The Words Escape Me

Maybe not escape me, but haunt me. Loser, why, look at him, I’ll be there 100% they mock you with as if your word means nothing! Run your fucking mouths now, how quickly people forget what you did for them, how quickly they fuck you in the ass! I know I’m my problem, I know who did this, but fingers point and words fly and it’s my fault you made the fucking choices you did? It’s my fault I did a shit ton of blow and I survived and the guy next to me didn’t! Suppose it’s my fault I survived that accident I had a 15% chance of surviving too! My worthless ass doesn’t deserve it for sure, take him, not the 6-year-old girl one of my closest lost a few years ago! If only life worked that way. If only we could go back and change the parts we don’t like, instead of standing in place dwelling on it! Sometimes that God has a bigger plan shit and it will get better is hard to see and even harder to believe. Curtain has all but dropped on this shit show, all that’s left is my encore performance! My last shot  to prove that the mess lefty lying here on the floor that I have become isn’t where it ends. A chance to write a different ending, a chance to end it! A chance to show them that they were wrong, a chance not to shove it in their face, but a chance to make a move and gave redemption! A chance after you blew it all to come back, a chance that none of them think you have, because the words escape them too. But in all the mess you’ve become, they don’t see what you see. You swam with sharks that stabbed you in the back and tried to eat you alive, still here! You ripped yourself limb from limb chasing it and it beat you to the ground, but didn’t beat you, still here! The see that the moment has passed, you see yourself in it with a shot to make the move! See, the words may escape you, but don’t let the moment escape you…..


It’s Alright, Because I’m white! Continue The Hateful Fight!

He was 20 years old, his name was Jimmy Kramer, he went camping over Memorial Day weekend to celebrate turning 20! Not even old enough to drink, but old enough to get run down because he was native! Gone, and if I am wrong about their being that God guy, that’s all he gets! For what? I saw the images as did you, of what happened when chemical bombs dropped on Syrian children. Saw the devastation of a coward bomber at a concert in England. Hate, fear and not wanting to understand each other, sound like end of days to you? They feared Jesus because they didn’t understand him if you believe like I do and it destroyed them! I’m not saying take the Bible literally, I’ll be the first to say I hate the judgementalness of religion, but if you believe, there is some truth to it! Now the guy in my White House turns to Twitter, Bombs and poking the stick every chance that he gets, because he just doesn’t get it. I wanted this chaos, I wanted change, I voted Trump, but fear fills me now. Fear in the words of Angela Merkel’s voice when she says you can’t trust us. Fear about Russia, fear about North Korea, fear of the assholes we put in power who are doing nothing to fix the problem with their idle threats! And yet nobody is paying attention to the real threat! Black, white, purple or pink, time is the real threat and the real enemy! Most likely 20 years or so from now, Trumps in the ground and I just wonder what his four years will leave us! One nation, under God, built out of war, the backs of black slaves and swindling the Indians! It sure is a great day to be alive and white….


From A Flat Broke Joke……..

Six years ago, Matthew Lopez was broke and desperate.

He was 24, living with a former college roommate in Southern California. They were being evicted, though, and Lopez had nowhere to go. His weekly income was $50, which he earned from teaching a handful of private youth wrestling lessons.

So, for several days after the eviction, Lopez, who now fights in the UFC, remained in the residence as a squatter. It was one of the lowest points of his life.

“I was flat broke,” Lopez told “My roommate would take me to Taco Bell every morning and I would buy two $1 burritos. I’d eat one for lunch and one for dinner.

“When we ended up getting evicted, I stayed in the house for days with no electricity or water. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. That was low, low, low. You feel like, less than a man, you know? I didn’t have anything to my name. I had an ice chest full of pictures and some clothes.”

As crazy as this might sound, Lopez (9-1), who faces bantamweight Johnny Eduardo at UFC 212 this weekend in Rio de Janeiro, sort of chose to live in poverty. Or at least, he chose a path in which temporary poverty was a very real possibility.

Lopez, 30, wrestled at Arizona State University and Cal State Fullerton. His collegiate wrestling career ended in 2008, but he did not immediately transition to MMA.

He says he continued to live a “college” lifestyle, putting more thought into what he was doing that night than what he was doing with his life.

Around 2011, he took a summer job at a copper mine in Arizona — and that’s where his whole mindset changed.

“Basically, my job was to stand in these long, clay fields and lay hundreds of yards of pipe that a chemical would run through and drip into the ground,” Lopez said.

“One day, we were out there, and there was this guy who was like 55 years old, doing this work. And it’s not backbreaking work, but it’s not easy. And I just said, ‘I don’t want to be that guy.’ I went home that day, sat on my couch and said, ‘F— it. I’m out of here.’ I put all my eggs in one basket, moved to California and started training full time.”

Brett Okamoto


I Thought It Was Because Of Dogs!

I always noticed I give money too homeless people who have dogs. Dog lover, kind of makes sense I suppose, more sense then what I have done with the past twenty years. I thought it was because I was a good person and I cared! I thought a lot of things. I thought about how I’d been there and how I had to live in my car. I thought about how I would be back there right now, but somebody didn’t give up on me. I start thinking about Lincoln and him saying, “I’m a success today, because a good friend believed in me, and I didn’t want to let them down!” Let down is all I have done my entire life, I’ve toed the edge for so fucking long that I feel the next step could be the one. Not walking on eggshells, but walking on my destiny and what is left of this life I created! Disgusting actions have disgusting consequences whether we like it or not, we usually make are own bed! Time to become friend with that monster and those voices inside of my head Eminem, why the fuck not? Why not completely lose your shit and let people see it for what it is. See how one person can systematically destroy themselves and everything that matters to them. Watch them fade away and do nothing about it, when they had those moments to seize and instead chose to squander! Chose the drugs, chose what was easier, chose to lay in bed, chose to let others deal with the consequences of your actions, and what’s left now? Blank stares on the dogs face, yep, you guessed it, the one person you never thought would be disappointed in you finally is! I’m back or I’m busted, two choices when there really isn’t a choice at all. All your addictions and idiotic choices have led you to the point where enough was enough a long time ago. And it’s no longer laughed off or brushed aside, it’s disgusted looks of amazement at all you have done and wasted. It’s what the fuck is wrong with you and you chose to be this piece of shit, it’s not who you are! It’s who you created, because it was easier than dealing with what you were supposed to! I don’t need a miracle, the miracle is the fact that I’m still here, I just like you need to do something about it, because there’s one final move to be made! And that move, if you make it, will be all that matters in the end! I made a mess out of this life, but even at forty, I have a shot to not fix it, but to stop it before it can’t be stopped! I have a chance to be a voice to stop all the madness and violence going on, I have a chance to be bigger than it all for one instead of letting it become bigger than me! In the end as in life, the bigger man or woman always wins….


The Grew Up A Fuckin Screw Up, Sure Screwed up

As I hear Biggie Smalls say, “check it, I grew up a fucking screw up!” I think about how badly I screwed it all up! I think about the things I did to people, the mess I left behind and walked away from while others didn’t! Others doing the same blow I did, didn’t wake up at 23 like I did, worse, someone had a chance to save him and was too high and sacred to call. His brother you ask? Murdered a guy last summer high on meth, one of the dudes who was right next to me doing line after line of coke until our noses bleed uncontrollably. I’ve come to that point where the only way to beat it, is admit a long time ago that I lost the battle with myself. Funny thing is, people lose battles everyday, but the way I have to think now, the war is still winnable! The war is what it’s about, anybody in the moment can win a battle, but it takes guts to survive the war that is coming! The last chance, the only shot to prove everybody wrong, the time to tell Coldplay that maybe your name was up on that list and they were wrong. Fuck Batman, fuck Hercules, be your own hero, put your own name up on that list and watch what the fuck happens! It takes a second to decide, superhero, or super destructive for the rest of your life. This keep doing it the same way and thinking it ends different way of bullshit living has to stop. I can play the last ten years over and over again and it’s always a horror story where the bad guy wins in the end. Hmm, maybe that’s the problem, maybe I need to embrace the bad guy I’ve been, maybe I need to go too a place so dark there’s only one choice to find light. Maybe I quit talking about it and do it, it takes seconds to make a decision to change your life. It takes dedication to stay focused and stay the course and finish the job. Put your name up on that list, or duck and run and cease to exist!


What If

What if children weren’t dying right now of starvation? What if children weren’t being raped right now in the sex trade? What if the leader of the Philippines hadn’t just said Rape is okay under martial law! What if you and I got tired of it all and did something about it? What if I’m wrong about that Heaven place and this God guy and this is all we get! Lot a what if’s to start out your Memorial Day weekend, but hey, we have to start somewhere. What if I told you it’s all about money and bottom lines and nobody gives a fuck about anything but themselves anymore? What if I told you I could hardly blame them with the state of the world today? What if I told you I took to Twitter to save the world at three in the morning? What if I told you that the problems with the world exist because we refuse to see other people’s side and judge instead? What if I told you Mr. President, the real problem is blaming everybody else and taking  no responsibility for your action? What if I told you that everyone is doing it! What if I told you……


No Ride, Just Feels Like Die!

Like that moment you woke up in the hospital from that car wreck with a fifteen percent chance of living. Machines keeping your collapsed lungs breathing, tubes draining blood and giving you a nutrient mix to keep you alive. Begging God that if he lets you live that you will knock off the bullshit, be a better person. You pulled it off for show and what everyone sees is this great fucking guy, but God and you know what goes on behind closed doors! It’s that go to church and believe in God on Sunday and then do whatever the hell I want attitude the other six days of the week that has brought me here. A stalemate, life and the people you care about calling you out and wanting answers, and there you sit again with none. Making all the ones that gave up on you and laughed at you right one more time! The whole he had so much potential thing kills me now. That what he could have been and the look at him now rolls off their tongue so easily now, their expecting you to die. Their expecting you to not cash the check your mouth wrote once again, their just waiting on a funeral. Like vultures in the desert circling, waiting for you to gasp your last breath and be a carcass! Searching for answers and knowing the whole time you have them, you just don’t like them. You did this, every single time you had a chance to ride, you chose to do the things that pushed you closer to die and now you want to feel bad about it! Now you need that God guy more than ever, now if miracles exist, well that’s about the only hope your sorry ass has left! Repentance means nothing, if you keep doing the same shit someone told me today……