I don’t have the heart for any of it tonight. The heart to take it, the heart to beat it, fuck in moments like this it feels like I don’t have the heart to go on. It is all changing in the next month, I knew it was coming and what was okay and safe won’t be anymore, and it will be gone. We all have to move on from situations we don’t want to and things change I realize as I watch the UFC fights last night and hawks game today with friends, people move away. People get girlfriends and husbands and they settle down and have kids, I see it all going down around me, I see how some people only look forward to our Hawks games because they have anything else going for them and at least I got a shot. I see a lot of things now that I didn’t maybe see a year ago or maybe I didn’t want to see, but I now know for sure that I don’t want to see them. I don’t want it to change and worse, a momentary decision is coming soon, a snap second judgment where I will have to make a decision on where I want to be and what I want out of this life and it will change the course of my life forever. You think forever is a long time and way off in the future until you hit thirty-seven and forever is a lot shorter than you thought. You think about forever and then you realize forever could be tomorrow, I promise you nobody thought my former best friend’s daughter was going to leave us at 6, we had FOREVER to spend with her. Forever is a big scary word and in this world so many things that we want to hold on to come and go, finding the strength to let go of what you are supposed to is what matters, not wasting your forever on something that doesn’t matter! Life never goes according to our plan, the ups and downs, the mountains that we make, the words that people say that sometimes ring true until you remember how those words stabbed you in the back. Walk away from those that walked away from you when you needed them most and most of all find that fire in your eyes, because forever happens sooner than you think!


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