part and worse the people I hurt while I was doing it! Ha, I had some clever white people problems bullshit, but the humor has avoided me tonight most likely because the joke is on me my friends. My life is unraveling again right before my eyes and I’m just letting it happen. Who I portray myself to be and who I really am have become vastly different. What people see is what I could be, the all eyes one walk in the room mother fucker I could be. Right up until they see me for the fraud I have let myself become. Is there even a battle to be won if you keep letting the same enemy beat you day in and day out? You know what he’s going to do, you know all his tricks, you gave him all his ammo! Wonder what would happen if you quit giving the enemy ammo? His clip would eventually run out and you’d win, he’d have nothing left, but he’s laughing. He’s betting your going to do what you always do, I’m fact he’s so confident that you will be has completley written you off! You better take care of it before it takes care of you, because if there is one thing in life I have learned its this……. Tune in tomorrow morning!

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