My Apologies!

For all the whining and bitching and complaining you have had to endure, someone out there has it far worse than I, and here I am bitching about it. We all deal with the demons of our past in different ways, I always admired those people who could just pick up and go like my Uncle, but that’s just not me. I hold on to it, I drive it into the ground, I beat myself up over and over again with it, and than when I finally think that I have gotten it beaten, I use it as my crutch! I’ve beaten this to death, I left it back home in Olympia for one shot to change it all and here I am again. Except if you can’t beat them, join them doesn’t work here, I have to beat what has been beating me down in the past! How the fuck can one person have so much potential and with everything going on in the world and the bad shit happening to people piss it away? How can I be worried about something that is clearly not worried about me and worse than that, what kind of pussy holds on when he was passed over? My apologies, time to slit this bitches throat, I have been acting like a little girl for far to long and that shit don’t work in this world. What you accept and continue to let go on is exactly what you will get and how you will be treated in this life, blame nobody else but your own actions! So two choices as I hit the Nevada border headed towards Utah. I have family just a short distance away in Reno and friends in the bay area, food and shelter for sure if I wanted it, but I am just afraid taking the easy way this time wont get it done. It has got me to thirty-seven, but it hasn’t gotten me much more than that. When you  are and insomniac trying to sleep in his car in rest areas and where you can, you see a lot of ugly shit about this world. I saw a homeless guy sleeping under a tree with his dog, then waking up before anyone else so he can check the garbage cans. How sad would that be to have you life come down to that? And I am sure just like I, he made bad choices, but its the point of what goes on in this world. I saw three kids who looked like junkies at eighteen going into the bathroom to almost certainly shoot up or do something bad, the eyes always have and always will give you away. You can’t hide you lying or high out of your mind eyes, I tried, a lot of you I am sure have tried and failed. Most importantly my apologies, I can no longer hide from myself!