Tired Of Running From What I Did, Time To Start Chasing!

Its like when plenty of fish sends you and email saying whoever the fuck wants to meet you and you get excited and then the bitch looks like a horse! Whoops did I say that, and while I am at it why not say you aren’t supposed to judge and you are supposed to treat everybody you meet the same, anybody else biting their lip? Maybe potentially holding their tongue? I guess we tend not to notice a lot of the things that aren’t so flattering about us, but hey who’s got time to worry about that? We got business to take care of, Congress just said we can sue the President, you damn near can sue anybody for anything anymore, better hope nobody sneezes on your property and throws out their back, lawsuit! If you had the passion and desire that you do to figure out who some mystery woman in black walking along a highway is, if you put that into changing yourself and changing the world, I bet you would run out of excuses in a hurry!  So here it goes, I am tired of running from it all, here’s what I did, judge me if you want. I had it all at twenty-one and then a car wreck almost took my life, waking up in a hospital bed with a fifteen percent chance of living is no treat! I begged and I pleaded with God how I was going to change and how if he saved me I would do so much good. Funny when shit is going right and life seems to be rolling along how we forget, but whether you believe or not, when shits on the line and it doesn’t look very good, a whole lot of us look up to that sky in that moment hoping there is something out there! It started with pills, pot and alcohol when I was released from the hospital, pills turned to coke when they weren’t good enough anymore and  before I knew it, I found myself spinning out of control and addict, seeing one to many sunrises for the wrong reason! So God saves you, not paralyzed, deaf or anything other than a sore back and what did I do? Stuck my middle finger right in his face and did what I wanted! In the following fifteen years I have pissed away amazing woman, all my money and all the things that mattered, what is left, is a dog  a basketball court and a gym. Looks from pretty girls, that I know want me to talk to them, but I am a fraud built on liquid not substance and that all falls on me. My life has amounted to people taking shots at me, calling me a liar, calling me a bullshitter, not because I wanted it to go down that way, I had every intention of following through on every one of those promises until I didn’t and then I got high! Now broken promises play over and over in my mind, no sleep here, just visions of what I chose to do and what in the end I should have done! I’m tired, its time for bed, all of this running has worn me out, but I  know this. Think what you  want of me, you’re not perfect either and keep this in mind. The one who has nothing to lose, the one who threw it all away and everyone chose to shit on him,  yeah that guy. Just watch what happens when he starts chasing what he wants, I can flip this bitch overnight, and so can you!

Going Cold Turkey Is A Bitch!

Boy not sure where I am going to go with this one today, been trying to put something together in my scrambled mind all day and pretty much nothing. Some days are like that, its like going cold turkey, it’s just a bitch! Felt like I was chasing my tail all over the place all day long, what I wanted just one step in front of me. Getting A done and then realizing I don’t have time for B, and still feeling kinda bad about what I did. Kinda I guess, while her heart breaks tonight like mine did two and a half months ago over a different girl, I am finding, sometimes being a human can get kind of ugly and we do things we aren’t proud of and people get hurt! We do things sometimes to serve our needs, just like we at one point were used to serve a need and when we look back at it, its ugly, but we just don’t feel as bad as we thought we would! I guess it is called living, but quitting what we want clod turkey is a bitch, quitting what we could care less about, well we care less about it. Having to quit something that we don’t want to is the biggest bitch in the world and it will show us that we are capable of saying and doing things because we were hurt that we never thought we had the capability of doing or saying! So I guess if we are capable of doing shitty things that we never thought we were capable of doing, then we are capable of doing some pretty damn good things too that we thought we were never capable of! Do something nice for someone, quit something you know you should cold turkey, even though it is going to be a bitch, and then grab this bitch called life by the horns and live it!

It’s Just Not My Day To Give A Fuck!

And tomorrow looks cloudy with a chance of not give a fuck in the air! Wednesday looks potentially better, but only potentially! Behavior is how you show your true self, and well mine sucked, you have had moments to where your behavior wasnt the best either, and there is the rub and why I am having a hard time giving a fuck today! Everybody has moments where they could have done better or wished they had made a different choice, so today is just not my day to give a fuck about the bad ones I made, there are just to many of them! I heard something today, can’t remember where, but it almost made me give a fuck, for a second, whew that was close. It went, if you are your real self, you  in the end have no competition! But when happens when you aren’t your real self? What happens when you have buried yourself so deep in choices, that you aren’t even sure who your real self is anymore? Whoops, caught myself, I was almost giving a fuck again, can’t do that! Life is so much easier just getting high and not giving a fuck, after all it is medicine and hell legal where I live, all the more reason to do it and not give a fuck! Not giving a fuck turns day into night, night into week, week into month and then you look up and a lifetime has gone by. Not giving a fuck costs you everything, and now you have a million friends, but not some of the people who still mean the  most! Yeah choosing not to give a fuck has led me on a self-destructive path that I continue down this day! Blaming one second, over it another second and the third second, who the fuck knows, live your life, give a fuck. Dont always do what you want to do, if someone matters do what they want to do too. If they matter or it matters, give a fuck, because while some days you just don’t have it in you to give a fuck, today is not that day, you and I have work to do!

Different Day, Same Story!

Why the bomb called my life went off the way it did is no mystery toe anymore. Hell I guess if I am honest, it was never really a mystery to me at all, different day same story! I tried to do it the same way, tried to walk right back I. The door of life when I hadn’t changed a damn thing and again, another door slammed in my face! Except it wasn’t slammed in my face, no it was swung wise open and for the last twos the I have chosen to whine about it, instead of seeing it! It doesn’t have to go down this way again, it doesn’t have to be different day, same story! This was a pass, a bail out, because I wasn’t ready for it again, so it all blew up in my face, but I can choose to get ready for it now, and if I do, what is waiting on the other side for you and I is so much better, I know it is! The story can change in a second, in a day, if you choose to start writing a different one!

The Shit Went Down, And We Weren’t Ready!

Yeah cypress Hill had a song back in the day, “when the shit goes down, you better be ready.” It would appear whether you are in the U.S. like I or somewhere else on this great planet, that the shit is going down and we aren’t even close to ready! It is Obama’s fault, no wait, I think it is Putin’s fault and today we might as well make it ISIS fault and tomorrow lets blame the fucking easter bunny while we are at it, sure we can get him for making our kids overweight with all his candy! I do somewhere in my fucked up memory of all I have done, remember saying something to you about dealing with shit, because if you don’t it will come back at the worst time to deal with you! Patches, and band-aids, cease fires for a second and political gesturing fixing it for the moment, so we can get on to the next moment is all that we seem to be doing! While you are blaming and pointing fingers, planes are being shot out of the sky over political differences, nine children dead in Gaza and while I believe in God and land is holy and people don’t havent liked each other for a long time, this not what God wants, I cant believe this is what any of us want, is it? Well apparently ladies and gentlemen, the shit went down and we weren’t ready, the only question now is where do we go from here?

Can’t Stay Disciplined!

You ever think sometimes to yourself, how did I blow that? How did I not stay disciplined and  do what I said I was going to do and follow through. Diet, relationships, whatever it is, always do what you decide and never look back. Looking back only breeds anger and spite, and while it is okay to get mad about something and use that to fuel you, anger and spite will get you nowhere! It is true if you make it true you know that. Time does heal all wounds if you let it, but time can just make it worse to if you remained undisciplined and stay here. Four months ago what I wanted laid with another man and it killed me, I lay shaking in my bed, this time I see her and it for what it really is. It was a roadblock that I put up because I refused to stay disciplined, the power I gave it was all it had. It never had anything behind it, it was built up on bullshit and lies, the situation that was judging me was no better than I was and like a little bitch, I let it go down that way! Funny, when you step back and look at it, if I had just done what I said and stayed disciplined, this all would have went down a different way. I wasnt doing anything more wrong than the other person in the situation, but I let myself believe that I was, and the deadliest weapon God gave us was the ability to make things real that aren’t in are head! It is kind of like that monster under the bed when you are a little kid. You know it is there and you know it is the size of Godzilla and if you stopped for a second and thought about it, Godzilla wouldn’t fit under your bed! Stay disciplined and don’t talk or think yourself out of your destiny, it is yours no matter how many mistakes you have made. The next time you want to quit, let discouragement come out of your mouth, or let it into your mind, Remember to stay disciplined and remember you let it in, so you have to kick it the fuck out!

Running Out Of Reasons And Seasons!

I am done talking about it this time, I have gone down this road to many times and it has played out the same way. I keep saying it is going to go down one way and in the end it keeps going down the opposite way, isn’t to hard to figure out who needs to change! I am running out of reasons to keep running and most importantly at the start of fall, I will turn thirty-seven, and fall is just around the corner. I fall down it seems a lot lately, almost accepting it, but this time I can’t! Running out of reasons to run from my past, running out of reasons to sabotage anything good that happens in my life, it is tiring believing you’re a dirtbag and trying to keep up that image! Trying to pretend to be what you are not will never get you anywhere, be yourself, trying to adapt to someone elses mold I have done to many times and now I realize seasons change and reasons change, but you always have to keep moving forward, I have simply stayed in place for too long! I gambled with the future I wanted that I had in my hands a year ago and when it came back around my way two and a half months ago I wasnt ready and now those dreams are somebody elses! No more excuses, no more reasons to stay here holding on to what has let go of me, this is a different season in my life and things will change for the better if I let them.  But you can’t find your future living like it is always summer, seasons change and you must change with them, you must learn to adapt, you must find a reason to move on and hold on!

Could We All Really Be Loved The Way That God Made Us?

Could we get past beliefs, color and differences, could we hold a cease-fire in the Middle East for more than 48 hours? Could we stop thinking twice about it when we get on the plane with a middle eastern man? Could we stop assuming because he is black and sags his pants that he has a gun and he is going to shoot us? Could we really all be loved the way that God made us? Or is the Ed Sheeran song and the illegal weed getting to me? Is that all just a pipe dream? What was done to you and what we are doing to each other are of little consequence now! This all comes down to who the fuck is going to man up and figure this out? God gave us free will to make the right choices and love each other the way he made us. He didn’t do it so countries could gas their own children a.k.a. Syria! He didn’t do it so planes could be shot out of the sky because nobody has the balls to stand up to Russia. And I’m tired of these morons saying oh there’s a lot more  to  it than that! No there isn’t, it comes down to protecting interests and money, if people cared as much about people as playing politics, shit would change! But honestly with the sad state of things that I see out there lately, I  don’t know if we could all really be loved the way that God made us. Hell if you listen to the news or read the paper, it would seem with what is going on that there is no chance for us! Hope, a leap of faith and a chance that we could all could be loved  the way we are is all we got!

Back When It Was Simple!

When you were thirteen and a band-aid and neosporin fixed most anything. You werent old enough to have a broken heart, the hurt of being hurt by someone you love. Your not capable to love in that way yet and therefore you can’t be hurt in that way, we are all protected from it until a certain age! You had all the time in the world, until you didn’t and you  grew up. Those were the good times, back when it was simple. Now it is deadlines, wasted time, running out of time, everybody bombing everybody and so on. That toys r us commercial is right, who wants to grow up when that is what you have to deal with. You will have your heart-broken, probably more than once. Some of the most important people to you will let you down and disappoint you. You will do things that in the end will leave you disappointed in yourself, you will hurt the ones that mean the most at some point, it is called growing up, but who wants to do that? I guess the alternative is to sit and type this as you wonder what she is doing with him tonight, knowing it should be you. I guess it is better than wondering what you could have had if you had chosen to grow up. I guess it is, I there is the problem, I have to guess, I knew and I left myself open to take the shots and lose it all and now shit is not so simple! I’ve always said take care of life, or it will take care of you at the worst possible moment and so far that has held true. Your past, the things you did and the things you want to hide all come creeping up to the top when you feel like you are on top. Start dealing with things and start closing some doors to the past, it make shit a lot more simple!

Oh Nina!

And then it goes down exactly how you thought it would and then the shoe is on the other foot! Today you got caught by the one you were doing what was done to you too. And while she probably is crying right now, you could care less, you got life to deal with and now  you see it. We all make choices in this life, we all do what we have to do and sometimes it isn’t pretty. As I sit here listening to Ed Sheeran talk about smoking illegal weed, it would seem less like oh Nina and more like oh shit! I should care right? I didn’t want to hurt anybody, until I did! Whoops, my bad, guess I forgot how bad that pain was, fuck oh Nina am I a fraud? Do I act like I care? I sure feel like I care, I really didn’t want it to go down this way, that is why I avoided it for three years and then one night I was weak and when you choose to be weak, people get hurt. Strong people, the ones who go out and take what they want to get shit done in this life, they are the people that people want to be around! Bitches run their mouth, men take care of shit, if I had just taken care of shit I would have never been in position to do what was done to me to her, but I see it now. I see how badly it hurts the other person, I knew and all I could do is just have this stupid oh fuck I am caught look on my face and I will talk to you later! Sometimes in life we wonder why we are going through it and why we are being treated this way, and today I realized even more, we are the creators of our own destiny and our own struggle. What is standing in your way you put there and only you have the ability to move it. Not weed, not alcohol, not gym strength or iron worker strength, not lying in bed like a snake next to one who really cares about you when you care nothing about them, sex usually isn’t just sex and someone gets hurt. The only one in the end who can make it happen and get out of your way is you, so oh Nina it might be time to step aside, I can’t go on hurting people!