Can’t Tie Your Future To A Loser!

There was a point, but I havent slept well lately and I didn’t bring any pot with me for the specific purpose of I knew I would be stressed and now probably three weeks out I feel pretty good. That said I did bring a pot brownie that I had with me on the road and tonight, I am going to sleep like a baby, so if this one starts to not make sense, take two hits and it will, My car smelt like weed, I let the shit slide that a real man doesnt, I let myself go, I showed up looking like the joke I was to many times, I started portraying that loser and that is why what matters is gone, you can’t tie your future to a loser, can’t do it, you yourself become a loser! I have brought this up over and over again, it seems like it is never off my mind and I always swear never again, this dance has to end,  it is ending me. Getting older and watching shit that you want slip away, man it fucking sucks, my mind goes so many places and I find hurt, even now when I have actually been doing pretty well with it all, but there are moments. When you see those kids that now at thirty-seven you may not be able to have, you can get to old and things can stop working the way they used too, what if you can’t get somebody pregnant anymore? There are consequences for being a loser and now what if the one thing I want more than anything, I cant have, then what? Never thought about that until tonight, but tonight, I thing think the pot brownie wont be enough, because what if? The problem is I remember everything and now what worries me more is what I have become, This monster, this piece of shit who shows up half of the time and the other half the time mails it the fuck in and then wonders why shit goes down the way it does! I know what a loser I was and I know I cant do anything about that, I tied myself to him and his plotting, planning and scheming, but it doesn’t have to end that way, that is on me. I may be running out of time to have those kids, but it is still in play, so lets fucking roll and lets see what happens!

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