For all the whining and bitching and complaining you have had to endure, someone out there has it far worse than I, and here I am bitching about it. We all deal with the demons of our past in different ways, I always admired those people who could just pick up and go like my Uncle, but that’s just not me. I hold on to it, I drive it into the ground, I beat myself up over and over again with it, and than when I finally think that I have gotten it beaten, I use it as my crutch! I’ve beaten this to death, I left it back home in Olympia for one shot to change it all and here I am again. Except if you can’t beat them, join them doesn’t work here, I have to beat what has been beating me down in the past! How the fuck can one person have so much potential and with everything going on in the world and the bad shit happening to people piss it away? How can I be worried about something that is clearly not worried about me and worse than that, what kind of pussy holds on when he was passed over? My apologies, time to slit this bitches throat, I have been acting like a little girl for far to long and that shit don’t work in this world. What you accept and continue to let go on is exactly what you will get and how you will be treated in this life, blame nobody else but your own actions! So two choices as I hit the Nevada border headed towards Utah. I have family just a short distance away in Reno and friends in the bay area, food and shelter for sure if I wanted it, but I am just afraid taking the easy way this time wont get it done. It has got me to thirty-seven, but it hasn’t gotten me much more than that. When you are and insomniac trying to sleep in his car in rest areas and where you can, you see a lot of ugly shit about this world. I saw a homeless guy sleeping under a tree with his dog, then waking up before anyone else so he can check the garbage cans. How sad would that be to have you life come down to that? And I am sure just like I, he made bad choices, but its the point of what goes on in this world. I saw three kids who looked like junkies at eighteen going into the bathroom to almost certainly shoot up or do something bad, the eyes always have and always will give you away. You can’t hide you lying or high out of your mind eyes, I tried, a lot of you I am sure have tried and failed. Most importantly my apologies, I can no longer hide from myself!
You wipe out Al Qaeda and what is born is ISIS. There will always be hate in this world, always has been, always will be, People will always judge and hate what they don’t understand, its human nature it is what we have done well for thousands of years. Life is supposed to be about fun, about living it, not about worrying about how you are going to put food on the table, is Ebola going to get me and what about these ISIS people! It would seem to have all gone to hell for me, I just can’t get the fuck out of my own mind and beat the last thing standing in my way. It keeps going back to what I want and no I cant have, it keeps taking me back to what almost finished me, I guess taunting me if you will! Ah fuck all the gloom and doom, this is where it normally goes to hell and I lose days or weeks thinking about it and feeling bad about it and then what? Fuck I’ll probably be in Florida trying to still find myself. Not this time, I left Olympia a couple of days ago for a reason, I had a plan this time, no wing it by the seat of my pants bullshit. That shit, never works, yeah right here is where I start bitching about it, letting it get in my way and letting it all go to hell, but when it does this time it might just fucking go permanently. So I guess I better pull this mother fucker out of the flames while there is still time left to save it all. Because headed towards Utah Sucks. There is nothing out here man, just you and the road and what looks like miles of nothing. I imagine you could take a turn and just keep driving and you may never be found again! It all goes to hell and I fade away, or today is the day that I put it all in play!
One last shot, one chance to change it all and make it happen. Tomorrow morning when I wake up in Yreka it will be south or maybe east, havent decided yet, but wherever I decide to land, that is where I will put the move in play once and for all, what the hell. What do you say about one last chance? What do you say, when you are just crazy enough to think why the hell not? The only way your dream dies is if you let it, remember what the homeless man told me last night, you can only run for so long, before there is nothing left to run back too. If I don’t put it in play and I don’t make that move, I am afraid it all will fade away and I will fade away with it, thirty-six just faded into thirty-seven and if I don’t stop it now, thirty-seven will fade into thirty-eight and then what? I guess I gotta have faith, I got a real good feeling something bad about to happen, catchy little tune on the radio right now, but that is how I feel. As in bad for what is against me, I havent felt like this before, it has been a rough week with the choices I have made and the slip ups I have let myself get away with, but it doesnt end here. It doesnt go down like this, no some real bad shit is about to happen, I am about to throw all the shit back that has been thrown at me. I chose all of this and yeah I had to leave to figure out a way to make it happen, but what I am staring at right now in my back seat is all I need to make it happen, I am tired of being the buzz kill to my own life, I am the last thing in my way, I have gotten rid of everything else, it’s why I am in the middle of fucking nowhere California about ready to recline my Jetta seat. So when you have left it all behind, you gotta figure it out on your own and you have to start from the bottom and build it the right way. I have done it wrong so many times, I am not sure I know how to build it the right way, but what do you say about one last chance?
I’m going to pick up the pieces, and do what with them, lol who the fuck knows at this point. This living in the car shit sucks, its cold as shit man. And when people say its stupid as fuck and its cold as shit, how stupid is fuck? Cold as shit I can tell you is Northern Cali nights, but again at least I got that sunroof over my lead. I saw a kid lie to his mother when I was in the grocery store and because he lied, she told him he would go to bed without dessert tonight. I guess maybe there in lies part of my problem, I have always skirted the consequences and let someone else take the hit, still trying to convince myself taking off was the right thing and I am not running, fuck it feels like I don’t know anything anymore man. I’m tired of running if that is what I am doing, I am tired of trying to find myself, I know who the fuck I am, and I am about to be that mother fucker. I was a pussy, I had to hit the road and get away from it all, but when I do come back, I am not going to just look like, I am going to actually be that mother fucker. The one who changes things, the one who shows it doesn’t speak it, there is no way I am going to let this happen, time to burn it down. Time to hit the road tomorrow, Yreka was nice for a minute, but this isn’t it and I don’t know where it or what it is, but I am sure as hell going to find it. I am sorry I ever started lying, I am sorry to all of those that my lies have hurt, but at thirty-seven with what my lies have cost me, a part of me has without a doubt died. Its sad really, things I want back, I know I cant have because just too much damage has been done and that part of me has died. The hurt has gone away, but the sadness of what could have been every now and then creeps in and reminds me. Or maybe I should remind myself that I need to quit being a pussy and everything I want is still in play, if I choose to want it. Sorry I lied, and a part of me did die, but it was a part of me I should have let die a long time ago, and without it holding me down, I might just learn to fly!
Staying in Yreka one more night, going to go back to the same store, give him a few more bucks and maybe chat for a second again if I am lucky enough to find him again. In that one minute exchange I had with the homeless man last night it changed everything. The problem is me, the problem with me just like you, we don’t fucking care until it is too late. Until we have taken it past the point, until there is no chance of return, then we decide it matters and that we care when we lose it and can’t get it back. Fuck the problem is, I feel like I am fucking losing my mind over all this shit. What I did is nothing compared to what I could do that is in front of me, the problem was I didn’t care and that is why today I am living out of my car in Yreka California. I cared about getting high and chasing the wrong girl and hanging out with friends all the time. Things adults just don’t do, because they grow up and stop chasing, they value the time they get to spend with friends and they live their life, they don’t run to California at thirty-seven because they can’t beat there addictions and demons if they stay there! I guess I could look at this trip like I am running, and accept that I am the pussy I have been every other fucking time. But the problem is, I do fucking care this time, what is back in Olympia does matter and that move I was going to make, well its do or die time. You can talk about making it at fifty-seven, or you can make it at thirty-seven so you have something to look back on at fifty-seven!
I been ripping out these pages, with nothing but madness on my mind. On the road it feels like its been ages and now it’s so fucking complicated feels like nothing is going to go right. It is a catchy Jay-Z remake forever young, but none of us stay young forever and every single day I live of thirty-seven I realize it even more! I’ve been trying to find myself now in northern Cali, but ripping out these pages of my past is harder than I thought and may bring more pain then staying there and trying to face it. But how can I face it? I still am that same boy refusing to be a man who I always have been and everybody sees it. Unwilling to act, so actions are taken against him and now what is left of him is blowing in this northern California wind this morning. Cold, and alone, what I would give to be waking up with my lab at my feet with his leash in his mouth ready for his morning walk. I destroyed everything and the fire I had to rebuild it in me that I thought I had at least is dwindling today. Last night I met a homeless guy outside a mini-mart begging for change when I went to get a drink. When he saw my plates, tying to make small talk and lead to the question of you got any change? He said, “Washington, home of the World Champion Seahawks. What part are you from?” I said I used to be from Washington, but my new address is 872-XOI and it appears to be a gray Volkswagen Jetta. I walked in the store, and as I walked out and got ready to hand him a five I didn’t have to give him before I headed back to the rest area to try to sleep he said this. “Most people don’t care, that is the problem with this world, you seem like you do. We can’t rewrite our own history and that would appear to be what you are trying to do out here, find yourself, but don’t run to long.” I did run for to long and in the end when I tried to run back, there was nothing left to run back to, but the lonely cold streets I still live on to this day.” He turned and faded into the night with that, but I bet he has no clue what a change he just incited inside me. You can get to deep, you can take it to far and become to far gone, you can also rip the pages out of this bitch and rebuild it if you work. One month or less I want to be able to go back to Olympia with my head held high, I want to walk back in what I could be, I am tired of running from what I was. And man these Jetta seats are uncomfortable as fuck to sleep on!
I talked in the previous post about the message I left on my parents answering machine, about probably missing Thanksgiving. What if it is the last Thanksgiving I get with my Grandmother or my Mother? What if not going and facing it turns into something far worse in the end? Yeah I thought a lot about it today, I took the move off of the closet floor and now it lies on the floor behind my passengers seat. I though a lot about how you would think with all of the bullshit I have done and what it has cost me, you would think I would figure shit out. But no I still want to pick up a phone and call a girl and tell her fuck the bullshit, what we did to eachother doesnt matter, what matters is going through this life with who does matter by your side and in your corner. I want to fix it all, I want my mom and dad to be proud of me, I want my freinds to know I can be counted on not just sometimes, but every fucking time that I open my mouth. I thought a lot about my lab and how he is sad when I am not around and what he must be thinking now. He was abused by someone until one and then abandon, so I cant even imagine what is going through his head. Man I gotta fix this shit quick, I gotta get home, everything I want is there and im running in Yreka from a past that still catches up with me 700 miles away! I thought about a whole hell of a lot, when your all by yoorself, you got a lot of time to think and you either find yourself or bury yourslef!