Looks Like 500 Will Happen Today!
I knew how it was going to go down, but of course I have been wrong before and it didn’t gone down nearly as bad as I thought it was going to. There is so much strength as I said in forgiveness you didn’t deserve, it feels like you are recharged and the fear that was there is gone. Remember as a friend of mine Raphael Moffett posted a long time ago, FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real, don’t know if it is his or he saw it somewhere, but it is true. You make it real, how many times in your life were you so sure of something and then in the end come to find out the only place that it was real was in your head? I have lost and destroyed so many things and relationships in my life worried about something that was never there and as I close in on 500 I realize there is only one thing left that I can do, change everything! Every last single thing that I am and have represented, I have done a lot of good, I have made friends with the people others look past, I have given to those with less when I had nothing, and blah blah, I haven’t followed through on half of the shit that I said I was going to do and what fucking good are you if you only show up fifty percent of the time? No good to yourself and no good to anybody else, you leave yourself wide open to take shots like I have and then you waste even more time being mad about the shots being taken instead of doing something about it what the f man this is what my life has come down too, but last night a door swung open in the past that I thought was dead bolted and I got one shot to get this right. There isn’t anymore coming back from it, it is recover or resign myself to the fact that this is how it is going to be. I made this mess and as 5oo closes in on me I have to get myself out of this mess, but I will. Six months ago I hit number 5oo it took me two and a half years. Six months ago I lost my best friend because of my actions or inactions, probably a little of both and some girl who I was so sure I was going to marry dropped me on my ass for some douche bag whose mommy had a boat. A wallowed in it for a month, but in the five months since I have closed in on 500 and I have dusted myself off, I realized some people are still pulling for me and never left my corner even though they should have and I still remember I have a promise to keep to a six-year-old little girl that I made at her casket. So I just don’t have time to worry about what I did or let it crush me anymore, I got promises to keep and I just don’t have the time for sleep or anything else anymore, one shot, one opportunity to seize it all!