I Keep Finding Myself Doing What I Say I won’t!

I beat it, I wont go back to it and I wont do it again, how many times have we all said that before and then found ourselves doing it the very next day? You can’t get to the next day when you continue to have the same day Bill Murray, just saying. Its close now, I can feel it in my blood, whatever it is. I don’t know if it is good or bad, hell this could be my last post and I could get into a head on with a semi tonight! But whatever it is I better fucking find it quick, it’s all fading around me. The will and the fight I had, everything that I built up trying to get ready for the biggest battle of my life and now the battle is here and I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I am running out of energy and I try to think about the handicapped girl and the homeless man who have it so much worse, but I keep finding myself doing the things that I said I wouldn’t anymore! I don’t want any of this anymore, the shit I thought I wanted back, I could care less, I just want to find myself again and get my life back, I just want to be able to go back with my head held high for once. For once in my fucking life I want my parents to be proud of something I did, instead of wondering if I am alive, because all they got was a note and a message on and answering machine saying “I had to go and I will try to make it home for Christmas. Worse, imagine seeing your loved one in the ISIS video saying he is next! Yeah the next post is going to be real fucking ugly, so get ready as we take a look at ourselves!