Don’t Blink

Chesney in the background, still trying to figure it out at 44 and even thought it seems better. Well looks can be deceiving, the song would go on to say don’t blink, 100 years go faster than you think. It does, it flys by, I can’t believe my daughter is 5 years old. Can’t believe I have this cute little burbs life, where it all looks great and yet mama and I hate each other. Fat bastard, I hope you die, fuck you, you piece of shit. And then going on loving the next day like nothing happened and we love you baby and off to school. 100 years go faster than you think. Some things we don’t want to move on from, we have no choice but to. Be nice to everyone, you don’t know there walk and let God if I am right judge them if judging even needs to be done. If I’m wrong, it’s a dirt nap anyway, so why waste so much of your time here hating? Red, blue, left, right, white, black and I can go on and on, they who benefit from is being divided always have some slick answer why as to why we should be. Work on you, raise your kids right. I went through a door tonight for my daughter, I was probably wrong, so was the other side probably. But you know what that doesn’t matter, I should t of done what I did and that’s the point. It’s not our fault, I was this or that or I have this or that issue and fuck that, pull them up ladies and gentleman, WE THE PEOPLE ARE THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE SHITSHOW THEY CREATED! Read that again….. Gentleman Spidercat dropping a little…..

If You Weren’t A Threat!

They’d probably leave you alone. They didn’t game plan for Steve Kerr, sorry Steve. They game planned for the guy who wore #23. If you weren’t a threat, what is against you wouldn’t keep kicking you. Wouldn’t keep telling you that you can’t. It would already k ow you couldn’t, but it knows, what you should know. Like they say in that movie Coach Carter, you can love small, but what’s the point? You dim your own light, you can let that shit shine. What’s killing you right now? That thing they YOU are letting kill you, it’s more afraid of you, believe that. It isn’t about what you did, it’s what you continue to do. It’s what you do and promise yourself in those moments when nobody is watching. Those moments are when life is made, when life happens, when you are fucking living! 2020 has taken a shit on all of us. Hit us in the chest and laughed at us while we were down. Because it’s all it’s got! All that is against you, is using the ammo you gave it, the second you realize that, you become powerful! Merry Christmas y’all, new year, new you right! Always easier said than done. But it’s not done, it sure the fuck isn’t over. You have unfinished business, business that is coming for you and it’s the end game. It’s the if you weren’t a threat, it wouldn’t be coming for you. Take the shot, don’t hide from it, don’t run from it, handle your business! Be the threat you are, remember that shit about playing small……

Now I Know What A Ghost Is. Unfinished Business, That’s What!

I don’t know who said it, it’s not mine I heard it on T.V. But what a gem it sure turned out to be. Unfinished business is all I have left. I pissed what chance at a life I had away worried about it. Now it seems, unfinished business is going to finish me. Is it the finish line closing in on me or does the sign just say finished. Eyes are blurry from the stress, lack of sleep and the things you do in between to try and put your mind at ease. Easier said than done, these battle scars don’t ever go away. They serve as a constant reminder day in and day out of what you did and what you could of done. That’s life isn’t it? Life is about what you do or don’t do and the didn’t do’s are starting to pile up at 43. The unfinished business that in a week will come knocking at your door once again still hasn’t been dealt with. It will come as it has in the past in the form of ghosts like it always does and the same damn thing will happen. All that time you had until you didn’t, people dying from a disease we can’t stop, people denying it exists and with all the bullshit out there, I honestly don’t know who to believe. In the end, I’ve found this. The show will go on with or without you. Believe in yourself, it’s the only thing for sure you can ever know to be true. People lie on you, people lie with you, watch the company you keep. Some you thought would take this ride with your forever, are only there for a chapter. Know when that chapter is completed, it sucks and it hurts. We don’t want them to go sometimes, but what sucks worse is wasting your time on something that is done. Creating unfinished business, some of us don’t have that time. Some of us won’t get 80, some of us won’t get tomorrow, so fucking live it. Figure Covid out, figure your shit out, quit bitching about the right and left and this and that and Karen and snowflakes, in the end that shit won’t matter. What matters is spending as much time as you can with your 4 year old daughter before she is 14 and more interested in her friends than you. Taking that trip, seeing gramma, some people are saying goodbye to their grandparents through windows. Handle you business, take care of your business and let the show go on with you. Living on the sidelines with unfinished business only works so long. At some point those ghosts you never put to bed will creep up at the worst possible time…..

But Sometimes Those Answers Are Found In Our Darkest Moments!

We either get found out, or we figure it out! Sometimes facing it isn’t everything we hoped it would be. Sometimes facing it makes it worse, sometimes facing it makes you face yourself. All the darkness and the time wasted. All the things you did that you thought you would have a chance to make right, I was younger then. I thought I had time, I thought it would all figure itself out until I got figured out. And now what I can’t figure out is what any of us are doing. These Divided States of America are good for no one. Black hates white and right back at ya. Defund the police, more police it’s anarchy. Trump is the Devil, Biden sniffs kids and Harris said she believed Biden’s accuser! Pence thinks that you can really shock the gay out of people, talk about darkest moments. These are the choices you came up with America. I have no faith anymore in WE the people, this whole thing is a joke. A shit show of monumental proportions, less a life and more a comedy of errors. A pandemic that wether you believe is real or not, the havoc it has left in its wake is insane. Saying goodbye to loved ones through glass windows, how awful must that be? Every dog I have had to make the worst decision of my life for at the end of theirs. I was there, I was holding them tears in my eyes until their last breath and these people are saying goodbye to mom through a window. My buddies daughter having to waive to her little sister through a window, we are taking the moments out of life and watching it happen right before our eyes. Moments that make life what it is, pulled out from under us and we continue to fight about Trump or Biden or you are wrong and you are stupid blah blah. Acting like the freshman c-team I used to help coach with your bitching like little kids. This America, is our darkest moment, we can own it and come out of it. But if we continue to let it swallow us up whole……..

The Day, The Music Died! RIP Paulie G, Gone Too Soon!

Where to start, where to end, he was only 3 years older than I! He was a good guy, he wasn’t perfect, show me perfect, it only exits in sports with a perfect game or a perfect record. The lights go out and the shine and the glow go away. It all goes away for all of us at some point, and I guess that should probably be the point! Some people touch us and never know us, he and I couldn’t of been farther apart on who we were and our beliefs. Never an ill word, always a good dude, and maybe in him dying this weekend, that is the point. it’s how you love, it’s who you touch and it’s what you leave behind. None of us are perfect and none of this get through this by ourself. You can try, but weights get heavy and life gets heavier and in the end, why worry. Why carry it, why worry about it, it works out sometimes and sometimes you have to roll with the punches, but quit taking the hits! If Paulie G taught me anything, it was to live it up. It was fuck it, you got another day so do something with it, because those days will run out. Those hours and minutes you want back, with those people you want back, you won’t get it back. You can’t live there, you have to live here, you have to seize the now, live it the fuck up!

September Is Calling

Not like a long lost friend, by like your ex who hates you the most. There it is all out in the open, for everyone to see what you did! Some of it you didn’t do, but who would believe you now? Every scar, every little thing down to every last detail. All you did, all those you hurt, standing there looking at you like the firing squad. Not asking what are you going to do about it, but telling you the twenty years of nothing has defeated you. Telling you a week out from 43 this is the end of the road. This is who you are and who you will be and you just have to accept it and keep living your life this way! No it will get better, no it’s okay or we will figure it out! Another 365 days, September is calling, except it’s different this time. No fake promises about what I’m going to do. No trying to convince myself that I can do better and this is just a storm. Like the post I wrote directly before this, one too many times I said it in the moment. But when the moment was over I failed to act on it. Failing to act on it has lead to September calling, and I still can’t answer, because I still have no answers……

It’s About What You Do After You Say!

Those words you said, those things you were going to do and the changes you were going to make. All there, all ready to happen in the moment and then the moment passes. And it’s you against you, dark places and bad things telling you that you can’t start to creep in. That moment when all you did comes flooding back and gets in the way of what you can do. Can and can’t are two of the most powerful words in the English language. We let our minds and what we could do, be defeated by what comes flooding back and what we did. Here’s an idea, you did it, can you do anything about it? Nope, you made that choice then, Michael J and the Delorean aren’t around the corner for a do over. It doesn’t work like that, so many people gone now that I wanted to make shit right with. Don’t look back on it two weeks out from 43 and go wtf like I have. Don’t be the person you could be and said you could be in the moment. Be that fucking person each and every day your feet hit the ground. We can all be better, we can all be worse and we can sure all stay the same. But what happens when the moment passes and we stay the same……

Don’t Forget What You Promised Yourself In The Moment!

When you were going to do better, be better. When you were gonna let all that bullshit go and finally figure it out for once. When you got tired of this and flat out knew you were better than this. When the Devil and the demons come knocking at your door with all that shit you have run from. All that shit you didn’t want to deal with and now you are getting dealt with. I was near death a week ago, no not Corona, from bad choices. I was as close as I’ve ever been since a cocaine habit twenty years ago. Found myself in the same spot though. Begging God in that moment, telling him how I was going to be so much better. Ready to knock off my crap if he’d just let me live. Next fucking day you ask? Same shit different day, right back to the bullshit. It was supposed to be different this time, but hell, I don’t even believe that anymore. I’ve been telling myself that lie for twenty years now, twenty years I can’t get back. Twenty years that I will never be able to forgive myself for wasting, wasted promises in the moment. My daughter is a month away from four, I’m a great dad, but I wasted time. My grandfather died of prostate cancer, my dads prostate was just checked and it’s huge, twenty years wasted! Twenty years wasted, all those things you promised yourself in the moment! It’s Bill Gates fault, blame Donald, Soros did it and my favorite, it’s Fauci’s fault! How about it’s WE the people’s fault? How about WE let it get this far when we WE let these politicians turn 1 million into 50. How about term limits 8 years for anything, how about not giving more money to states that have senators around for 30 years. How about WE the people remember WE are all people, they want us to be divided, and in the moment we let them…….

To All The Ones!

Who have been told they aren’t good enough. Who have long been wrote off, who never should of came back. Who let the story write them, instead of them writing the story. The ones who made mistakes, the ones like me who wasted twenty years! It isn’t over, only one person gets a say in when it’s over. So what say you? Because in the end, all those doubters, all those people who acted like and thought they were better than you. They should of been worried about their backyard not yours. While you made a mess of your backyard, it was your backyard to mess up. Maybe it isn’t pretty, most likely like me, you wish you would of gone about it different, but what’s different now? If you ask George Floyd, oh wait you can’t. It takes one moment in time to spark change, I don’t hate cops, anybody can commit murder, but let’s get real for a second. He forged some shit, yes he should of went to jail, but a death sentence! For all of you like me looking for a comeback who took themselves so far down they never thought it was possible! You still have air to breathe, when it’s all said and done, you and me will be the same dust in the wind. Wether you believe in God or not like I, don’t you think it’s time we changed. Going about our lives the way we do and getting away with things because we can! And now because we have lives that way so long, I’m not sure we can fix it anymore. We can’t fix are bias, we can’t fix the way things are and we just can’t, because it will happen again! Guess people like you and me can’t, so why bother! Or maybe, just maybe can’t use an excuse and that’s what you are telling yourself, maybe we WON’T. Won’t is an even more dangerous word than can’t. What you won’t do today will catch up with you tomorrow. Another virus will come, next time his name won’t be George Floyd and next time will you be able to make it okay because of what you can’t do! Or are we finally willing to do what we won’t do, make a change, say enough is enough, because the way it is, just isn’t sustainable! And remember all those people talking about you and saying you CAN’T, most of the time the shit they’re doing is worse than yours! So remember that……

This Is How You Are Going To Let It End?

Broken halos that used to shine, thanks Chris Stapleton! When I was six years old, thanks for that Ed Sheeran! This lockdown has made me realize more, the time wasted I’ll never get back, and the things I could of done! And now, what’s being done is me. Fighting at 42, to still figure it out, before it figures me out. Propped up on shit, because I made the choices to let my life turn to shit. Some people figure it out, some people get figured out. Twenty years wasted, things I want to make right to people who aren’t here any longer. Things I want to make right before certain people go. And hell, here I sit in the same hole. Duh and continued to be dug by the same mother fucker looking back at me in the mirror letting me down. Down to the point I almost thought for a second that this was it. For a second, o let this shit take me so far down, I thought I’d never come back. For a second, I let it win. I let it convince me that I couldn’t, I let it tell me that I wasn’t good enough. And I believed it, because I forgot who I was. The most dangerous thing in the world, is a mother fucker who has forgot who he was and found himself again. I was a piece of shit, I chose not to be what I could of been, a lot of you have made the same choices. Choices change, life changes and she is three and looks up to me. They are 14-18 and they call me coach and they look up to me and hell, at this point I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore! But that’s who i chose to be, not who I am, today you and I have a choice. Let what we did and who we were define us. Or let what’s left and what we could do define us, the choice is ours. Is this how you are going to let it end?