I Don’t Know When It Stops, Or Worst Of All How To Stop It.

How does one turn off the human heart? I am not talking about dying; I am talking about turning off the emotion of it that tonight is tearing me apart. It isn’t any easier being back home, the problems don’t worry me as much as they used to, but the heart won’t lie as I have said before and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. It is beating me down rapidly and at a rate faster than I can keep up with at this point. I don’t know how to stop it, so strong and so passed it one day and the next day so caught up in it, it would seem like it is a perfect fifty-fifty split and the only person who is paying in the end is the mother fucker looking in the mirror who can’t figure the riddle that is him out. Better figure it out soon, we all remember the Joker in Batman, but the fun and games only last so long before the clock strikes midnight Cinderella and the joke is on us. How do I even take a step forward from here when one second I know what I want and a second later it is the farthest thing from my mind and the last thing that I want? Worse, I can make different choices and let it go and make sure it is not in my face, but I keep tempting fate and walking back down the same roads that I don’t have too. I can laugh it off all I want, I can say I am over it and I can say I am better for it, but everywhere I turn I see you. I can’t close my eyes, every time I do I see you and my mind immediatly goes back to that place and it consumes me. I hang out with friends, have a beer and watch the game, lift and play ball with friends at the gym and there are times when you would think that I am the happiest mother fucker on the planet, getting real good at hiding the fact that I am dying inside. So I guess I have figured out what I want no matter how badly I want to say that I don’t. I guess I am just going to have to sack up, eat it and let it all go because I can have what I want. I can go back, and I lied, I do know when it stops and I do know how to stop it. It stops the second I decide to quit being a little bitch and crying about what happened to me and be a fucking man. Yeah it sucks, but sucky shit happens to each and every one of us, but I can end this if I let all the bullshit go, because in the end, maybe I wouldn’t of done to them what was done to me, but I wasn’t any better and I wasn’t the man I was supposed to be, so I guess I better start being him right about the fuck now!


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