For Those Who Carried Me!

For Those Who Carried me!

I yelled at you, I told you that you were a piece of shit and you had no idea what the hell you were talking about. You stuck out your hand to help me up and every time you did, I didn’t just burn you, I damn near chopped that mother fucker off. I stomped on your feelings and I cared nothing about anything you did for me, I just cared about myself. Now in certain people I thought that mattered I see those same things and I gotta apologize, because nobody is perfect I guess in the end. I know I sure am not, but I have to be this time. Yeah everyone says that shit about nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, but I have made too many. Do or let it die was thirty fucking posts ago, I know every single time before I do it what is right and what isn’t I am thirty-seven for fuck sake, but I still choose to do what is wrong. God or life if that works for you gives you free will to do whatever you want and guess what? Not only do I have to be perfect this time, I am just stupid enough to think that I actually can be perfect. All I have to do is every time I open my mouth this time; I make it happen it is that simple! I can have it all, I can change it all and I can figure this shit out, because it is about time that I start paying mother fuckers back who carried me. All I have to do is follow through, show people I give a fuck this time and I have changed and I am tired of being that piece of shit, I want more and I want to be better and I can be better. It is a choice that you make every morning when you wake up, be better than the day before or get buried because you choose to be worse. But you choose it, know that shit. No finger-pointing, no why was it done to me wah wah bullshit, nope just you and the man in the mirror Michael Jackson. But you see this time I don’t have a choice, I don’t owe I to myself, I owe it to my mom and dad for the lumps they took. B and Z one who I thought for sure had left my corner and maybe did. A six-year-old girl who I made a promise to at her casket to be better and, I got a lot of promises that I have to keep and they are all closing in on me, they all want me at the same time to cash those checks my mouth has been talking about for too many years now. Two options…. One options, for all those who carried me I apologize for the piece of shit that I was and I promise this time those checks are wrote are going to be good, I am going to be everything that I promised and said I would be…….

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Looks Like 500 Will Happen Today?

Looks Like 500 Will Happen Today!

I knew how it was going to go down, but of course I have been wrong before and it didn’t gone down nearly as bad as I thought it was going to. There is so much strength as I said in forgiveness you didn’t deserve, it feels like you are recharged and the fear that was there is gone. Remember as a friend of mine Raphael Moffett posted a long time ago, FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real, don’t know if it is his or he saw it somewhere, but it is true. You make it real, how many times in your life were you so sure of something and then in the end come to find out the only place that it was real was in your head? I have lost and destroyed so many things and relationships in my life worried about something that was never there and as I close in on 500 I realize there is only one thing left that I can do, change everything! Every last single thing that I am and have represented, I have done a lot of good, I have made friends with the people others look past, I have given to those with less when I had nothing, and blah blah, I haven’t followed through on half of the shit that I said I was going to do and what fucking good are you if you only show up fifty percent of the time? No good to yourself and no good to anybody else, you leave yourself wide open to take shots like I have and then you waste even more time being mad about the shots being taken instead of doing something about it what the f man this is what my life has come down too, but last night a door swung open in the past that I thought was dead bolted and I got one shot to get this right. There isn’t anymore coming back from it, it is recover or resign myself to the fact that this is how it is going to be. I made this mess and as 5oo closes in on me I have to get myself out of this mess, but I will. Six months ago I hit number 5oo it took me two and a half years. Six months ago I lost my best friend because of my actions or inactions, probably a little of both and some girl who I was so sure I was going to marry dropped me on my ass for some douche bag whose mommy had a boat. A wallowed in it for a month, but in the five months since I have closed in on 500 and I have dusted myself off, I realized some people are still pulling for me and never left my corner even though they should have and I still remember I have a promise to keep to a six-year-old little girl that I made at her casket. So I just don’t have time to worry about what I did or let it crush me anymore, I got promises to keep and I just don’t have the time for sleep or anything else anymore, one shot, one opportunity to seize it all!

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Pay Attention, This One Could Change Your Life!

Pay Attention, This One Could Change Your Life!

First off let me tell you this. It will fucking get better, please hold on. Today was one of those days that I thought would never come and then it did. It wasn’t getting over a girl or doing something that I thought I couldn’t do, it was something that I never thought I was going to be able to do again. Remember a few months back I wrote a post about wishing I could just have a beer with my best friend? Six months ago, I was trying and I didn’t even realize how badly I was fucking up, I hurt his wife and I hurt his family and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him for the last six months. That same week, because I didn’t have my shit together, the one who I was going to marry chose some douche bag with a boat. I would lie in bed and shake, if I ate I would puke, I simply started falling apart! I was so sure it was all over; I was so sure how it was going to go down that I wrote myself off. Today as I sat in my car hiding on the road from myself, a text came in from a number I didn’t recognize. It said, “Bum is pretty good, congratulations to your Giants, they’re pretty good.” No way, not after what I did. But while I don’t have most numbers memorized, this one stuck out, I could feel it. I said thank you, I think I know who this is, but if you are talking to me you must be divorced lol. Let me tell you this, forgiveness when you don’t deserve it is the best thing in the world let me tell you that! When you fuck up so bad you are so certain of something and then one text, one moment can show you that maybe you aren’t the piece of shit that you thought you were. That you can still do something about it, that it isn’t too late, the only person who ever thought it was too late was the pussy hiding in the shadows. Maybe some doors I had closed and had thought written me off haven’t I gotta move on from some things, but some of those things I want so badly I may just be able to get back! Yeah I did it, so did you and so do we all at some point, we all fucking step in it. Nobody is immune, but it is what you do directly after that, that everybody is watching and waiting for. That do or die moment where you pick yourself up and you figure out a different way, or you try to walk back in doing it the the same way. Pay attention, because this one could change your life. I thought it was a dead issue, the things his wife rightfully said to me all but told me it was. I guess sometimes when you write yourself off others still are pulling for you and still haven’t. I still had people in my corner that I thought for sure had left and were never coming back and they were there the whole time, they never left. Time to be Coby, time to follow through and change some shit for once, forgiveness can recharge you it can take you to places you never thought possible and maybe I didn’t deserve it, but I am going to use it to take this bitch to the next level!

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They Pur On A Show! and Fucking A Girl In Ohio!

They Put on a Show and Fucking a Girl in Ohio!

But the show must go on like the song says. Sometimes when you look at it and see what you spent your time on, what a shit show man, I turned my back on myself when I needed myself the most! I now represent everything that I have taken for granted, but new plan somehow someway and I can’t explain it, it hasn’t finished me yet and I don’t think it ever will, the post after this one will be my best ever by far so read it if you get a chance, that also means this one will probably suck and you will have to suffer through it. Shit happens deal with it, I have to and so do you. I will get to the put on the show part, but meeting a girl in Ohio tonight at a gym and we get to talking and she takes me home. Why not, been two months and I could use a shower that isn’t in a stall at the gym and a bed. Right and as soon as you say why not you should probably not do it, but we are all human right, or at least that is what you are supposed to say. So in the middle of what I knew was going to happen, guess who at thirty one lives with their mom! Yeah, hadn’t been caught having sex since I was sixteen so oh say twenty one years ago, God did I just say that! How depressing is that? Nope, check yourself before you wreck yourself Ice Cube, this is the best day I have had in a while, nothing is going to make me forget that! Did I just go from getting caught having sex with some chick by her mom in Ohio to and Ice Cube reference wow I am going to just keep typing and see where we end up here whatcha think? I have no clue about the show part I was talking about in the title, but I see tomorrow as one of the best days ever for me and the post after this one will be my best ever I promise, so tune in and tune out the bullshit and lets figure this bitch out and make it a better place. I got a few promises left to keep that I should have paid a little more attention to and now I get one shot to fix it all, bet on the underdog this time for sure.

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The Time For Growing Up Is Now!

The Time For Growing Up Might Just Be Now!

The writing has become stale and I was about to lay down in this car tonight and let another day waste away. Convinced myself maybe I needed a break and a fresh perspective and I put on a dog and pony show not wanting to convince myself what a piece of shit I am. I give myself the go around day in and day out, rah rah look at me and I am in such good shape now and now I am a thousand miles from home and everything back home is replacing me like I didn’t exist it feels like. I guess when you take yourself out of play, what do you expect? Your number gets retired and the next one comes in and takes your place, I can’t do it anymore man. Without the weed and the crutches of back home to escape to my perspective has changed. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore, one minute I am so sure of one thing and the next minute I want it so fucking bad it kills me and the whole fucking thing it would appear is killing me! I guess the biggest riddle in this life is figuring you out. I know I am A.D.D. hell probably a little bi-polar too. One minute I can be over it and seem happy and the next minute I am so angry about it if I don’t find a gym quickly it feels like I could rip the asshole that just cut me off out of his car and beat him within an inch of his life. Yeah I might want to do something about that before it becomes a problemJ! You either have to move or move on; you can’t have it thrown in your face day in and day out and expect to move on. We lived in the same neighborhood, a mile and a half apart, you can’t avoid it, you are going to see each other and pass each other that shit is going to happen, but what happens to me now is all I wonder! I wonder a lot now if and when I ever wake up from this nightmare. Some things still are yet to be decided, I might even be able to make a fucking difference still, the time for growing up might just be now. You can’t keep making these little fucking kid decisions and expect to ever be a man. These options in front of me are dwindling as is my life! Tired of all the depressing running out of time bullshit, time to grow up, time to face it, shit happens to us all. It is going to hurt, probably hurt even more than I think it will, but facing that hurt is the only way to get to the next place that I am supposed to go, this not growing up has got me here, let’s see if I decide to grow up where that will take me!

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Time To Go Paul Walker In This Bitch!

Time to Go Paul Walker on This Bitch! Ride Or Die Remember! Does The Moment Own You Or Do You Own The Moment?
No disrespect to the family or the man who was and amazing actor and by all accounts and even better person. How cool would that be if when you went that not one person had a bad thing to say about you? Yeah I had that attitude that ride or die not to be played with attitude once. I can have it again and it might just be about time to look at shit a little differently and want this mother fucker. It might be about time to go Paul Walker on this bitch and remember it is ride or die. I am tired of running, I know where I came from and I know what I did and I know you know too. But I had a plan and it’s my bad for not sticking to it and ever doubting it. But it is you’re bad for doubting me now; I have graduated to a whole new level, a level where people aren’t going to have a choice but to fucking pay attention! I want to walk into the room like Paul Walker did and own that bitch, when people here my name I want them to talk about all the good he did. I don’t care if they start it off with man he fucked up, but look at him now. I don’t want to do it out of spite I am tired of the moment owning me, I want to own it. I want to do it to prove it to myself that I was right for believing in myself. I want to do it because I owe it to, too many other people out there who never gave up on me. I want to own this moment so bad because I realize just how precious life is and how Paul Walker lost his only a few years older than me and some rare blood disease took my former best friend’s daughter at six. Yeah that is why I have no choice but to go Paul Walker on this bitch and for once and all give it all that I have. Why would you come this far and not finish? Why would you get this close to making it happen and then let shit start sliding right now? How could you look at yourself in the mirror and continue on like this, if this is how you are going to let it go down? Pointed questions get asked of oneself when it’s too cold to sleep and the rain pelting your car and the memories of what you did not helping! But in our moments of weakness we find ourselves, it broke me in May, but by December, it might just make me! There is no cant anymore, I watched a guy in a wheelchair whose legs barely work sling himself around the gym I was at today from machine to machine when he had every reason to not do it. I watched the awkward scared out of his own shadow handicapped guy try, more than I can say for a lot of you, at least his is trying not to get owned by the moment. What is my point, the guy in the wheelchair when he had to roll over the hose the worker was using to clean the shower didn’t think anything of it and the guy ran over and apologized. The guy just laughed and said, no worries man, I am in a wheelchair not dead! I am in a huge fucking hole that I dug, but I am not dead. No disrespect again at all to my former best friend’s daughter or Paul Walker, stop apologizing for it and go out and own that bitch!

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