I hate the word loser, but at times like these it is the only word that comes to mind. The thoughts of are you tired of letting then down yet and how did you let this happen are abundant. I saw the guy who was driving the morning of the car wreck that I almost died in at 21 the other day. He was still holding on to it and I told him let go it was an accident. You could see the relief on his face. He then went on to say, “man the look on your face and the things you were saying, I thought for sure you were dead. I didn’t remember any of it, thought I was unconscious, but I sure didn’t need to know I was that close to death! I quit living after that accident, I stayed in the same place because it was easy. And now the losers I used to look at and say no way that will never be me, has become me! The me I should of been is laughing at the shit show I’ve become, at one point I thought I could change the world, now I don’t know what in the world I’m doing anymore! I guess I have to believe out of our darkest times and are weakest moments, if we throw back at life we survive and are better for it. Because I’m getting tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I could be, looking back and laughing at what I am!
“Your like a screen flashing insufficient funds, The cops knocking when the parties just begun, you’re a big rain cloud over my boat.” And while Luke Bryan is talking about a woman, these moments in life come and go, its up to us to figure out which ones matter. What happens when we guess wrong? What happens when you know better and you keep going down the same path of destruction? Then what? You know better, you now what you should do, but what you should do has now collided with what you did and you don’t like the way it turned out. Crippling, can’t even make it out of the house to have a beer with friends because of the enormity of it all and what you done. Nobody gets it, because you keep it well hidden, but if they only knew what you really are compared to what they think you are. Sometimes Jana Kramer is right and you just have to crack the bottle and call it whiskey, sometime whiskey wont be enough as I saw the man today who had lost his mind on drugs. How we deal and the next step is all the matters. I dont think it could get much worse than this, but I know now at 39 that life will throw punches and hit you below he belt when you are at your lowest point. That point where I am at now looking up at all I have destroyed and trying to figure out of this mess made me realize one thing. Why create the fucking mess at all? Because you had to have pride and you had to do it your way and Tim McGraw has a song on the radio right now about staying humble and checking your pride. You will get a lot farther that way, pick your battles, know which ones are worth fighting and which ones you have to call whiskey and concede and walk away before they walk away with you future and your life. I’ve let too many of THOSE moments in life come and go, never having the balls to grab onto them, but boy I sure would talk about how I was going to and what the fuck I was going to do. Right up until it came time to do it, then I found every reason and excuse in the book to talk myself out of it. Because life is scary and taking risks sucks, but you know what sucks worse? Wasting the last 18 years of your life and not realizing it until it might be too late to do something about it. Billy Currington lied it does hurt like it used to, it actually hurts worse than it used to. “Trying to live and love with a heart that cant be broken, its like trying to see the light, with eyes that cant be opened. Yeah we both carried baggage, that we picked up along the way, so if you love me do it gently and I will do the same. We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after. We are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light that we let pass through us, we break fast, because we are glass.” Look inside yourself, find it now, the time you waste will haunt you. One of my exs forty five year old cousin just died and now there is a 12 year old little boy who is devasted. It was some kind of training accident of something, but that isnt the point, we are fragile, we will come to a point where are number is called, so what are you doing with those moments? There is a move to be made, a chance somewhere out there with your name written all over it, are you going to do what it takes to pull it off this time? Because finishing last this time, might just finish you off…..
This one I have a feeling is going to get a little tricky. As I stood still in the same place I have watched as the last three years have progressed without me. Things change so much in such a short time, I could change this whole mess in a short amount of time, but that is for another day. I keep hearing let go of it before it destroys you, holding on to what is gone is the worst thing in the world they say. They are probably right, you only get one shot at this and why waste it on what you could have done, everybody has a could a would a or should a in their life. I keep trying to live on those could a would a and should a’s in life and then I want to talk about what I am going to do. The talker is the worst in life, the one that doesn’t need to say anything usually has business taken care of I have found in this life! In the end the only way we move on is letting go, I have been stuck in this moment repeating the same steps for so long, because I am afraid of how bad it is going too hurt to let go of what I don’t want to. But now my bigger fear is making nothing out of my life if I dont, we all get to that moment where we realize as much as it hurts, sometimes whats done is done and you can’t fix it. You cant go back and make it right, un say or un do the things you did, sometimes no matter how badly you want to, you just have to walk away and leave it there for your own sanity. It can only continue to break you if you let it, the choice to remain broken is yours. But with guys like Trump Running for President, with people like North Korea having nuclear technology, it all could go to hell with the state of the world that we live in today. We are ruled by fear, dont go to public places where there are lots of people, because you become a target. Dont go to Chicago, dont drink the water in Flint, dont get pulled over while driving black, dont get caught wearing a badge these days. Those are some of the things that have been “TRENDNG” the most the last month……
And for the first time in your life, fear sets in. This moment you finally see and feel all that you have wasted and where you always saw a way out before. Before was a different time and place and this place is scary, this place is a life sentence with no chance of parole. I have been the director of my own demise and what a shit show it was. How I tried time after time to shit can it and over and over again I got chances and nope, one hundred miles and out in the wrong direction and now what stupid? Its time to prove to yourself and all those people watching and waiting for you too fail that you aren’t scared this time. That you are strong enough to walk away from the things that you don’t want to and you have realized it is okay and you will be alright. It doesn’t hurt like it used too and it can only hurt as long as you let it hurt. At some point you have to heal or it will never heal and at approaching thirty-nine years old you will come to this moment that you’ve wasted your whole life for. You get tired of seeing it in front of you and being able to do nothing about it. You get tired of losing the things that matter because of your inaction, you simply run out of excuses for it all and your pathetic behavior. The point where it’s not mommy and daddy’s fault or the countries fault or the fucking Easter bunnies fault, no that point where you start accepting what you did. A point, where it doesn’t matter anymore how hard life hit you, hit back and make something happen. Make that move that you know needs to be made no matter how scary it is. You may have to give up and change everything, I know I do. You may, ha not may, but will have to give up some things you don’t want too. A lot has to change I have decided, I have wasted my whole life to get to this point and I don’t like it. I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I don’t like Trump or Hillary, I don’t like black people or cops getting killed. I don’t like the state of the world, I guess I have wasted my whole life to get to this point and I have to ask for what? Don’t know where I read it, sorry, but it goes like this. “You have seen my descent, now watch my rising.” Out of the ashes, I’ve learned a lot from the things I did to break myself, its time to see what this old boy has left.