Still living for what was!

I keep doing this dance with my past Sam Smith, and these nights never seem to go too bed. I ask why I’m so emotional, as Sam goes on to say, “it’s not a good look, gain some self-control.” Weeks not years now away from forty, and I would have laughed at you at 20, if you told me the shit show was going to go down like this. My past I have refused to let go of has stayed with me. Now I find myself playing a dangerous game of still living for what was! As Brantley Gilbert’s “stone cold sober” plays in the background I realize one thing. Stuck in the mud, living the same nightmare year in and year out. Seeing it coming and doing nothing about it but bitch. No action taken, all victim over here, how did this happen too me. Maybe not victim, as much as I hate it, I own what I did, what other choice do I have? No high, no bottle, no only one thing fixes this, and it’s between my ears! The one thing I’ve never been able to trust my whole life, myself! How scary and sad is that to say? This is how I feel right now! “Tell them all I’m on vacation, say I went to visit friends! That you ain’t heard or seen from me in quite a while, when they ask you were I’ve been! Tell them I’m out on the west coast where it don’t ever rain, and I’m probably doing fine. Just don’t tell them I’ve gone crazy, that I’m still strung out over you!” A past I can’t or refuse to make peace with, mistakes in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear, yeah today it feels like I’ve gone crazy…..

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