Jay-Z and Linkin Park Encore plays in the background. All I can think about two months away from forty is my encore, my final act! This Facebook thing reminds me on the daily of how time flies and just how much of it I let slip through my hands! The things I was going to do that I never got around to. The people who I was sure were going to be there in the end and I look around now, and well! Well and what if and no answers for their questions is all I have left! “What the hell are you waiting for”, it’s what the song keeps playing over and over again, like a brain freeze in my head I just can’t shake! “Tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface! Don’t know what you expected of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes!” I put this pressure on myself, “every step that I take is just another mistake to you, every second I waste has become more than I can bear!” And now what I can’t bare, is looking in the mirror and not recognize what the fuck I have let myself become! The power to change it all, but then I start thinking about the time that flys by and I see my life going bye, bye and yup, you guessed it bye! You wonder if it will ever happen. But all the strength to push back, all the screaming you have in your lungs, time wins, time after time. And the it’s time or the day has come or the now over never stuff that keeps going through my head, is just that, in my head! If I could ever figure how to get it the fuck out of my head, what the fuck I might be able to do! But now all I have is nights and wishes that I would havw done this and blah, blah and yup, one more blah!
What if I told you, the ones you ride bikes with at ten, you wont ride with at 20, they will only exist on Facebook! What if I told you the ones at twenty riding around with you getting high and sneaking beers wont exist at 25! What if by thirty all those people you thought would be there until the end, well in the end. What if I told you that one of them wouldn’t have time to golf anymore because he has kids and sports and life. What if I told you one of them wouldn’t kick the drugs and would barely be getting by and would be too afraid to pick up the phone and call you. What if I told you that one of them didn’t quit doing the drugs and one of them that was there at twenty-one is doing twenty to life for committing a murder high on meth last summer. What if I told you that same persons little brother overdosed and there was somebody there to do something about it, but they left and saved their own ass, couldn’t even dial 911. What if I told you that life passes you by when you keep living the same day over and over again and three months away from forty the regrets outweigh the good times ten fold. What if I told you that there is no do over, no turning off the video game because you don’t like the results! What if I told you to go to college, what if I said start saving money young, what if I said don’t blow off that opportunity when it knocks, you may think it will knock again, but it may not. You may think that you have time because you are young, but when the moment is lost, it is gone forever. What if I told you that money makes it easier at times, but it wont make you happy. What if I told you that some of the most unhappy people I know are the wealthiest I know. What if I told you that the ones you never thought would hurt you, end up in the end hurting you the worst! What if I told you that your President, oh hell, I am tired of telling you all the bad things. What if I told you that you and I are better than this, we have to be. What if I told you it only takes one voice, one of us to stand up and say enough is enough. Enough of the judging, leave it to God if the guy I really believe in is up there. What if I said enough of the hate that we are letting destroy and divide us because we chose to only see it from our side. What if I told you we have a responsibility to do something about this. What if I told you about the guy in the wheelchair who drags his ass to the gym every single day. What if I told you about the soldier with the fake leg dealing with PTSD and yeah he’s there too. What if I told you that they aren’t making excuses, so why are so many people who don’t have limitations like you and I the ones making the most excuses! I guess it starts at the top doesn’t it Mr. President? What if we took the what if out of it and did something about it?
You come and go, you come and go lol, some of you will get this, some of you need to YouTube the song since that is what kids do these days. How many times do we have to call the Chameleon a liar? Did he really just use the words hate, did he really say that it was somebody else’s fault? You were the one who had the conversations with Comey you dummy, you were the one who didn’t know what the hell you were doing. Again, just like you, I didn’t think you had a chance in hell when I voted for you. How sad, I thought Hillary’s ignorance was worse than yours and now I just pray we make it four more years as I watch military planes and vehicles start to mobilize at a rapid rate at Fort Lewis near my home. Close your eyes, turn away, except this isn’t a remote and these aren’t those poor kids on T.V. late at night that you can change the channel on. This is the world and the life that we have created, this is our doing and nobody else’s. This is the worst case in human history of what you allow will continue and now what? Corporate greed, corrupt governments, bombs and violence everywhere, trying to make it so we are afraid to walk out the door. Why not? Fear forced us into creating the department of Homeland Security and I guess my question is this? Do you feel any safer? Does it bother you that instead of taking care of business, 46 is too busy tweeting and defending himself and his administration against something every other day? Politicians are shady, it is the nature of the beast, but have we ever witnessed anything like this in history? Suppose like I, you are tired of listening to all of it and seeing the Facebook prophets who bitch about it, but wont be about it. I’m pro this, but don’t take away my Starbucks! Hey Lavar Ball, we know what the little kid in Cambodia gets paid to make your sons shoes, so are you fucking kidding me with that price tag? Are overall greed as a world and making money are bottom line has led us to a point where we are on the edge, and tetter tottering on that mother fucker, know that! I know I am, about to lose two of the most important things to me. My mom is a 65-year-old diabetic and yesterday the paramedics thank God were barely able to bring her back from a 17 blood sugar. I am pretty sure you are supposed to be damn near dead under 20, and this has been the worst one by far. My 9-year-old black lab is starting to show the signs that he is shutting it down. The one who carried me, the one that was there for me no matter what the dumb shit was that I did that day and now, I can’t stop the process of life. The one guaranteed thing, death. So lets continue down this road, lets waste our time with letting it all go down like this, because I’m sure I am right and Heaven is guaranteed. I’m sure there are 72 virgins waiting on the other side and I am sure whether you believe in God like I do or not, this I believe to be true. The bible was interpreted by man, the same man who is destroying the world today with their power-hungry money-grubbing greed! And remember this one last thing! If you do believe in God like I, remember what they did to his son because they chose fear instead of understanding. Hmm, fear instead of understanding, were those Roman times or 2017……..
And by Thing, I mean that shit on his head, tough to beat The Weekend out for worst hair in America. Congratulations dickwad, you are finally up to the task at hand, “a little bit harder than you thought!” Tough when daddy can’t give you a million dollar loan and bail you out of it this time! But hold on to your cash, seems like you might be the one needing bail money soon! Funny how my problems don’t seem so big in reality, no chemical attack, wasn’t bombed at a concert, sex trafficked or molested! I wasn’t a lot of things, but what I was, was a failure by choice! Survived Coke binges that would make Charlie Sheen and his Warlock cringe! A car wreck that most wouldn’t survive! Collapsed lungs that I made far worse with cigs and weed, women I have lied to and destroyed because I wanted to, but couldn’t get my shit together! But the thing is, somehow I’m still here, somehow payback is coming! Not that shove it in their face payback everyone is looking for these days! No, the kind of payback that happens when you do what the say you couldn’t, when you show them that they wrote you off just a little too soon! The best payback isn’t in the words you seek, it’s in the actions you take when all they can do is watch and the words have become a moot point! You can be written off at any second, or you can write a new ending, you can do a lot of things! You can be that mind 2Pac talks about that changes the world! You can be the guy or girl who says enough is enough and starts a movement that changes things like MLK! You can be the voice of reason in the middle of all the madness! But the one thing you can’t do! You can’t do these things sitting on your ass here doing it the same way…..
Not talking about the circus 46 has created, talking about the life I created that is undoing me. Captain of the ship here, looking around for someone to blame, but its slim Pickens. It all comes down to the I did this and I have to find a way out of this. Nowhere else to skirt the blame, nothing left to hide behind, all you did is out there in the open. Out there, for everyone to see, out there, nowhere to run this time! And in the end running, doesn’t buy you, but just costs you time you’ll never get back! I took a second today and looked around at it all. All the bullshit and devastation my actions have cost. I saw it this morning when my mother was having a diabetic reaction ano had a blood sugar of 38. I saw it in my 90-year-old grandmothers face with the Kelsey Balerini song “Peter Pan” playing in my head. I just saw it a half hour ago in the face of my father who doesn’t even have words anymore. Worse, I don’t have any words to defend it anymore and even less action. What’s that saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? And know all that matters is results I don’t have, he said he was going to do this or I thought he was doing this and now he’s as worthless as the homeless guy on the side of the street! Choices is the only word that resonates in my head now, moves that were made and moves that should have been made! Now what’s left you ask? Just the fucking bed that I’ve made! So as the curtain drops on this shit show, I have to be honest. No Twitter rants, no, it’s this that or Comey’s fault, this shit show begins and ends with me. You can talk about it, or BE about it they say, whoever they are, they’re right!
Maybe not escape me, but haunt me. Loser, why, look at him, I’ll be there 100% they mock you with as if your word means nothing! Run your fucking mouths now, how quickly people forget what you did for them, how quickly they fuck you in the ass! I know I’m my problem, I know who did this, but fingers point and words fly and it’s my fault you made the fucking choices you did? It’s my fault I did a shit ton of blow and I survived and the guy next to me didn’t! Suppose it’s my fault I survived that accident I had a 15% chance of surviving too! My worthless ass doesn’t deserve it for sure, take him, not the 6-year-old girl one of my closest lost a few years ago! If only life worked that way. If only we could go back and change the parts we don’t like, instead of standing in place dwelling on it! Sometimes that God has a bigger plan shit and it will get better is hard to see and even harder to believe. Curtain has all but dropped on this shit show, all that’s left is my encore performance! My last shot to prove that the mess lefty lying here on the floor that I have become isn’t where it ends. A chance to write a different ending, a chance to end it! A chance to show them that they were wrong, a chance not to shove it in their face, but a chance to make a move and gave redemption! A chance after you blew it all to come back, a chance that none of them think you have, because the words escape them too. But in all the mess you’ve become, they don’t see what you see. You swam with sharks that stabbed you in the back and tried to eat you alive, still here! You ripped yourself limb from limb chasing it and it beat you to the ground, but didn’t beat you, still here! The see that the moment has passed, you see yourself in it with a shot to make the move! See, the words may escape you, but don’t let the moment escape you…..
He was 20 years old, his name was Jimmy Kramer, he went camping over Memorial Day weekend to celebrate turning 20! Not even old enough to drink, but old enough to get run down because he was native! Gone, and if I am wrong about their being that God guy, that’s all he gets! For what? I saw the images as did you, of what happened when chemical bombs dropped on Syrian children. Saw the devastation of a coward bomber at a concert in England. Hate, fear and not wanting to understand each other, sound like end of days to you? They feared Jesus because they didn’t understand him if you believe like I do and it destroyed them! I’m not saying take the Bible literally, I’ll be the first to say I hate the judgementalness of religion, but if you believe, there is some truth to it! Now the guy in my White House turns to Twitter, Bombs and poking the stick every chance that he gets, because he just doesn’t get it. I wanted this chaos, I wanted change, I voted Trump, but fear fills me now. Fear in the words of Angela Merkel’s voice when she says you can’t trust us. Fear about Russia, fear about North Korea, fear of the assholes we put in power who are doing nothing to fix the problem with their idle threats! And yet nobody is paying attention to the real threat! Black, white, purple or pink, time is the real threat and the real enemy! Most likely 20 years or so from now, Trumps in the ground and I just wonder what his four years will leave us! One nation, under God, built out of war, the backs of black slaves and swindling the Indians! It sure is a great day to be alive and white….