Proud to be and American, used to be
“My face above the water, my feet can’t touch the ground.” I feel like that song like I am slowly drifting away. Again not the post I thought I would be writing right now, again trying to be better than I was and finding it hard to accomplish what you did before. That Eminem moment again where every fucking time you are supposed to shock the world and when you don’t it is on to the next nickel and dime dbag even though you know you have it in you and you are better than that. I wish I could make shit easy, but easy seems to have faded to black a long time ago. I am working against myself; I am realizing how happy I was that I got to spend yesterday with my family when I have missed the last four and there are so many who will never get to spend another thanksgiving with who they want too. So why is this so hard to figure out? Why am I letting it all drift away? Oh that’s right, I am still stuck on that thing in my past that I said I wasn’t stuck on. It isn’t that hard, I just don’t want to forgive them because of how badly I hurt them, but I know in order to forgive myself, I have to forgive them because shady actions are shady actions. And there were shady actions on both side and the second I try to say someone else’s shadiness was worse than mine is the second I try to justify and the entire fucking reason I am still having to write about this. It feels like these last three or four posts I am just putting words down on paper to put words down on paper and I can’t do that. I can’t be fake anymore, I can’t let anything slide, what I had a couple days ago I still have it and it hasn’t gone anywhere, but maybe I have. Maybe I still am afraid of it, but that can’t be I know better, maybe I am scared it is still what I want and every second I waste pushes her closer to marrying someone else! And maybe there really is a man in the moon and I bet he hangs out with that Easter Bunny guy all the time! Maybe it is time to reboot and recharge and hit this in three or four hours after a little sleep and see what the fuck happens…….