All this madness and all that I have done has to come to and end, I am afraid it may come to a violent end. A wreck of twisted metal and blood and death and I am not sure I can do anything to get this train back on the tracks anymore. I’ve been raw raw, I have told you that you can do it, but I have told you I will be real and tonight I just can’t do it anymore. What if this is it for me? I don’t believe that for a second, I believe I am capable of so much more. But so do a lot of people and they go through life just getting old. What if I can’t beat it? Been trying to beat myself for going on something like sixteen years now, so what the fuck now? I can show you wounds and scars, physical and emotional that should have ended me, I can tell you stories, but can’t we all? I just cant do this anymore, I am finally more afraid of what I know will happen if I don’t pull it off, than I am afraid of anything else in the world and that is what it is about. Not getting back at people, not getting your revenge and shoving it in their face like they did you. How does that make you any better of a person? And I told you yesterday how I stuck it to someone and felt good about it and I feel disgusting about the whole situation! It is going down the same way and I just cant do it anymore. While I worry about the things that don’t matter, my dog is slowly dying just like the last one from the mold, and I cant move because I pissed away all my money. What do you think that stuff is doing to me? Fuck looking good in the gym today, fuck any of it if I am dead at forty. Between the energy drinks, the supplements, the mold, the weed, the collapsed lungs, yeah I just cant do it anymore. And I very well may never be able to do it anymore pretty soon with the way I am living! How are you living over there?