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Thinking Long And Hard Lately!
About that song I was talking about in the last post by Jake Owen. It just talks about the things we do and the things we look back on and all we miss, choices man, it all fucking comes down to choices. Half the things I did that didn’t make any sense at all, fuck all the things I have done make sense to no one including the man upstairs. Fuck they have all tried to change me, wanting me to be better and giving me every opportunity to be better and I duck and run. Foolish pride and not wanting to admit I am wrong and what a piece of shit I am, man this shit sucks. “If id of known a little later on down the road, I’d look back and not like what I see, I’d of changed a lot of things starting with me. It’s costing me everything all over again and soon it will really start costing me. It is the calm before the storm, my life has become the same dam thing, same routine day in and day out and soon I won’t be able to recover from it. So many things to look back on that I am disappointed in, so many promises I walked out on, so many things I left undone and tonight as I watched a 45 year old man fall apart and talk about doors ten years in his past that he thought he had closed destroying him it scares me. He did what I did, he went all in and tried to fit in someone’s box and then got boxed in and fucked in the ass probably worse than I. I traded everything I wanted that I had in my hands for this shit hole that I am still trying to dig myself out of and the prison that is my mind and the memories of what I did won’t let me sleep. As I write this I hate myself in ways that I didn’t even know that a person could hate someone. You shouldn’t hate, but you sure the hell are allowed to hate what you did and what you have become, fifteen days and it all goes down. I figure it out and make it happen or I walk away and leave this all here and realize I have to find another way because I am tired of hating everything about myself. I hate that what is lying on the closest floor staring at me could change it all and all I do is stare back at it. Like it has Ebola or some shit and I don’t want to get anywhere near it, when it very well may be the key to my future or it may go down in flames with me in fifteen days when I have no choice but to walk away! Time to see if I can make my own Heaven or if I will choose to walk away and live what remains of this life in hell, the hell I created and the hell that keeps winning. I guess I do have one thing going for me though; I don’t need anyone as the song says to tell me about Heaven. I lay in a hospital bed almost dead and what I saw tells me that my best friend’s daughter who went at six years old and I made a promise to at her casket that she is up there. She is looking down on me and I have let too much slip, I have walked out on too many promises, no chance in hell I walk out on a promise to a six year old girl who meant the world to me without a fight!

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