You’re about to lose your second chance and you’re doing everything in your power to ensure that it happens!!! Been so worthless for so long it just feels like I’m sitting and rotting and yet here I sit with another chance that I’m slowly watching myself piss away. It’s like a bad movie, except I know how it’s going to end every single time and I continue to just sit by with my large buttered popcorn and watch. Of course the pop is diet so that makes everything okay. Until what they do to the original version to make it diet actually makes it worse for you! So you’re telling me the shit that’s supposed to be healthier actually isn’t?? I keep saying one day, now it’s become such a joke I’m saying one day never lol, except the jokes on me. Or maybe I should say the joke is what I’ve let myself become. I can go back and forth with it over and over again, but one thing I know for sure. One way or another, however I decide to let it go down, the end is near for me. Sitting here thinking about what I have lost and what I just lost, I’m just fucking lost. No answers, no direction, no clue as to where to go or what to do, just lost at thirty-eight! I want to believe that song that says some of the most interesting people I know haven’t figured it out at forty, but I am starting to believe I am the loser everyone thinks I am! Problem is, my second chance is here, I don’t have to be exposed, I have one shot to fix it all and this time it’s a choice….
Listen to that new Adele song, it’s fucking awesome. “They say that times supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t doing much healing!” Great line, it’s the knowing in the end that does us all in. The knowing we can’t change what we did no matter how hard we try or how much we want too, what’s done is done. I knew the whole time it wasn’t right, but I played my role just like I always do, and people again got hurt, hell I got hurt, problem is I don’t have time to be hurt! I’d say I’m sorry, but what would be the point? I KNOW better, but I keep doing it anyways and now I’m faced with a fucking mess I’m not sure I can clean up, but I left myself no other choice. Let it go, it’s the only way, I know you don’t want to and I promise you that it’s going to hurt! Giving up on things that we don’t want too can crush us or make us, sometimes running from it isn’t cowardly, but rather turns out to be the best thing for you. Less like the guy who all your friends said could take it to the next level and with each breath more of the loser you have let yourself become. The end isn’t near, it isn’t closing in, the end is here and now what matters is doing what you KNOW you should and coming up with an end game for this entire fucking mess….
Oh those old Proverbs that whether you believe in God or not tend to be right! Bren doing it just to do it. Thought I was good enough to half ass it and get away with, Lebron isn’t even that good! It’s time you met the real me, it’s time I let you see my dark side, it’s time to not talk about changing the world, but actually do it this time. “I want to be the one who sparks the mind that changes the world.” The best rapper to ever live in my opinion 2pac said it best folks, one tiny spark can take out an entire Forrest, what can that spark do in your life if you let it? Tired of being fucking fake, tired of living this way and so tired of hurting people, in at the end of my rope! Things I care about in starting to lose and other things that will crush me I will soon lose because time has caught up with me and time doesn’t give a fuck about my problems or the time I wasted or what I should have done! No, when you choose to live without discipline and despising wisdom, well you end up the dummy at thirty-eight that you start to hate!
A lifetime wasted, worse tomorrow it could all be over! 2pac said it best, “dying inside, but look fearless on the outside!” Don’t know who Rumi is, but I couldn’t agree more with this, “you watched my decent, now watch me rise!” Watch my comeback, what when I don’t react, when I walk with my head held high and don’t return fire for the shots you took. It alludes me right now, the words to try to put into context just what I have done. The mirror and the ones that matter the most are what I fear the most now. The what are you doing now and where do you work, you look good! Yep I do, and on the inside in falling the fuck apart and tearing everything around me that matters apart! Thought I could fly until I got my wings clipped, the free fall has lasted now 16 or so years. Tired of faking the smiles, lying about shit and not taking care of shit, shit I don’t have time for this shit, shit had to change! Looking back, I’ve had it all for a long time and done nothing with it and blah blah
Until you let go of it, it stayed with me Sam Smith and I simply stood by and let it. Stood on the sidelines like I have most of my life, and on the eve of making the change that could change it all, I have to be honest, I’m scared too death! Not making it isn’t and option this time, I’ve gotten to old. And spare me the thirty eight isn’t old speech, I’ve pissed away too many years and the window on what I want is about to slam shut. When it does, the hopes and dreams that I have go with it, but day in and day out I have proven that I can’t let go of it. So how do I expect it to let go of me?
Seeing the guy with nothing but the two bags on his shoulders sure makes you problems seem non existent eh? Wish I could help everybody, but before I can save the world, I probably have to figure out how to save myself first! So I was taken aback today when he came up to me and said,” I did you wrong a while back and I’m sorry.” Balls, guts the things I’ve seemed to have misplaced, he was right, he did do me wrong, but my list of people I did wrong, well we will just leave that one alone. Face it, before your faced with it and it finishes you! And we are back to talking about it, still not even knowing what the fuck it is. This much I know for sure, it has to change, because it has changed me in a negative way for far to long and I let it cost me so much. I want to be bitter and angry, I want to react like I used to and yell and scream, I want to do a lot of things, but what I must do you ask? I have to find a fucking way to change everything man, and fast. Who I am, who I let myself become and what I was and could be have all collided at this exact moment in time. Yeah that shit really happened, and yeah it’s your move gutless coward…… Remember, it’s only this way because YOU let it go down this way.
For the grudges, for being bitter and holding on to it, it can only let go of you, when you choose to let go of it. It doesn’t have some magical power over you, it’s not stronger than you or better than you in any way shape or form as they say. In fact, you created it, so in hindsight life’s to short to live in fear of something you created isn’t it? I’ve been running from it for so long, that I’m not even sure what it is anymore. Worse, I just turned thirty-eight and realized just how much of this life I have and continue to waste! This life your living is only sustainable for another month, maybe the end of the year if you’re lucky my friend, tic toc mother fucker. There’s no other way to say it, more than anytime in my life, right here and right now it is game on or game over mother fucker, what say you? Nothing? Like every other time in your pathetic life when their calling you out you fold and run! Fold this time and somebody is going to go all in and take the pot that was meant for you. Life is too short my friends, time to go all in. Time to make it happen, time to enjoy those walks with the dog that soon you won’t be able too. Maybe hangout with mom and have fun like you used to instead of causing her so much stress it’s literally taking years off her life. Enjoy the ride, live it and quit letting it live you, decide what really matters and what never did, because at some point in this life, the ride ends for everybody….. Continue reading