I didn’t say or do those things out of spite, it wasnt done in anger, I pushed you, I got mad at you, because I believed in you. We are all scared at times, fear comes to everyone’s door at times, so does hope! I can’t let it go on any longer, it can’t go down like this, tonight it eats at me, it kills me and I know again when my head hits the pillow, it will destroy any chance of sleep! I got it all wrong, I made a huge mistake, I only said and did those things because I was pushing you, but no it wasnt worth it. The sleepless nights, the disappointment in my mothers eyes, the disappointment in her eyes when she expected more from me. And worse I can see the disappointment in my former best friends daughters eyes in heaven right now, nobody wanted this for me, no this hell I chose all on my own! I was doing so well, rolling along and it would seem I have hit a rut! Abusing substances and my body more and more lately, I am starting to realize that coming to grips with the reality you have created fucking bites man. I thought I could pull this off, I thought I would make it happen and it was all falling in line with the work I had been doing. I just knew, this time that I was going to be okay, I even started to believe it, but the wind blows, the day changes and today it would seem I don’t have that same steam. Who has time for that shit, I got a life to live, a mess to figure out and all the weapons and opportunity in the world to do it. I only did those things and said those things to myself, because I believed in myself, I knew I was better and I knew I could do it, pussies think they can pull it off, the people that make shit happen in this life find a way to pull it off!