The Time For Growing Up Might Just Be Now!
The writing has become stale and I was about to lay down in this car tonight and let another day waste away. Convinced myself maybe I needed a break and a fresh perspective and I put on a dog and pony show not wanting to convince myself what a piece of shit I am. I give myself the go around day in and day out, rah rah look at me and I am in such good shape now and now I am a thousand miles from home and everything back home is replacing me like I didn’t exist it feels like. I guess when you take yourself out of play, what do you expect? Your number gets retired and the next one comes in and takes your place, I can’t do it anymore man. Without the weed and the crutches of back home to escape to my perspective has changed. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore, one minute I am so sure of one thing and the next minute I want it so fucking bad it kills me and the whole fucking thing it would appear is killing me! I guess the biggest riddle in this life is figuring you out. I know I am A.D.D. hell probably a little bi-polar too. One minute I can be over it and seem happy and the next minute I am so angry about it if I don’t find a gym quickly it feels like I could rip the asshole that just cut me off out of his car and beat him within an inch of his life. Yeah I might want to do something about that before it becomes a problemJ! You either have to move or move on; you can’t have it thrown in your face day in and day out and expect to move on. We lived in the same neighborhood, a mile and a half apart, you can’t avoid it, you are going to see each other and pass each other that shit is going to happen, but what happens to me now is all I wonder! I wonder a lot now if and when I ever wake up from this nightmare. Some things still are yet to be decided, I might even be able to make a fucking difference still, the time for growing up might just be now. You can’t keep making these little fucking kid decisions and expect to ever be a man. These options in front of me are dwindling as is my life! Tired of all the depressing running out of time bullshit, time to grow up, time to face it, shit happens to us all. It is going to hurt, probably hurt even more than I think it will, but facing that hurt is the only way to get to the next place that I am supposed to go, this not growing up has got me here, let’s see if I decide to grow up where that will take me!