You Can’t…..

“I had a one night stand with my best friends baby sister, to this day he still won’t speak to me. I pawned my grandpa’s old guitar in college, for a case of beer and a tank of gasoline. I took a swing at my old man one Christmas, I never dreamed that it would be his last. I wish mom had rung my neck, when she caught me with those cigarettes, which reminds me that I’m down to my last pack. If I had a dime for half the things I did, that didn’t make mo sense at all I’d be living a little higher on the hog. If only I had known that later on down the road, I’d look back and not like what I see, I’d of changed a lot of things, STARTING WITH ME!” But I don’t have a dime Jake Owen and its way later down the road and I sure don’t like what I’m seeing looking back now. Looking back now I realize I have to change, I can’t continue to live like this. This path of self-destruction I have led myself down can’t continue or I will cease to continue. It isn’t a question of when anymore, that moment has arrived and I can no longer laugh it off like any of this is okay! You have to change, you can’t live your life-like this! Waiting for the gloom and doom around every corner has destroyed you and left you unwilling to take action! And now action is all that is being taken against you! Make a move and quit living like this, or a year from now you’ll still be bitching about this….

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Sometimes!

I think about what could have been, I let my mind slip away to that place I know will bury me! Sometimes I give people who have even less than I momey to eat, sometimes I hurt people real badly and I know better before I do it. Sometimes I say I want to be better in the moment, then the moment ends and I forget all about wanting to be better and knocking off the crap! Sometimes I feel so close to pulling it off and then I won’t knock off the one thing from preventing me from pulling it off! None of it makes sense anymore and maybe that is when you take your shot in the dark and it all starts to make sense! Because sometimes I think I am that one shot away from making it happen! Sometimes I don’t see what I did, I see what is in front of me and what I could do! Sometimes I see making that move that nobody expects, that move that is a little different that nobody has seen before! Sometimes I think about them seeing me make that move and then wonder what the fuck they would have to say then! Sometimes I just think about fucking doing it man and then I wouldn’t have to go back and forth with this, I would have answers to those questions! Sometimes I wish I would have said or done more, yeah sometimes unfinished business weighs heavy on my mind! Sometimes I sit and act like I am having fun surrounded by friends, but most times I realize I am not! Sometime has now caught up to me and sometime soon I am going to have yo do something about it or……

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“I Was Playing In The Beggining, The Mood All Changed!

Your pissing your life away, and maybe that is okay with you, but it’s not okay to me anymore! You see I was playing in the Beggining, watching you piss it away, I even let you at one point convince yourself that it was actually okay! I let you piss away girl after girl, sat back and watched as opportunity after opportunity landed on your doorstep and you did nothing! I let you drink and smoke years away, I didn’t think you were going to survive some of those nights on that year-long coke binge! I watched you let it break your heart, I watched you keep doing it the same way again and again and then be puzzled every single time as to why it happened again?! I sat back and watched you do unto others what you were so pissed off about when it was done to you. Watched you do it without a care, but boy when that shit went down and it was done to you, I watched you lose your mind and listened to the how could theys! I watched you choose this and do this and now I wonder if you will ever get to me! I am your future, so you better bet your ass and go all in, because I was playing in the Beggining but I’m tired of waiting on you to get to me, the mood has all changed….

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It’s A Little Different Look Now!

But don’t you think it pretty much had to be at this point stupid? There better be something in your smile and that look in your eye? There better be answers to those questions behind them this time! Because time is no longer my friend and in fact I doubt it ever was! I can’t keep driving by gold tahoes and doing double takes, I go completely out of my way now going home to avoid it and that is the point, I can no longer avoid what is standing in front of me! There is but one author to this shit show story, one hero and one villain all wrapped up in the same character, so who do I let win? Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I no longer know who I am, I thought I did, in fact I was sure of it, right up until the day I wasn’t sure of it anymore! But this much I know for sure, it’s a whole different look now, there’s a different feel and those winds of change are blowing! In them I can hear all the voices telling me what I did and that I can’t! But they don’t see what’s coming, they don’t see this whole different look now!

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I Keep Going To The River Too Pray!

That should have been in quotes, sorry Ella Henderson my apologies for that and probably butchering your name! Be so good that they can’t catch up to you, that they can’t pass you by! It possible if you want it, if you find as the song says something to wash out the pain! Tired of the ghost of you keeping me awake, midnight again and the past still on my doorstep! Siting here trying to justify the reasons that aren’t there to keep holding on! What a little sissy man, yesterday the one I think is a 10 said hi to me, today I said high to a different ten and she smiled back! But nope, I can’t act on any of it because I am worried about the past and still haven’t fixed the shit that I know I needed too! What a sissy man, make sure you write that shit on my gravestone! I apologize for the cussing I need and will clean it up at some point! But the worst thing you can do is be fake and with all this bitterness, anger and disappointment inside me right now it is just who I am! I can’t keep going to the river to pray at night and then wake up in the morning and let it all go to hell! Tomorrow it all has to change, somehow, someway I must figure out how to change everything about my sorry ass when I wake up! Shouldn’t be too hard right:-)

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“Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay!”

Just letting the time slip or waste away I believe is the title to the song! Tired of this same battle over and over again with the same mother fucker, the old me is dead and gone Justin Timberlake! The move is there, but it can’t make itself, it’s been waiting for you to quit looking up and begging God and to stop making excuses as to why it’s not your fault! Because big boy pants mother fucker, we still got some questions to answer and the biggest is admitting its all your fault! You can’t do anything about it, anything to correct it if you live in denial! Face facts, ISIS is beheading and burning people alive pretty much every week! Look up online how many registered sex offenders live within five miles of you! Look at your congress going back and forth like a high school couple! Look at your world for fuck sake and do something about it! If that God I believe in is real and is coming back, well the world seems to have gone to hell so why the hell couldn’t he come back now! My more pressing question is why do I think I have time to waste away sitting on the dock of the bay? Sounds pretty gay if you ask me! Oh my bad, buzzword, guess I’m going to hell for that one! But if my fellow holier than though Christians would put the energy they have for hating gays behind a movement to change the world I wonder what we could get done! Everyone preaches and runs their mouths saying they want change! If it ever became about helping one another and not money and judging and stereotypes! Ah who the hell am I kidding, it’s the one thing human beings have gotten right for thousands of years! Hating each other and then killing each other because of the hate! I think I’ll just go sit on the dock of the bay…..

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Little Things And Pills!

Yeah, I really have no idea about the title, I had some clever shit when I typed it in, but then I went and got high! Think I was going to say something about the pills and the money behind them and how the money wasn’t in the cure, yeah it was going to be good, but then I for high! I was going to marry her and have kids and a life with her, but I was still getting high at thirty-five! They said things like when are you going to grow up and when are you going to knock it off, but I was to busy getting high to pay attention! I had moments, opportunities that people would kill for that passed me by, because I got high! I’ve pretty much lost everything that matters to me because I got high! But it’s not addicting and there’s nothing wrong with pot and all of those people telling you that are the ones getting high not doing a damn thing with their life! And spare me the I don’t know what I’m talking about speech, because I’ve lived it! And yeah there are successful pot heads, but for every one successful one, I’ll show you five wasting away day after day! So what am I saying? Get the fuck out of your own way, if it’s holding you back, get rid of it, if you have to think twice about it, make excuses for it or justify it then get the fuck rid of it! Crutches and patches lead you down the path of least resistance and straight into a brick wall, there is no yellow brick road man! Well, I’ll check in with you later, I’m off to get high……

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